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'determined to become a better swimmer' - Stanford -- What matters to you and why?


saurabh93 11 / 94  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
Like many people, I began to learn swimming during childhood. But as soon as I started, I realized my limited potential. My strokes were rather clumsy, and I was asked to repeat the same strokes and eventually the same level. I began to lose confidence in my ability to swim and any hope of being as competent as my fellow swimmers.

Yet, I remained in the pool, because I was determined to become a better swimmer. I worked hard on propelling my arms and legs at the right intervals, and gaining momentum without losing rhythm. My goal was simply to be able to participate in competitions where I could demonstrate my abilities. However, I failed to qualify. I can clearly remember the instructor's solemn voice when he told me that I was not good enough. I looked at my report card and quickly understood the rationale behind his decision; that I have not mastered the expected skill set required to excel at swim meets.

Upon closer inspection, I noticed something else on the report card. As I scanned it from left to right, I noticed an increase in my performance ratings, especially in speed and stroke rhythm. Although they were mediocre, I was still relieved, because at that moment I realized that my motivation to improve had paid off. While improving my strokes, I learned to focus and be confident that I can achieve desired results through effort. More importantly, I became a better human being because I applied my motivation that I have mastered in the pool to other areas in my life, such as when choosing to take college level courses in high school.

To me, motivation matters. My swimming abilities may have been below standard, but by having intrinsic motivation, I acquired valuable life lessons, such as focusing, learning independently, and competing against myself as opposed to others. While motivation may not guarantee success, it will certainly guarantee progress, because it designs a venue in which humans grow, develop, and become better prepared to face more obstacles.

Any help will be highly appreciated and I promise to return all favors. Thanks.
adkh14 2 / 4  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
It is not very clear exactly WHAT matters to you, make it a little more clearer or mention it earlier on.
ashatan 4 / 25  
Jan 2, 2012   #3
Yes, I agree; while it is well-written, you do not exactly make the link between swimming and motivation, focus on that more, dramatize it, and don't focus on unnecessary details, just focus on it more; also, the conclusion is a bit generic- make it more personal! although honestly, its a bit late to make any huge changes- you dont seem to have a problem with grammar, so add a few clarifying sentences, and delete details that do not add to aesthetic appeal or your point, and you'll be good. Great job!
jacquelinetucci 1 / 3  
Jan 2, 2012   #4
Agreed with those above. I think it is slightly fuzzy on what it is, specifically, that matters to you. I'm getting that it's motivation, but I would suggest being slightly more specific. I would elaborate on how seeing he progress you had made in swimming motivated you to keep working at it, or something like that.
gris_pereyra 4 / 25  
Jan 2, 2012   #5
yeah, your idea of what matters does not come till the very end. my question throughout the whole thing is, is swimming what matters? so try to clarify earlier on that! hope i helped!


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