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Describe a significant experience or achievement (the Corps) - essay


answers: 1
Nov 6, 2008, 04:20pm   #1
Please review/correct my essay.
Thank you.


High school students should take JROTC in order to excel at any job as well as in life, whether or not they are going into the military.
From the two years I have been with the Corps, I have gained much experience in leading, organizing and managing that will be useful in college and work situations. From the moment I stepped into the Corps classroom I was given responsibility. My first job consisted of looking out for three other cadets as their element leader. I would call them on the night before uniform day to remind them to wear their uniforms and make sure they had all of the proper items. It was also my responsibility to make sure they were doing their homework as well as keeping up in all of their classes. This kind of coordination is seen in basic management jobs.
My leadership experience further expanded when I went to Summer Leadership School before my senior year and took responsibility for thirty cadets. As their flight commander, I made decisions on what their tasks where for the day, as well as made sure they reached all of their classes on time. It took much coordination and time management to do to keep up with all of the events of the day, especially when no watches where allowed at the camp. My biggest jobs came during my senior year when I served on the student staff as the logistics and personnel officer. Being in charge of logistics, it was my duty to know the Corp's inventory, be responsible for all uniforms and items, and make sure all cadets received the proper equipment. As personnel officer I kept track of all ranks and wrote the orders for promotions. These experiences greatly contributed to my leadership, organization and management skills. High school students are seldom given the opportunity for that kind of responsibility in their daily lives, therefore they should participate in JROTC so they are better prepared for jobs and life experiences.
JROTC motivates cadets to take part in their communities, volunteer for charities and work diligently. I have participated in numerous volunteer events because of JROTC. It is rare when a week goes by without some opportunity to support the community. The Corps instills the cadets with the value of service before self. In no other classroom have I seen as many hands go up to volunteer for community service than I have in JROTC. Cadets show themselves to be more motivated than any other group of students. Cadets approach their assignments and jobs with a positive attitude. I have never heard a cadet complain about a job; instead they come back asking for more. At my job with Kroger, half of the people I work with are cadets from JROTC. While many of the other employees complain about their job, the cadets work hard and maintain their positive attitudes. JROTC greatly improves teamwork, work ethic, commitment and attitude. JROTC helps students acquire these positive traits and excel at any job.
The Corps has taught me much about leadership and other useful traits needed to succeed in life. I know I am a better person because of the program. I believe that JROTC would have the same impact on other high school students. Students would find drastic improvement in their leadership abilities, management skills, and attitudes if them took JROTC.

Good morning.

Here are my thoughts:

"High school students should take JROTC in order to excel at any job as well as in life, whether or not they are going into the military. Is this an opinion piece? With this introduction, it sounds like it. If not, rework the beginning so that it reads more like a narrative than an opinion piece; don't open it with an opinion or statement of opinion.

From the two years I have been with the Corps, I have gained much experience in leading, organizing, and managing that will be useful in college and work situations. From the moment I stepped into the Corps classroom I was given responsibility. My first job consisted of looking out for three other cadets as their element leader. I would call them on the night before uniform day to remind them to wear their uniforms and make sure they had all of the proper items. It was also my responsibility to make sure they were doing their homework as well as keeping up in all of their classes. This kind of coordination is seen in basic management jobs.
My leadership experience further expanded when I went to Summer Leadership School before my senior year and took responsibility for thirty cadets. As their flight commander, I made decisions on what their tasks where for the day, as well as made sure they reached all of their classes on time. It took much coordination and time management to keep up with all of the events of the day, especially when no watches where allowed at the camp. My biggest jobs came during my senior year when I served on the student staff as the logistics and personnel officer. Being in charge of logistics, it was my duty to know the Corp's inventory, be responsible for all uniforms and items, and make sure all cadets received the proper equipment. As personnel officer I kept track of all ranks and wrote the orders for promotions. These experiences greatly contributed to my leadership, organization, and management skills. High school students are seldom given the opportunity for that kind of responsibility in their daily lives, therefore they should participate in JROTC so they are better prepared for jobs and life experiences. Are you trying to convince your readers that high school students should all be JROTC members? This sounds like you are writing a persuasive paper rather than a descriptive essay.

JROTC motivates cadets to take part in their communities, volunteer for charities, and work diligently. I have participated in numerous volunteer events because of JROTC. It is rare when a week goes by without some opportunity to support the community. The Corps instills the cadets with the value of service before self. In no other classroom have I seen as many hands go up to volunteer for community service than I have in JROTC. Cadets show themselves to be more motivated than any other group of students. Cadets approach their assignments and jobs with a positive attitude. I have never heard a cadet complain about a job; instead, they come back asking for more. At my job with Kroger, half of the people I work with are cadets from JROTC. While many of the other employees complain about their job, the cadets work hard and maintain their positive attitudes. JROTC greatly improves teamwork, work ethic, commitment, and attitude. JROTC helps students acquire these positive traits and excel at any job. Again, is this a persuasive piece? It really sounds like it.
The Corps has taught me much about leadership and other useful traits needed to succeed in life. I know I am a better person because of the program. I believe that JROTC would have the same impact on other high school students. Students would find drastic improvement in their leadership abilities, management skills, and attitudes if them took JROTC." This is all powerful persuasion; is this appropriate for a narrative description essay?

My main concern here is that your piece doesn't quite answer the prompt. You were asked to explain a significant experience or achievement; while it is obvious that your time with JROTC is this experience/achievement, it needs to sound less like a persuasive paper and more like an expository essay. Spend more time discussing why it has impacted you and less time trying to recruit new members. :)

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com



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