Describe a personal service experience in your high school or community

Hi...I need some help editing this essay as well. Does it answer the question well? or is it a little too dry?

Describe a personal service experience in your high school or community, what you gained from this experience and how it reflects the unique values of the college (medicine program).

The summer heat blazed as I stepped onto the train envisioning my day at Mount Sinai Hospital. I was working on a research project at Mount Sinai Hospital in the Ophthalmology Department. My research focused on glaucoma, a group of diseases that lead to damage in the eye and the optic nerve because of higher intraocular pressure (IOP). Higher intraocular pressure is caused by the improper drainage of the aqueous humor through the trabecular meshwork (drainage canals).

In an effort to understand the effects of current laser procedures being administered, our project consisted of the ALT (argon laser trabeculoplasty) and its effectiveness over repeat procedures. The ALT targets the drainage system and causing it to shrink resulting in empty, adjacent areas to appear allowing the fluid to flow faster.

Patients were selected according to the number of times the procedure was done to one eye as well as the time period during which it was done. Patients were also used only if IOP was recorded within one week pre-operation, the day of the operation, an hour post-op, the first month post-op, and for a period of at least 12 months post-op.

As we began collecting data from the patients' charts, the information we found was inputted into an Excel sheet organized according the dates of the ALTs. The collected data will have results that will enable clinicians to improve clinical care by making more informed choices to treat their patients.

At Mount Sinai I gained invaluable knowledge and as I interned I learned about the back-stage scenes in medicine and how and why countless numbers of people are saved. I learned to become further motivated toward medicine; I also learned how to become even more independent. Not only did this internship teach me about motivation, independence and hard work. I also learned about the importance of teamwork and the commitment needed in the medical field have towards one another. Any doctor or person unable to take the advice of others or their team members is subject to disappointment because they fail to use the diversity available to their advantage.

My time at Mount Sinai will allow me to bring these beliefs and characteristics to the Siena College and Albany Medical School Program. I have always dreamed of becoming a doctor because I want to help people. This internship experience has allowed me to believe that I can do it and fulfill my dream.

Good afternoon :)

Your essay is a bit technical; perhaps you can counter this by shifting the focus from the procedure being studied to you and more detail on what you gained from the experience. Spend more time talking about how you have changed from before you went through the program to the person that you are now. It is OK to give a brief description of the study, as it is essential to your paper, but don't spend four paragraphs on it. Instead, the emphasis, and thus more time, should be spent on what you waited until last to discuss; you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com