At this very end of applying process, could really use some help with my haverford college supplement!
Prompt: The Honor Code at Haverford creates an environment of deep trust, respect, and collegiality between professors and students which, in turn, fosters open dialogue and free intellectual exchange. Talk about the conditions you think are essential to allowing this type of dialogue and exchange in both academic and non-academic settings.
"Say pardon!"
"No!"
At the red plastic table, my classmate Nina and I were arguing during lunch time. I was six at the time and was attending an elementary school in Delft, Holland. While I fit in just fine in general, there were still inevitable frictions between our cultures separated by the entire Eurasia. This argument was one of them. It started with a burp. After swallowing a mouthful of coke, I burped. And Nina, a typical Dutch girl born and raised in Delft told me that I should say pardon. However, as a Chinese girl who had never been taught to say any specific word when after a burp, I refused to say the strange-sounding Dutch word that I didn't even understand.
"No!"
"You should say it when you burp at the table!
"Why should I?"
...
Our heated argument drew the attention of Mrs. Ellen, our teacher. When she learned what we were arguing about, she told me patiently that pardon meant sorry and it was polite to say it during meals when one's behavior might disturb others at the table. Knowing the reason behind it, I said pardon willingly and learned a bit more about western culture. And then she told Nina that we should always explain our reasons clearly to others who might not have the same backgrounds. With a cool head, Mrs. Ellen helped us achieve understanding through reasoning.
When I think about this anecdote in childhood today, it leads me back to the open dialogue and free intellectual exchange that the Honor Code at Haverford creates and fosters. Through this type of dialogue, Nina and I crossed a cultural barrier; through this type of exchange, a thought-provoking environment is created. I believe there're three factors essential to creating such an environment: concerns for others, communication, and the commitment of the whole community.
With concerns, both social and academic, for others, we should be aware and accept that different personalities have different needs and habits. By showing car and respect for all community members despite differences, we create a friendly atmosphere that is comfortable for everyone, and this comfort of everyday life is the foundation for the free and honest intellectual exchange on a higher level.
Also, effective communication based on reason and respect is indispensable to achieving better mutual understanding. It allows the two parties with opposing opinions to exchange ideas and thoughts intellectually, not assertively and emotionally. And during this process, horizons are broadened, new perspectives are provided, and a possible conflict is turned into a productive learning and growing experience.
Third factor, the dedication of the whole community to creating a caring, respectful and inspiring environment, is perhaps the most important one. Only in a community in which all members are dedicated to the common goal, everyone shares a sense of responsibility to create an environment where there're all kinds of opinions coexisting and abundant stimulating discussions. Only in a community with a mission to enhance honesty, trust and respect can one truly benefit from the valuable social complexity and diversity without misunderstandings and disputes.
I want to be part of this community.
(I'm still working on a better ending, but it seems weird to restate the topic(essential factors). So I'm open to suggestions!)
It is as if you took two good essays and smashed them together. If you are going to introduce an anecdote, you need to build your essay off of the anecdote. Don't write about the anecdote and then go on a tangent. You have really good ideas in this essay, however. This paragraph is where the tangent begins
When I think about this anecdote in childhood today, it leads me back to the open dialogue and free intellectual exchange that the Honor Code at Haverford creates and fosters.Looking back at this childhood memory, I am reminded on the necessity of the open yet provocative dialogue that Haverford fosters within its students Through this type of dialogue, Nina and I crossed a cultural barrier; through this type of exchange, a thought-provoking environment is created.
Then you go to:
" I believe there're three factors essential to creating such an environment: concerns for others, communication, and the commitment of the whole community."
There is no transition. Work on integrating those three factors back into your anecdote, or de-emphasize those factors.
