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"Decorum Delegates! Decorum!" - UPenn pg. 217 from 300pg. autobiography


amy 5 / 39  
Jan 6, 2009   #1
pleast just let me know if it's easy to follow and interesting. Also, please correct on any grammar/spelling mistakes. Thanks a bunch!

You have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217

"Decorum Delegates! Decorum!" the Chair announced, his voice ascending notably. The room slowly terminated to a complete silence. "The committee proceeds with the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty. Please raise your placard to be recognized as a participant for open debate," the Chair reluctantly continued. Suddenly, a handful of placards, each representing a different country, shot in the air, impatiently anticipating the declaration of their nation.

This was the 24th Session of the University of Pennsylvania Model United Nations Conference, and my first time in attendance. Hundreds of white placards suffocated the room, each desperately awaiting recognition from the Chair. Although anxiety had colonized my body, my conscience vigorously demanded that I raise my placard. Alarmed, I turned my head, and desperately sought the suggestion of my partner, whose indecisive shrug offered no explanation.

Without further hesitation, I impulsively shot my placard in the air. Despite my nerves, a large part of me craved that podium, and yearned for the recognition of the Chair. I longed to express my knowledge, which had cultivated and consumed hours of research. I glared at the Chair, whose eyes swiftly scanned each member nation. As his eyes approached my side of the room, I could feel the adrenaline gushing through my veins, and pumping my excitement. "Algeria!" he boldly announced.

The word was unmistakable. A sense of realization consumed my body, and I doubtfully turned towards my partner. Our country had been called 8th, which meant I had a few seconds before assuming the podium. I frantically began selecting my words, and furiously jotted down notes on my notebook cover. In just a matter of seconds, I would stand before hundreds of strangers, delivering what had to be impeccable information on Algeria's position concerning the nuclear non proliferation treaty.

"Algeria, assume the podium," the Chair asserted. The moment had come. I exhaled any doubt from my body, lashed a smile at my partner, and headed directly towards the podium. With one deep breath, I looked into the wide-eyed crowd, and began my speech.

"Thank you, honorable Chair..."
shine lee 1 / 36  
Jan 6, 2009   #2
your essay is quite interesting ("really" I must say that) and catchy too.
The moment hadfinally come
however, until I finished reading your essay, I still didn't recognize which quality you want to show to us? Your eagerness to present for your country? quite vague! Am I really bad that I can't understand your essay?

anyway, I must confess that your essay makes me read until the last sentence.
best of luck!
sukjeffrey 4 / 18  
Jan 6, 2009   #3
It's easy to follow and interesting for sure.

Pennsylvania Model United Nations Conference and my first time in attendance...
Alarmed, I turned my head and desperately sought the suggestion of my partner...
Despite my nerves, a large part of me craved that podium and yearned for the...
I could feel the adrenaline gushing through my veins and pumping my excitement.

Lots of unnecessary commas.

(BTW, I hated MUN, lol.)
shine lee 1 / 36  
Jan 6, 2009   #4
I'm sorry, that' s my mistake
The moment had finally came.
sukjeffrey 4 / 18  
Jan 7, 2009   #5
I'm pretty sure "had come" works.
OP amy 5 / 39  
Jan 7, 2009   #6
Thanks for the responses guys, I really really appreciate it. As for a message, I really didin't know how to express one. This is supposed to be a like a page out of a 300 pg. autobiography, so I really don't know what to incorporate. I kind of wanted to show my enthusiasm for MUN, but, I just really don't know how to add it. Any suggestions there? Again, thanks sooooo much for all your help. I really do appreciate it; I must submit today (had trouble with commonapp so I have to submit today, although the deadline was jan.1)
sukjeffrey 4 / 18  
Jan 7, 2009   #7
"non proliferation" should be "non-proliferation"
and perhaps you can add a ":" after "began my speech"
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 8, 2009   #8
The room slowly became completely silent . "The committee proceeds with the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty.

This is very interesting and easy to follow. You are a very good writer! The ending was strong and the whole essay was set up nicely.

Good luck in school!

:)


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