Hello, few days are left for Stanford supplement deadline. Please have a look at my essays, any feedback will surely help me. Thanks!
*Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
# I'd like to reflect on an experience that contributed to my intellectual development. As a kid I used to think that every adult is perfect, never saying or doing a wrong thing. But as the years went by I realized many thing about adults, they are not perfect.
For example, I used to think that many of my relatives & friends are perfect people, but not anymore, I love them & all, but my view were drastically changed. To be honest, as a kid, I was first shocked by that fact, but that was very important to me, it helped me understand & know how to deal with people, it made me mature at a young age, realizing not everything is what it seems. I was told by people that I'm more mature for my age. I remember once a guide told me no way you're 16, your action & words imply that you're 21. I've heard many rumors about people I knew, some rumors were insignificant, & some were severe. At first used to tell people I trust about the things I've heard, but I had no proof, & sometimes it backfires. So I've learned just to keep all the things I hear to myself, unless it's about a person whom I really care about, then I'll just go & talk to him/her personally. One thing I like about my personality is that I'm not easily influenced by people, I have my own personality. I still remember a quote from my aunt as she was lecturing her kid years ago about being independent, which was: "Why do you always have to copy other kids? Take Khalid for example, I'm sure that if Khalid was in a room with a thousand other kids his age & he didn't enjoy their company, he would simply leave, he doesn't force himself to fit in, that's what I really like about him.".
These are just some of the experiences that influenced my intellectual development, & help make me the person I am today.
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*Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
#Dear Future roommate,
I am Khalid Mansoor Al Awadhi. I was born & raised in Dubai, UAE. To be honest, my brain came to a complete halt as soon as I started writing this essay. I was never good at describing myself, I show it in my actions. I'm the type of person that "does it" rather than just talk about doing it. But hey! Don't let my words imply that I'm a serious person, I am actually a very humorous guy, & I love to joke around. I'll start describing a few things about me. I love to raise animals, but sadly, I was never able to raise a dog or a cat, since my parents didn't allow me to, I got birds mostly. I love raising birds. I got 3 indian ring neck parrots when they were just hatched, & I raised them. Now they are fully feathered & look beautiful. They bite anyone who dares to touch them except me. They also love to fly & sit on my shoulder, I feel like a pirate. Can a dog sit on your shoulder? I thought so. Well I'm no jock, I play sports just for the fun of it. Ever since I was a kid I never really liked to play sports. My favorite sport is jogging & doing cardio. Maybe we can do it together, friend. I love to watch shows like Family guy, The big bang theory & Futurama, maybe you like them too? If you face problems with your computer, iPad or any device I'm your man! People always come to me when they need assistance or a problem fixed & I'll be glad to help you too! I am extrovert. Well, not always, it depends on the people I'm with. I don't have any specific rules since I didn't meet you yet, but I'm a very friendly & open minded person. I've befriended different people from all over the world, I fit in with almost any person, I'm sure we'll enjoy our years in Stanford together & I'm looking forward to meet you!
Khalid,
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*What matters to you, and why?
#What matters to me is making a change in my community. Why? Because I have this driving inspiration to do so. But what change am I hoping to make? I want technology to be readily used by everyone.
Ever since I was a kid I've been in love with technology, I've learned everything about computers on my own. My parents didn't teach me, nor did I join a club. I didn't read book, nor did our school teach me what I know. I just loved learning new things by experimenting with the OS, trying this & that & learning as I go. On different occasions, my knowledge about technology exceeds people who studied it in some aspects. I have fixed a wide variety of computer problems & I just love challenging myself whenever a problem pops up, or when someone send me his iPad, iPhone, Mac or Windows laptop to fix. I sometimes find myself ignoring important stuff like studying for the exam I have tomorrow to fix the problem. I also love teaching people about using technology, & the best devices to teach people to use are Apple devices, since they're simple & have a clear UI. I have taught my father, who's a judge to start using a laptop instead of writing & stacking papers, & that eased his work immensely. But hey, that's quite simple right? Getting a man to use a laptop. Well, I also taught my 78 year old grandfather to use an iPad, & he's loving it! I never thought he'd learn how to use it, but he did. I taught people from maids to business men to school teachers to use technology & embrace it. An example of that is that I started the iPads in classroom idea at our school. I made a presentation & presented to our school principal & vice, they loved the idea. We now use iPads at our school, & students are just loving the way it has made everything a lot easier. What else have I done to promote the use of new technologies? Well, I gave a presentation at the Dubai Health Authority in front of doctors, medical staff, admin staff & others. I also presented my iPad at work idea to Medcare Hospital. I did that without someone telling me to do it, I call it passion.
That's why I have high hopes & aspirations that I'll be able to take Dubai to the next level of technological advancements. Why did I choose Stanford? I choose Stanford because I researched many other universities, but none felt a better fit for me than Stanford. Just knowing that my role model - Steve Jobs - gave a speech there is enough for me. I want to make technology a lot more easier, I want to make it accessible to everyone. I have a strong feeling that the knowledge & atmosphere in Stanford will help me achieve my goals in life.
uh...first of all. dont use "&" change it to "and" wow. i can actually hear your voice. but it means kindve slang ish. might just be me.
Thanks, I will change it! But I didn't understand what you mean exaclty by the other part xP
ok the voice/tone for the roommate essay is perfect as it should be very casual and personal. But I would strongly recommend changing your voice to a more professional and sophisticated one for the other two essays. All three essays need revision on grammar and sentence structure. They got confusing at times.
The first essay was all over the place. You need to find a focus and write about that. Your essay was very amateur and "child-like", almost like you are whining? Idk how to describe but def. change the essay so that it's about your INTELLECTUAL development and not an emotional one. Your idea is very good but it just needs a little more development in terms of sentence flow.
Hopefully this helps but I really like the ideas for all of them. GOOD LUCK! :)
Thanks a lot for your feedback! I'll definitely try my best. I don't write essays much, I guess that's why the sentence structure & grammar aren't good.. So I should change the idea in my first essay & try to improve the other two right? Thanks again!
You have two ideas in your first essay. One of them is about adults not being perfect and the other is about your personality that doesn't get influenced easily. I would pick one of these and develop that using ONE important event/experience regarding that idea.
plz help with mine? thanks
Thanks! I'll work on it.
On the first essay :
I think you need to change the tone and make the style more "written" ; because you write things the same way you would have said them .. For example :
- "I love them & all " is something we would say; not write : the "and all" doesn't fit in an essay.
Thank you, I'll work on a revised version & post it soon.
the start of first essay need modifications. try to be more catchy , something AO should keep after he read your application. Also, does your essays fit into the space provided (2000 characters) . one point from me - don't start by quoting the question in the beginning of the essay.
best of luck , a fellow stanford applicant.
Sure, thanks a lot for your feedback! I'm working on a better version.
with the first essay, you need a more clear flow of thought. what i usually do is plan it out in my head. i decide what the overall message of the essay is and plan out how each part of the essay connects to the next. i haven't read the other 2 yet cause i'm stuck with a few essays myself :P
hope this helps though.
Thanks :D Goodluck in your essays!
Here's a revised version of my essays, what do you guys think? If you spot any grammatical errors please point them out. Any tips or suggestions will surly help. Thanks !
*Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
#At a young age, I came upon a realization. Adults are not perfect people. Odd as it may sound now, when I was at that age it was huge news to me. Realizing people are not "what they seem" has it's effects. I'm not sure exactly why I remember this experience. Maybe because I was young and it's influence was great on me.
That Influence played a vital role in my young life, It made me more mature than the other kids. My views were drastically changed about people, but it made me understand and know how to deal with them more "maturely". An example of that is rumors. I used to hear lot of rumors about people I knew. Some were insignificant, and some were severe. At first I used to trust people easily and "spill out" the rumor, and sometimes it backfires. But after realizing "not everything is what it seems" I became very cautious about what to say, who am I telling it to, what's the magnitude of the thing I'm going to say. That influence developed my intellect to become a more "independent person". Maybe because I learned to judge my actions at a young age, and be weary of what I can or can't say or do. I love this independent personality of mine, I don't get easily influenced by other people or the idealism of different societies. Most notably, many kids these days follow the latest trends of celebrities, and many of these celebrities -to be honest- promote very ridiculous things and ideas. I'm glad I have my own personality.
I still remember a quote from my aunt as she was lecturing her kid years ago about being independent, which was: "Why do you always have to copy other kids? Take Khalid for example, I'm sure that if Khalid was in a room with a thousand other kids his age & he didn't enjoy their company, he would simply leave, he doesn't force himself to fit in, that's what I really like about him.". I guess a simple idea like "things are not what they seem" can influence the intellectual development of a person immensely as time goes by. I am an example of that.
- - - - -
*Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
#Dear Future roommate,
I am Khalid Mansoor Al Awadhi, from Dubai, U.A.E. To be honest, my brain came to a complete halt as soon as I started writing this essay, I was never good at describing myself. I show it in my actions. I'm the type of person that "does it" rather than just talk about doing it. But hey! Don't let my words imply that I'm a serious person, I am actually a very humorous guy, and I love to joke around. Well, I'll tell you a bit about myself, I love to raise animals, mostly birds, because sadly, my parents don't allow me to get a dog or a cat. I love raising birds, they're easy to take care of & make great companions. I bought 3 indian ring neck parrots when they were just hatched, & I raised them. Now they are fully feathered & look beautiful. They bite anyone who dares to touch them except me. They also love to fly & sit on my shoulder, I feel like a pirate. Can a dog sit on your shoulder? I thought so. Well I'm no jock, I play sports just for the fun of it. Ever since I was a kid I never really liked to play sports. My favorite sport is jogging & doing cardio. Maybe we can do it together, friend. I enjoy shows like Family guy, The Big Bang theory & Futurama, maybe you like them too? If you face problems with your computer, iPad or any device, I'm your man! People always come to me when they need assistance or a problem fixed & I'll be glad to help you too! I am extrovert. Well, not always, it depends on the people I'm with. I don't have any specific rules since I didn't meet you yet, but I'm a very friendly & open minded person. I've befriended different people from all over the world. I fit in with almost any person, I'm sure we'll enjoy our years in Stanford together & I'm looking forward to meet you!
Khalid,
- - - - -
*What matters to you, and why?
#Ever since I was a kid I've been passionate about technology. I've learned everything about computers on my own. I just love learning new things by experimenting with the OS, trying this & that, & learning as I go. On different occasions, my knowledge about technology exceeds people who have studied it in some aspects.
I have fixed a wide variety of computer problems & I just love challenging myself whenever a problem pops up, or when someone send me his device to fix. I sometimes find myself ignoring important stuff, like studying for the exam I have tomorrow to fix the problem. I enjoy teaching people about technology. I have taught my father, who's a judge to start using a laptop instead of writing and stacking papers, & that eased up his work immensely. But that's quite simple right? Getting a man to use a laptop. Well, I also taught my 78 year old grandfather to use an iPad, and he's loving it! I have taught people from maids, to business men, to school teachers about how to use technology & embrace it. An example of that is when I started & led the iPads in class idea at our school. We now use iPads at our school, & students are ecstatic about the way it has made everything a lot easier. What else have I done to promote the use of new technologies? Well, I gave a presentation at the Dubai Health Authority in front of doctors, medical staff, admin staff & others. I also presented my iPad at work idea to Medcare Hospital. I did all that without someone telling me to do it, I call it passion.
That's why I have great aspirations that I'll be able to take Dubai to the next level of technological advancements. I choose Stanford because I've researched many other universities, but none felt a better fit for me than Stanford. Just knowing that my role model -Steve Jobs- gave a speech there is enough for me. I want to make technology a lot more easier. I want to make it accessible to everyone. I have a strong feeling that Stanford will help me achieve my goals in life.
much better than before.
It made me more mature than the other kids
I have reservation about this line. I appears a little odd, as to what exactly made you more mature , because the situation you described can occur with anyone - rumors,etc. I may have got this wrong, but I felt this way. Hope this helps ..
Thank you for your feedback (:
