Sorry for the delayed reply, and most of all thank you!!
LOL it's so easy to end up writing about irrelevant stuff on an essay like this. Anyways, I made some major changes to it according to your feedback. Is it any better?
.... :)
Well.... sounds better :)
For me, becoming a Queen's alumni means that I will be able to continue on my climb to success - inspiring others along the way.
... climbing success and inspiring others ; do you mean about the success in this field? This sounds too general.
My suggestion is to combine the first two paras. I'd like if you re-phrase them to show that you are interested in both IT and medicine. Take the following lines to the very end of this para;
- this journey has been nothing short of ecstatic. For me, becoming a Queen's alumni means that I will be able to continue on my climb to success (no need of hyphen) inspiring others along the way.
Also I feel it is better you use comma or semi colon instead of hyphen.