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A CULT and YOUTH?- UC Essay Prompt #1. revise.


nunya415 6 / 11  
Nov 23, 2008   #1
Please help me revise my essay! The italic means that I feels that the phrase sounds awkward, and would like you to help me make it more fluid, or advise me how i can do so. The bold are words that I want to be replaced with more...intelligent/elegant word.

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

By dictionary definitions, I am part of a cult. Every Sunday for the past seventeen years, my family and I have aroused ourselves at 3 am to drive to a remote plot of barren desert in the outskirts of Riverside, California. Upon arrival we gather our meditation cushions, and trudge in darkness up to the Meditation Hall to cleanse our souls of the accumulated karma of past lives.

As a youth, I was unable to integrate into my community due to what I perceived as religious differences; and thereby lied about my religious affiliation. I used Buddhism as a cover to avoid awkward explanations of my unique religious status to others. At a young age I found no reason to interact with local children, constantly viewed as the pariah playing by herself and as a stereotypical Asian girl: quiet and compliant.

I was repeatedly taught that I did not pertain to any particular "religion" but to a "method" in which, practitioners earn enlightenment through hours of daily meditation. We are bound by five precepts: Do not lie; do not steal; do not partake in adultery; do not partake in either drugs or alcohol; and do eat kill (and thus, no consumption of either meat or egg). Leading us in this journey towards enlightenment is our Master, the Supreme Master Ching Hai.

All my life, it has been emphasized that the outcome in the afterlife outweighs all other priorities of life on Earth; However, I was never among the other children who blindly accepted this standpoint. After becoming "initiated" into the method, I began to question the basis of our practice. Not many of my questions were answered, and the few that were, were left to be satisfied with weak, general responses; with that, I became overwhelmed with my curiosity. More importantly, I was filled with the concept that if I did not try something, then I will never be able to know what the experience feels like.

If it were possible to convey first hand experiences to another individual, would there still be issues such as violence, especially if the experience of pain was possible to communicate?

Similarly, how could someone describe the taste of beef or chicken to me, a person who has only experienced the touch of fruits and vegetables? Ultimately this disposition became one of the driving forces in my life; motivating me to do things I never would have considered if I had just simply accepted the black and white teachings of the "method".

This desire to experience different opportunities has led to self "indulgences" in things such as consuming meat and egg; simple things that an average person would consider parts of life's norm. When I began to satisfy my curiosity, I discovered that there were several things that were inhibiting my experience of what the world has to offer; and in someway they were rooted in the "method".

To wake up from a pseudo-reality in which the "method" was priority, to a seemingly alternate universe where one who is willing to shed certain beliefs can experience many experiences, is an indescribable sensation. Discarding my religious standard in order to personally discover the world has allowed me to open up and function normally among my peers. But what I have come to value the most is my voracious desire to learn; to have discovered such a gift is a blessing, but to be able to cultivate it is a once in a life time opportunity.

Do I have enough voice in this essay?
Have I sufficiently addressed the prompt?
Also, I really need to shave down the word count for this essay. It is at 580 words, and I need it to be as close to 500 as possible.

Thank You.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 23, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

I think your voice is very confident; you explain your interpretations and experiences with a very authoritative tone. I think it partly answers the prompt; I don't really see how this answers the part about your dreams or aspirations. It seems that you discuss more about wanting to get more out of life, and if that is your dream or aspiration, you need to make that more clear.

In regards to the bold words, I suggest looking them up at thesaurus.com; this is a Webster Dictionary page, a partner of dictionary.com; it has great synonyms and antonyms, and that should help you get a better idea as to what words you would like to use.

In regards to the italicized phrases, here are some suggestions:

"...to cleanse our souls of the accumulated karma of past lives."
...to cleanse our souls of the accumulated murky karma of past lives.

"As a youth, I was unable to integrate into my community due to what I perceived as religious differences; and thereby lied about my religious affiliation."

As a youth, I was unable to integrate into my community due to what I perceived as religious differences. Therefore, I lied about my religious affiliation.

"At a young age I found no reason to interact with local children, constantly viewed as the pariah playing by herself and as a stereotypical Asian girl: quiet and compliant."

At a young age I found no reason to interact with local children; I was constantly viewed as a pariah because I played by myself, and was thought of as the stereotypical Asian girl; quiet and compliant.

"...in which, practitioners...
...in which practitioners...

"Not many of my questions were answered, and the few that were, were left to be satisfied with weak, general responses; with that,..."

Not many of my questions were answered; the few that did get acknowledged were done so with weak, general responses; because of that..."

"I will never be able to know what the experience feels like."
I would never know what that experience felt like.

"Ultimately this disposition became one of the driving forces in my life; motivating me to do things I never would have considered if I had just simply accepted the black and white teachings of the "method"."

Ultimately, this curiosity became one of the driving forces in my life, motivating me to do things I never would have considered if I had just simply accepted the black and white teachings of the "method."

"...has led to self "indulgences" in things such as consuming meat and egg;"
I wouldn't change anything here.

"...of what the world has to offer; and in someway they were rooted in the "method"."
...of what the world has to offer and in some way these deficiencies were rooted in the "method."

In regards to word count, I would remove this section: "To wake up from a pseudo-reality in which the "method" was priority, to a seemingly alternate universe where one who is willing to shed certain beliefs can experience many experiences, is an indescribable sensation. Discarding my religious standard in order to personally discover the world has allowed me to open up and function normally among my peers. But what I have come to value the most is my voracious desire to learn; to have discovered such a gift is a blessing, but to be able to cultivate it is a once in a life time opportunity" and rewrite a shorter, more relevant conclusion.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP nunya415 6 / 11  
Nov 24, 2008   #3
Are there better ways to end this besides a question?
OP nunya415 6 / 11  
Nov 24, 2008   #4
Oh i forgot to include this one part that i had changed that was in another part of the essay:
All my life, it has been emphasized that the outcome in the afterlife outweighs all other priorities of life on Earth; However, I was never among the other children who acquiesced this standpoint. After becoming "initiated" into the method, I began to question the basis of our practice.

does the usage of that term in that context make sense? can it be better?
powergirl - / 3  
Dec 22, 2008   #5
By dictionary definition, I am in a cult; ''Let your life speak.'

Do I have any errors? Does it sound right? Is it strong? If you can, please help me trim it down. Thanks![/b]

By dictionary definition, I am in a cult. Every Sunday, my family and I cleanse our souls of the murky karma accumulated from our past lives.

I was repeatedly taught that I did not pertain to any particular "religion" but to a "method" by which practitioners achieve enlightenment through meditation. We are bound by five precepts: Do not lie; do not steal; do not partake in adultery; do not partake in either drugs or alcohol; and do not eat meat or eggs.

...
joke0611 5 / 18  
Dec 22, 2008   #6
so i'm just letting you know that i'm just a senior in high school too...
It's pretty good
maybe towards the beginning or somehow in the prompt mention what the definition of a cult is and then use parts of the definition to exemplify how you think you're in a cult

you should be more specific in how you have been motivated to do things you never considered before. like was there an epiphany in your life? a life changing experience or something?

and to be honest I'm not sure how you can trim it down. I have the same problem with some of my essays. sorry!

hope I helped somehow
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 23, 2008   #7
I was repeatedly taught that I did was not affiliated with any particular "religion" but to a "method" by which practitioners achieve enlightenment through meditation.

Throughout my lifetime, it was emphasized that the afterlife outweighs all other priorities in life; however, I was never among those who blindly accepted this standpoint.

Yet I have realized that, having been unexposed to controversial issues such as religions, I am capable of unbiased assessment. Today, I am able to approach anything with an open mind, an advantage I know will be useful in my future.

Wow, you never mention the name of the religion! But it must be a sect of Buddhism or Hinduism, right? Well, I think that the precepts that you keep are wise, and I spend much of my time reading about Buddhism and Hinduism. I was raised into a BELIEF system, but I think it makes much more sense to practice meditation! I hope you come full circle and embrace the method, driving onward toward enlightenment!

It is interesting to me that, people who were raised into belief systems often reject them and practice meditation, but you, who were raised into meditation, seek other things. I guess we always seek other things!

Mention the name of the religion, and perhaps you can also link your open mind (at the end) to the opportunities available through the school to which you are applying.

:)


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