Creation of a program, and how it developed me. UC App Personal Statement 2

Hello, if anyone can check if I addressed the prompt correctly, grammatical errors, and give me tips on my essay that would be wonderful :) English is not my first language so any help is appreciated! One of the sentence is in italic because I don't really know how to reword to make my point across clearly.

Personal Statement 2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

With sweat coated hands and a floating heart, I approached the lone stand and glanced at the two judges. Four eyes with raised eyebrows widened curiously as I introduced myself and raised my violin. It has been only two minutes since I last played in the previous room, but my fingers felt as if they were frozen with only a small match fire defrosting it. It was a slow excerpt, where it hangs and digs to mimic a broken heart. Disregarding the uncomfortable weight of my fingers, the gentle pull of the bow sparked the violin alive and roared the cry of an abandoned man. Wondering how my sound is received, I peaked at the judges once more, and saw the led shrapnel of their pencils flying about. The nerve wrecking sight instantly tensed my muscles, so to avoid further complications, my eyelids remained squeezed tight for the remainder of the audition.

The acceptance letter was a surprise on a bright sunny day in September. At the age of nine, I should have be honored to perform with the Virtuosi of Houston, a chamber orchestra who is known for its unique small ensemble size. The opportunity to join the group of elite high school musicians at such a young age was unheard of, but the experience increased my introvert senses more. Alone amongst unfamiliar and far superior musicians, I receded myself further into silence and fear. The feeling of rejection creeps below my seat during each rehearsal until the beast, companioned with shame, awaited for me at the last chair of the section. I have begun to feel that I am an unnecessary addition to the orchestra, and would constantly consider leaving to save myself from embarrassment. But despite my negativity, I found a way to submerge myself into the music, and soon after the uneasiness I encountered lifted away. After developing close relationships to many at the conclusion of my first season, I introduced the concept of establishing chamber quartets in Virtuosi to contribute to surrounding communities, closely bond musicians, and to prevent others from my experience.

The program was a tremendous success, the participants were featured as Houston citizens of the month, involved in unique musical experiences such as TV performances on Great Day Houston, and relieved chemotherapy patients through the joy of music. Being the leader of the program, I began breaking my comfort zones through leading others, approaching strangers, and presenting myself formally. Mistakes during performances pushed myself to strive for not only good, but exceptional ensemble the next performance. The tough preparations lead others to strive for their best as well, which brought a greater sense of accomplishment to us at the conclusion of every performance. I was overjoyed every time a peer or listener smile to our music, and the exhilaration to capture other's emotions motivated me to spread happiness to others. The lonesome I once felt towards Virtuosi was replaced by the feeling of serenity from a family, the experience that I endured and the lessons I learned there became a part of me today. Seven years of achievements and friendships would have never existed if I made the decision to leave Virtuosi, and through those experiences I am able to motivate myself to overcome through the toughest challenges today.

Wilson, this is definitely an accomplishment that you should be proud of even if it happened at a very young age. The reason for that is that your acceptance was a feat unto itself and the subsequent performance that you did was a high profile event. This lays the foundation to perceive you as a unique individual who is capable of performing feats beyond your expected abilities and age. There are some grammar errors that need to be corrected though. I will present these corrections to you below :-)


- ... and a fast beating heart...


- ... approached the podium...


- .. violin to life and...




- ... rejectioncrept below...


- ...accompanied by shame, waited for me at the last chair of the section.

-I began to feel unnecessary in the orchestra. I considered leaving to save myself from embarrassment. Yet, I found a way to brush the negative thoughts aside in order to submerge myself into the music, which always lifted away my doubts. I began to develop close relationships with my fellow musicians after a period of time and, while discussing with them, I slowly began to develop an idea, a concept that would establish camber quartets... and to prevent other future members from having my experience.

- As the leader of the program, I learned break free of my inhibitions and think out of the box. I began to lead others and learned how to speak to strangers in a formal manner. Any performance mistakes that I made only served to fuel my desire to improve my craft further for the benefit of the ensemble. Tough preparations for performances brought a greater sense of accomplishments I no longer doubted myself after the success of my quarter program. I finally belonged and learned how to use my past experiences to further develop the traits that have helped to shape the person I have become. I now belonged to a musical family, the Virtuosi and learned that it is possible to overcome any challenges provided I was willing to take a chance on myself, with or without the support of others.

I reworded some paragraphs to create a better impression or impact. I felt that some of the paragraphs needed shortening and revisions so I took the liberty of doing it for you. I hope you approve :-)