I really want to get into Rochester university. Can anybody help me revise these essays?
Commonapp essay:
It was the second trimester of AP Calculus when I got to chapter 5-the "Integrals" section. I love those graphs at first sight of seeing them; this topic was very appealing to me. The graph requires us to find the area of the triangle under the line; the challenge is to use integrals (area of rectangle) to find the area. First, I divided the base into several intervals by adding each rectangle to estimate the area of the triangle. However, there are always errors in there, because the area of the rectangles would be either bigger or smaller than the actual area. The only way I get the actual area is when I divide the base into infinite intervals; I found that the areas of the rectangles equal the area of the triangle! I was fascinated by the fact that the area of the rectangles would eventually turn into the area of the triangle. I was so curious that I divided the base into several intervals. I figured out that the more intervals I drew, the closer the area came to that of the triangle. I was also intrigued about another aspect of it: Starting from the left, right or the middle I got different results of the areas of the rectangles. They might be bigger, smaller or equal to the area of the triangle. However, when the base is divided into infinite intervals, the area becomes the same, which is the area of the triangle.
It is a common faith that people are born differently and not equal. Some are born into wealthy families and physically healthy; they have quite a lot of ways to access success. Some are born into the middle class. Some are born into poor families or are physically disabled; they hardly have access to the high levels of society. Just like with the area of the graph, if I only divided the base into two intervals, the difference between the triangle and the rectangle is huge; so is the elite class that possesses a lot of advantages over those who are not born into wealth. Looking from another perspective, by dividing people's lives into infinite intervals: every year, every day or even every second, then each moment doesn't differ from each other too much. Even poor people experience happiness a lot while the wealthy people might get stuck in their problems once in a while. As long as we see human life from this perspective, then we'll see that life isn't unfair. Even though the rectangle which means the trace of everybody's life is different, however, the area, the integral of people, starting from the origin till the end of the line, is a piece of a story of everybody's life, is always the same. Everybody is created equally; born as a new baby, die as an old man, we create our own story, and they decorate the entire human history.
Rochester supplement:
Why Rochester?
Why Rochester:
Just stop regulating and labeling me.
Everyday I am surrounded by words like: "You have to practice do this." Pushing me to finish my responsibility out of my innate impulse; or words labeling me like "you are a math student, you should do go in math."
We are living in a world to be expected instead of doing what we wishes, under a regulations to schedule our life in a certain way. We are regulated.
I came to know Rochester so well because one of my best friends---Austin Slosberg went to that school. He told me about the self-made schedule, perfect math and science research environment, diversified student body, and Sibley Music Library. Everything just sounded too perfect for me. In Rochester, I am able to make my own schedule without being regulated. I am going to be myself, Jeff, without being labeled.
i like your comparison of area of triangle with social differences, but i suggest you that you can cut on some parts of description of integral method of finding areas, and include more of comparison. also try to restructure your sentences. The essay looks a bit haphazard right now . also the transition from first to second para is a little abrupt. Overall a fantastic idea and have a potential to be great essay. that my point of view, and you don't have to take any advice I give. :)
i agree with the previous comment. cut down a little bit on the descriptive part an focus more on the comparison. i would also like to add that you should write something more about yourself. while i get to know how you view others, i cant know much about you from this essay which is what you want to do with an application essay.
the second essay has a lot of grammatical mistakes and awkward sentences. would suggest revising it.
Stop labeling me.
I often hear words labeling me like, "You are a good math student, you should do go into math." We live in a world where what is expected is often the rules, rather than doing what we wish to learn; we risk being regulated by labels created by others.
However, when I looked on Rochester, I am sure it is the place for me. Everything sounded too perfect for me. I am thirst to design my first self-made schedule; I desire for the outstanding math and science research environment; I can't wait to rush to the Sibley Music Library to "work hard, play hard". At the University of Rochester, I would be able to create an educational path for myself. Without being regulated by core requirements, I would be myself, Jeff, without being labeled.
Is that better?
