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'a country known only for its war' - CommonApp - Significant Event (Sri Lanka)


claude 1 / 2  
Dec 26, 2011   #1
This is my response to the 'Significant Event and it's impact on you' essay part of the Common App. I would really appreciate any sort of feedback. I don't know if anyone would be offended by part where I mention western people. I would like to know your opinion on that as well. Oh, and BTW, I'm applying to Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Amherst, and a couple other schools, if that helps in any way. So here goes...

The screaming had ceased. I looked out the window. The old cracked road and the now black grass beside it were sprayed red with blood. There were numerous pink chunks of dead life littered across in various shapes and sizes. A man, with his lower leg attached to his knee by only a thread of skin, was trying to drag himself across the street. The pain he suffered is something I can only hope I will never have to experience myself. This was what I saw when I looked out the window after a bomb blast in Jaffna in a country known only for its war - Sri Lanka.

This happened five years ago, but I can still see it clearly. I can still remember the way my eyes zigzagged all over the scene. The detached head that was looking straight up at God with vehement resentment. The many severed limbs. Internal organs, with no solid shape. The macabre emanation that could be seen as well as smelled. I can still see it all. I was safe from the blast, but the sickening sight was too overwhelming to feel anything other than despair and abhorrence.

For some time after this incident, I was determined to eventually stop war and make the world a better place, until reality slapped me in the face. When you get a firm grasp on reality, you find that there are certain things you can't do. World peace is one of those things. Self-confidence is one thing, but wanting to fly naked is another matter entirely.

So there I was, with that scene lingering in my mind, but aware that I was just a useless spectator. Over time, I developed a strong urge to be the best at whatever I did. You're probably asking how wanting to be the best is related to creating world peace. To be honest, it isn't, but I can show that I can achieve just as much as the world's most successful people have. I can show that you don't have to sit around and wait to be killed for something that wasn't your fault. I can show that a dark-skinned, rather shorter-than-average kid from Sri Lanka can achieve just as much as anyone else. I can show that all life is created equal. So far, I have been living up to my dream. I have won the gold medal in Karate at the South Asian tournament. I've become the captain of my soccer club and played for four inter-international tournaments, and I have stayed at the top of my class for the entirety of high school. But I believe that these things are all small steps to achieving a far greater goal.

I can show the hopeless of Sri Lanka and all other suffering nations that they are in no way of less value than their western counter-parts. Success is achievable by anyone who follows their passion and I want to be living proof of that. I may not be able to fly naked or become the global white dove, but I can pretty dang well become someone great enough to make the world hear my voice.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Dec 26, 2011   #2
First of all, I have to say you write really well. Here are my suggestions:--

Your second paragraph doesn't add much to what you have written in the introduction. You've already given a vivid description of the incident, and the second paragraph just sounds repetitive.

until reality slapped me in the face.

How? Perhaps, you should explain it a bit.

I don't know if anyone would be offended by part where I mention western people.

I don't know about that, but I do think that particular reference is irrelevant to the essay.

I don't know why, but I'm finding it difficult to relate the anecdote with your ambitions. It maybe because you have not specified your goals. For all your eloquence, "...strong urge to be the best at whatever I did...," doesn't paint a good picture. It is as if you don't have any idea why you are applying for college.

I suggest you mention what career you want to take up in the future, and make a connection to the incident you mentioned.
dychung7 7 / 19  
Dec 26, 2011   #3
I like how you move from the actual event to the impact part quickly so that readers don't get too lost in the details of the experience.

However, you should maintain a formal style throughout the entire essay. Especially the last sentence. I would reword the phrase "I can pretty dang well". I understand you are trying to maintain your voice (I may be wrong) but the informality may be unattractive to some admissions officer.

These are just suggestions. Don't hesitate to challenge them.
emrebond007 4 / 7  
Dec 26, 2011   #4
I agree with ershad193 concerning your writing but i think you should change "I can show the hopeless of Sri Lanka " at the beginning of your conclusion because if i were the reader ,i would feel it like arrogance and not self-confidence.here is a suggestion: " i know i have the ability to show the hopeless of sri lanka... "
OP claude 1 / 2  
Dec 26, 2011   #5
Thank you very much for all the feedback. Really appreciate it! :)

@Hussein: Yes that is exactly what I feared was wrong. I have a hard time expressing what I'm thinking. I did try really hard to add how my major would help me with my goal, but since I'm probably majoring in Business and Drama/Theatre... I have no idea how I can relate that. I have written the essay from the bottom of my heart but as you have mentioned, I have a hard time relating the incident to how I feel. Any further help would be greatly appreciated. :) Also, like dychung7 mentioned above, do you think the 'pretty dang well' part seems out of place?


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