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Looking for fundamentals of how everything is functioning Cornell Arts & Sciences 'interests' prompt


batmankiller 6 / 40  
Dec 25, 2009   #1
I feel this is a pretty weak essay, so any help to fix it would be nice. Not sure if I should edit or just start over.

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

My drive to explore the fundamentals of how everything functions underscores my interests in Chemistry. I wanted to know why we used salt to thaw snow, why iron rusts, and why water can't mix with oil. Chemistry explained all this, and vivified the intricacies of the matter around us. I thought Chemistry was the sole field I wanted to dedicate my life to studying. And it was until my trip to Hong Kong, in 2006, which caused me to want to explore medicine as well.

Her hacking cough resonated throughout my eardrums as I observed her pallid, attenuating, complexion. Combined with her blood-stricken and dry lips, it spoke volumes about her health. I knew my grandma did not have a lot of time left. Chemotherapy had been ineffective for the last few months, and her body was getting weaker by the second.

When I arrived in Hong Kong, I saw my grandma for the first time since 1998. However, I didn't see that uplifting smile I remembered her for, but, instead the nefarious lung cancer slowly devouring her. She lost the charisma, the energy and the aura of affection that I admired her for. Hearing not her delectable laughter, but her strident cough of blood, I cringed in fear. She was dying, and I couldn't help her.

I heard the news two months after I returned to New York. My grandma's battle with lung cancer was over; she fought an enduringly, but ultimately succumbed to the disease. Even though I had expected it subconsciously, it didn't mitigate the pain at all. My sadness eventually transformed into action, as I decided that medicine was another field I relished to study. I wanted to prevent other teenagers from having to face the same pain I felt of losing a loved one. Still, my predilection for Chemistry was unfazed, as I now strived to study both.

Last year, after exploring the Nanotechnology Exhibit in Albany, I finally discovered a way to combine my penchant for chemistry and medicine-nanotechnology. After seeing the exorbitant amount of nano-based products, I was impressed by the vast array of possibilities for it-including electronics, energy sources, and medicine. More importantly, the study of nanotechnology permits me to incorporate the complexities of chemistry with my passion to help others. Through dedication and diligence, I will be able to assist in and contribute to our knowledge on this phenomenon and hopefully cure cancer.

Cornell's college of Agriculture and Life Sciences provides the environment in which I can explore my ambition of improving society through fields I enjoy most. Through its renowned undergraduate research facilities, I hope to apply my talents and interests to help advance our erudition in science. It is here that, as my school's motto says, "I will be able to leave my city greater than when I found it.

This essay seems unfocused and it's also above the limit. So any advice and any deletion of parts/sentences that I don't need is fully appreciated
Ivy_Equestrian 13 / 55  
Dec 25, 2009   #2
"And it was, until my trip to Hong Kong, in 2006, which caused me to want to explore medicine as well."

"However, I didn't see that uplifting smile I remembered her for, but, instead the nefarious lung cancer slowly devouring her."

"She lost the charisma, the energy, and the aura of affection that I remember her for."
You use the tense shift twice here, and you also repeat the same phrase. You should rephrase that; perhaps something like 'she had lost her characteristic energy, charisma, and aura of affection.' Just an example.

"I wanted to prevent other teenagers from having to face the same pain I felt of losing their loved ones."

It's good, but like you said, it's not super focused. It seems like you jump around a little from story to story - the real "meat" is in the last two paragraphs. Your writing is very strong there, and IMO, you shouldn't change that. Just try to consolidate the rest - if you can have one memorable story and the rest an explanation of your interests I think it will be a very effective essay.

Any chance of a return critique?
OP batmankiller 6 / 40  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
Yeah only thing is I want to show I want to do nanotechnology due to my interests in Chemistry and Biology, but I'm having troubles showing both aspects. Should I just take out the first part about my early signs for my love of science and just go straight into the event with my grandma with a very consolidated version detailing my love for Chemistry.
Ivy_Equestrian 13 / 55  
Dec 26, 2009   #4
Yeah, I would. Just launch right into the story in a compelling way. Like I said, the best part is the last two p-graphs; the first one doesn't say anything not said better in the last.
OP batmankiller 6 / 40  
Dec 26, 2009   #5
Yeah that's true, the first paragraph seems just a more detailed specific encounter to wrap up my conclusion paragraph.. here's my edit.. I still thought I needed to include my chemistry interests..so it flows nicely into nanotechnology, because a lot of people want to be doctors, but why nanotechnology? my interests in chemistry explains this.
OP batmankiller 6 / 40  
Dec 26, 2009   #6
my biggest problem that I noticed was I had to use big words that I didn't want to use, but I just couldn't find the "smaller words" that would flow properly.. any suggestions or pointers on which words are awkward/wrong word is appreciated.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 29, 2009   #7
Chemistry explains all this, and vivified the intricacies of the matter around us. I decided a long time ago that Chemistry was the sole field to which I want to dedicate my life of study.

It was not u ntil my trip to Hong Kong in 2006 that I began to want to explore medicine as well.

That second paragraph needs a topic sentence. Google "topic sentence" if you are not sure what it is, and put one at the beginning of that paragraph.

Even though I had expected it, subconsciously the fact that I saw her death coming didn't mitigate the pain I felt.


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