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What is your contribution to your community and why would you require financial aid ?


answers: 3
Feb 12, 2011, 09:59pm   #1
This question is for the supplementary information for ** undergraduate admission awards.
There is no word limit provided.

Q. What have you done to contribute to your school or community? (suggest ideas on this question- i think my essay has become quite irrelevant)

What I strongly wish to contribute to the community is the attempt to make a significant change in this world; to wipe out the dominant evil which has been the reason for human decline and establish peace. I certainly know that the road to making this come true is full of prickly thorns but if every individual does not realize how vital this issue is, the gap between the evil and the good will continue to remain undiminished.
I believe I am one of those rare students from my school to participate in almost every field of the extra-curricular activities and also to consistently maintain class performances. During my various extra-curricular activities like music, sports and volunteer works as stated before, I have greatly improved my interaction, interpersonal, analytical, leadership and teamwork skills; I gained much knowledge and have developed my understanding about many worldly issues. I think the skills, the experiences and my beliefs are what I have contributed to my school and community. Apart from these, I have a strong urge to fight against domestic violence which is very common in developing countries like ****. I wish to help women to break through the shackles of utter confinement that the society has created for them; to lend a hand to those who have been victims of domestic violence; to obliterate the issues that have deprived women from having their rights; to put an end to the screams and tears of pain in every house of developing countries and develop a mutual understanding between men and women. In addition, I also have the desire to help the children who are below the poverty line and to stop child labour. What I have seen and learnt about my community is that there is a considerable inequality still existing in this part of the world. Women and children have many restrictions; they are mostly not allowed to raise their voices, unless they are very powerful.
Till this time, I have tried to stand up against the unethical activities in life and I am waiting for that one moment when I can bring the change that I want to. If we want to make a great change in our community, it is our responsibility to grab hands together and work as one team. I believe we need just that one moment in life to closely see the tears of pain of these people and that one chance to prove ourselves to be an actual, worthy member of this society.

*Should I include details of my extra-curricular activities? Any advice would be highly appreciated.*

Q . Do you think that you will require financial assistance to study at university?

Working over eight hours, almost every day in a week, my father has managed to fund our rising expenses till now. It has been more than a decade that we lived in a small country called **** and it is also known by the world how poor the condition of our economy is, compared to other countries. Now, when we are deciding to settle down in Canada to pursue my higher studies and to gain from a better living standard, my father who is the only income earner in our family has to leave his job. Our financial condition would, indeed, be very weak to prepare ourselves for this new start in a completely new region but the question 'how to cover my university costs' haunts us even more every time we think about it. We are assuming that our financial condition would worsen badly when the burden of my significantly huge university costs would directly hit us along with other increased living costs.

Without any source of income, it would be greatly difficult for us to finance our housing and transportation costs, and then furthermore, pay for my considerably high university costs. Moreover, since I have stepped into my nineteenth year last December, I am no longer considered to be a dependent; so when we are arriving in Canada, my parents are probably not also receiving any child benefits (which had been stopped two years back during our absence in Canada). We are arriving in Toronto by the end of July after completing my A-levels here in June, and I do not think it would be quite possible for my parents or me to find work in such a short span of time and earn some immediate money to fund our expenses. In addition to this, my parents may require some training or college classes, especially on English, before starting work in Canada; so they would also need enough time to prepare themselves for work. Even getting any sort of financial assistance from the government would require some adequate time.

My parents now wish that I pay for my own expenses and if possible, some of the household expenses too; but I think it would be quite impossible for me to take up the load of classes and work at the same time, and also end up with good grades or percentage in the class. Student loans will surely help me to fund my university costs but I think this would only be a temporary solution and I will have to go for work sooner or later to support my family needs and also, to pay back the student loan debt. There is a high chance that I would be mentally distressed, distracted and would not be able to give much attention and time to my studies; I would feel paralyzed by the fear of loan debt and would always be engaged in other activities rather than my studies. The scholarship, on the contrary, would highly boost up my self-confidence, increase my motivation to study properly and help me to stand out from everyone in the class. Furthermore, this would strengthen my determination of reaching the heights of success as a top business woman or Chartered Accountant and of changing the perception of a woman's place in the society what women are and what they are capable of achieving.

Therefore, I believe these reasons provided in my statement are sufficient to demonstrate my needs and also explain why I would require financial aid to study at ***.

* Please check my sentence structure, content, grammar and punctuation. Again any suggestion would be highly appreciated.*

Thank you.

Don't say strongly. It is a weak way to emphasize.. it is better to SHOW how strongly with example than to use that nasty little adverb. :-)

What I strongly wish to contribute to the community is the attempt to make a significant change in this world; This uses a lot of words but does not really say anything.
I wish to wipe out the dominant evil which has been the reason for human decline and establish peace. ---This sentence is a little better, but it still does not really say anything. You need to tell the reader what you are all about.


I certainly know that the road to making this come true is full of prickly thorns but if every individual does not realize how vital this issue is, the gap between the evil and the good will continue to remain undiminished.---I like this sentence a lot, but you need to put it with some sentences that tell specific concepts or plans that the reader will associate with you.

You write very well! I think the second essay is stronger than the first. However, for both essays it will help if you establish a clever, strange, or somehow memorable theme. Use a concept at the beginning and end of each essay, and let all the explanations be about that concept.

:-)
Feb 15, 2011, 12:38am   #3
Thank you so much :)
Yes I know, I have some serious problems with the first essay. I don't know what to write actually and I tried to make it look long by adding these sentences :S :( The content somehow seems to convey no message in my point of view and is going irrelevant x(

What should I actually include in the contribution part? I am so confused with what to write! It says what have you contributed.
I don't actually know what I ''have'' contributed; they are nothing special. But what I would want to contribute are far superior than what I have done till now. Should I write about my extracurricular activities? But there is already a section for those in the same form with questions:

Please check all of the boxes that apply, and tell us briefly about your answers.
* I have been active in school clubs or programs outside the classroom.
* I have excelled in athletics.
* I have excelled in artistic activities (for example, music, drama, visual art)

I obviously cannot repeat my extracurricular activities. Tell me what are usually written in contribution to community essays and how can I make my second one better? :) I sort of included my entire life story and I tried to make it look how bad is our financial condition; in actual it isn't like we're needy if we see people around us here but I tried to show how it would be like if we were in Canada. How possibly can I include a memorable theme? Because I don't have one. :(


Anyway thanks a ton for your suggestions! :) I'll try to think about the changes needed to make it better. :)
Well, i'll tell you what I think is the most important thing. You need to show how enthusiastic and idealistic you are, how motivated you are. You need to show the reader that you are reading and working hard to become an expert in your fields of interest. Therefore, when they ask what you contributed you should tell them ENCOURAGEMENT. You should use it as an opportunity to reinforce to the reader how committed and driven you are. If you contributed encouragement to everyone involved in your efforts associated with the interests you will be pursuing now, that will be very impressive!

:-)



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