'Competitive girl' - Lacrosse - personal essay / narrative to proofread (it also needs to be longer)

Amber Beatty
Mrs. Dombrowski
Gifted American Literature
20 January 2015

Personal Narrative

From a young age I have always been a competitive girl. I grew up in a family that taught me to strive to be my best and give everything my all. I have played several sports including soccer, basketball, and gymnastics but I have never really enjoyed any of them quite as much as I enjoy lacrosse. Up until freshman year I had no idea what lacrosse even was. I knew that it involved sticks and a lot of running but that's about as far as my knowledge went.

My interest in joining the team began when a few friends of mine, who were seniors at the time, encouraged me to play. I figured it would be a fun hobby after school to stay in shape and meet some new people with. So I bought the cheapest stick I could find from Dick's sporting goods, dragged some friends along with me, and showed up at tryouts clueless and eager. I am sure I looked like an idiot that day, holding my stick in the wrong hand and missing all the balls thrown at me but I sure did have fun. I was put on the JV team along with my friends and some other girls I didn't really know.

The awkwardness of new team passed quickly though. It didn't take long for our team became a family and my friends and I to become "the feisty freshmen". The more I played the greater my interest grew. I started attending indoor practices, joined club teams, and practiced with the older girls as much as I could. I got rewarded for my hard work by playing in my first varsity game mid-season. I can remember feeling so nervous that my hands were clammy and sweating so hard I could barely keep grip on my metal stick. The thought of playing against upperclassmen so much bigger and experienced than I was terrified me. I remember cutting to goal wide open and dropping a pass from a senior. I was mortified I felt like I didn't deserve to be on the field and at halftime I apologized to coach for messing up, but instead of focusing on my mistakes he encouraged me with something I'll never forget: "Move on to the next one. You can't make score every shot or catch every pass. Have a short memory and get the next one. Play without fear of failure." I took that to heart and started scoring more goals and by the end of the season I got my first letter.

My first season was great so of course I chose to play again sophomore year. I played all summer and fall to improve. Tryouts were more intense this time since I was actually expected to know how to play, so I felt the pressure. After scrimmaging and running drills Coach Connell evaluated my right and left hand passing skills and my shooting abilities and I could feel her eyes watching my every move waiting to see if I would goof up. Thankfully my nerves didn't get to me and I was put on the varsity team. It was an extreme relief that my practice payed off. The season was filled with unforgettable memories with the team making jokes in the locker room and singing on the bus. I was given the nickname "Mamba" and for some reason it stuck.

I will be playing again this year and making more memories that I will never forget. Joining the lacrosse team I gained not only a jersey and a number but a team of girls that became sisters and lifelong friends. At times it got hard and I lost faith in my abilities to play but I always stuck through it and I am so grateful that I have.

Hello Amber,
It was fun reading your essay because I played a lot of basketball during my high school years, I wasn't really in a club, but it was a type of fun unlike anything else. Reading this makes me want to play basketball again,, but I am busy applying for college and as a result incredibly out of shape.

Since this is a personal essay, I don't think I can criticize about your structure. (Not that your essay's disorganized. It's pretty good) But I guess I can point out a couple grammar mistakes. Take a look and please feel free to comment your thoughts.


----> no need to put 'with' since the sentence goes like, I figured it would be a fun hobby after school to stay in shape and to meet new people.


It's an awkward formation... I would put a entire new phrase like, ---- showed up at tryouts being clueless what I am going into but nevertheless eager to accept a new challenge. (something like this)

Also, I think your essay would have a easier flow if you apply more transition words like nevertheless, however, despite, ect...
Overall, very fun essay to read and you used some advanced vocab. Not bad!

Thank you for your help. I took your advice and I am turning it in tomorrow for my first writing assignment. I will try and help you with yours.