Please help have a look at my common app essay draft. I am an international student from Thailand applying for science/ pre-medical major
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
CHANCE
The 1997 financial crisis left Thailand and our family in shambles. When I was in Grade 6, I asked my mother for a piano. "Everyone's on page eight already and I still can't play C,D,E", I would moan. In our school's music class, we were learning basic piano, and I was lagging behind. The idea of coordinating ten fingers onto the keys together accurately and rhythmically was baffling to me and I was convinced I could never play a piece of music in my life. Now, a price for a piano was not cheap, and with the financial problems we and our country were experiencing, a piano was not an option. Of course, I would not have known all that as an eleven-year-old boy who at the time only wanted to pass his music class. The next day, my mom bought a toy piano for about 100 Baht. It had 10 baby-sized keys, with big cartoon faces plastered on the top. To a boy who is oblivious to the gravity of our financial situation, it looked ridiculous. "I can't play on that! It's a baby's toy, my hands don't even fit", I showed it to her, laughing - looking at hindsight - rather ungratefully. My mom didn't seem to mind though as she said "Alright son, I will get you a proper keyboard." After a discussion with my dad, they decided to get me a keyboard, 9000 Baht, right from the emergency savings. It wasn't a bad keyboard either, certainly didn't merit my limited talent in piano. Nevertheless, my parents bought it with some of the last savings they had, and needless to say, I loved it. I would play on it every day and night, sometimes so late I got told to stop by my family trying to sleep. In one month I could play every song in the school's music book and not long afterwards, took up 3 more instruments: violin and guitar and tuba. I am now the leader of the school orchestra and string orchestra and played in the concert band and jazz band. In short, I now breathe music. Back then, I was a boy with seemingly no talent or goal in life, until I received from my parents the greatest gift I never requested, and no it's not the toy piano or the keyboard, the gift of chance; the chance for me to have a talent, an aspiration, an identity, and I took it, without knowing, with my 10 now dexterous fingers.
Although I still love playing music, I now have a new goal in life, which came from my sudden revelation after seeing more and more of the graphically violent world we live in: that whilst playing music can reconnect a broken soul; it cannot heal a dying heart. Today, I know that I wanted to become a doctor and save people's lives, and that it is all I would ever want to do, even if it means going through hell of a refugee camp, or a slum village ravaged with disease. I have ambitions so great that they are ready to burst into action. Now I just need a chance, a medium for me to express my dreams, and it must not be just some toy piano or even a fully functional keyboard, but the grandest of the grand pianos that with the help of the instrument, I can make music that can change the world.
Hi,
. The idea of coordinating ten fingers ontoon the keys together accurately and rhythmically was baffling to me and I was convinced I could never play a piece of music in my life.
Wish if you break this up to two sentences... Too much length cause more work for the reader and he wouldn't like it for sure ;)Coordinating my ten fingers on the key board was a baffling task for me. I was pretty much convinced that I would never play a music piece in my life.our country were experiencing
our country was experiencing
Now, a price for a piano was not cheap, and with the financial problems we and our country were experiencing, a piano was not an option.
I feel you should not have your country involved in this sentence.... It is true that country's economy has a major impact on its people's quality of living.... but it is difficult to link the country's economy to your family's inability to afford a piano. It doesn't sound logical enough. Country is the macro picture and here you talk of something more personal nature.... hence your problem is too micro :D
I wish you rephrase this sentence : )Hi,
You are a good writer and I hope my suggestions would further improve your writing skills.
Now, a price for a piano was not cheap, and with the financial problems we and our country were experiencing, a piano was not an option.
This sentence seems to have a few issues. It isn't clear when the price of piano wasn't cheap and also. I also feel as if the sentence is a bit too long.Try:
The financial situation of my family as not great and a piano was certainly not an option for they were very expensive at the time.After a discussion with my dad, they decided to get me a keyboard, 9000 Baht, right from the emergency savings
My parents had a long discussion about my request and they decided to buy me a proper keyboard using the emergency savings.the chance for me to have a talent
I don't think this sounds right. You will always have a talent and you need a chance to show it.
:)
Thank you so much for the feedbacks :D, especially the grammar and vocabulary stuff as they are definitely not my strong points. What do you think about the tone and the theme of the stories though as I am not sure if the transition from music the my ambitions to become a doctor is good enough. Also, is the tone too boring or tedious? Too cliche or dramatic?? Thanks again for your feedbacks and I will have a look at all your essays, although I must say I'm no essay writing expert :S
This is a perfect example of bad application strategy. As an applicant to any competitive program, you have to take into account application strategy, it's more than just your grades, test scores, e.cs. In this essay, you paint a wonderful story about how you came to love music. Then at the very last paragraph you switch it to medicine. Why? Really explain why all of a sudden you want to study medicine? What happened in your life to all of a sudden push you into this? The strongest applications are the ones where a student displays a clear inclination and desire for a specific field of study. With more than 50% of pre-medicine majors leaving the major within the first two years, admissions committees will look for a stronger argument than "I know that I want to be a doctor." Strengthen this essay with other things you have done regarding medicine or stick to music. Also you do not explain any real risk or ethical dilemma that you were cognizant of. Switching from music to medicine hasn't happened yet, it is something you hope happens. -AAO
Hope this helps
Switching from music to medicine hasn't happened yet, it is something you hope happens.
I do have a very clear reason (and probably stronger than many other's) for wanting to do medicine which stems from exclusively wanting to save people's lives (especially Emergency medicine), although the origin of that reason is probably too disturbing and inappropriate for a common app essay (see: "revelation after seeing more and more of the graphically violent world we live in" part) and I would rather keep it . I know its pointless and self-defeating telling a person on the internet all that rather than putting it in an essay for the admissions to read but I intend to leave it that way.
I do agree with all your critique regarding sudden change in theme so will work on trying to express that in another way, or leave out the doctor part altogether.
Also you do not explain any real risk or ethical dilemma that you were cognizant of.
I thought it was an or question therefore implying choice? I was simply following the instructions and will humbly stand corrected if wrong.
Anyways thank you very much for your critique and its great to have a voice from someone with knowledge in application procedures like you. :)
P.s. I am sure I would never leave medicine in 2 years, apart from if I fail of course :P
