Can you guys re-read my common app personal essay. i feel as if i should add more to it, but im not sure what to write about now. i appreciate the help. thanks in advance
#1-Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Countless thoughts raced through my mind as I tried to comprehend where I was and what I was doing there. It was my first day as the cashier at the family store. I regret waiting until sophomore year of high school to take this opportunity for it helped me develop as a person tremendously. By simply helping customers find what they needed and giving back their change, I began to feel more confident. The simple "thank you" and "have a nice night" quickly changed into "how was your day" to "special plans for the weekend?" Soon I became more than some shy kid working somewhere, to a person who is comfortable talking to people, offering help, and approaching new experiences. Working has played a major role in my life. It has evolved to more than just a job, but to something I enjoy as it helps me grow as a sensitive and responsible person.
During the first few weeks of working I was a shy and quite kid who didn't want to be bothered. This quality of mine had a major impact in my social as well as academic life. Before starting work, I couldn't wait to come home from school and just go straight to sleep because I lacked the self-confidence to communicate and approach new people and obstacles. As soon as I started work, I quickly become "open" to people and wasn't afraid anymore. I began to see life in a whole different viewpoint. The ability to communicate with others opened up so many other opportunities to me, such as making new friends and even joining the gym.
Joining the gym was something I always wanted to do, but was too shy to build the courage to go by myself and workout, until a customer from work invited me to come workout with him. As an opportunity to do something I have always wanted to do, I quickly said yes and joined the gym with him. Now, almost two years later, I love going to the gym and working out, whether it be with a friend or by myself.
Work is just a small step that has impacted my life in a positive way. Working has enhanced my personality and helped me use my time efficiently as well as balance academics and other activities; a skill I hope to use in college. In college I look forward to many new opportunities to open up for me from sports to traveling and meeting new people.
"During the first few weeks of working I was a shy and quite kid who didn't want to be bothered"
Should be quiet
I also feel as if you could have a better transition from your second to third paragraph. Otherwise it is a fantastic essay, and answers the question perfectly.
