I left Hong Kong in 2007 and became a student at Bowling Green State University in Ohio - common app

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

The following is the new look of my essay.

I left Hong Kong in 2007 and became a student at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. After a semester I found that the environment was not for me. I wanted a vibrant city atmosphere, like Hong Kong, where I could be stimulated by new ideas as I encountered different people and stories each day and involved in a diverse community. I decided to go back to New York City and study at Borough of Manhattan Community College. Since then I began to develop a keen interest in business administration. I started my subscription to the Financial Times newspaper, and read some business- related books, namely "The World Is Flat" and "Goldman Sachs: The Culture of Success". I became more and more interested in business and aspired to a career with a multinational corporation like Goldman Sachs. In preparation for my business studies, I focused on taking a lot of liberal arts courses and some business-related courses at BMCC. However, the classes at BMCC are not very challenging, and in fact, I have longed for a world-class university education. Although I do not want to leave my friends, our club, my relationships with professors and with the college behind, I feel it is time for me to step forward. I love the idea of Cooperative Education at Northeastern University. It would allow me to combine knowledge and skills learnt in the classroom with real-world practices. I could study business management most effectively and gain valuable work experience through NU's co-op programs. Moreover, since I have an interest in globalization and international business, NU would be the best place for me to study at, not only because it is the leading research university in this field, but also because of its resources like the research centers and institutes. With international co-ops and interactions with student from all over the world, NU would best prepare me for a career in global business management. Furthermore, since NU is located in the metropolitan Boston, I would be able to engage in community services and other active organizations both at NU and in the Boston area. Because making connections with different people and with the society is important, NU would provide me with an environment that best fits my needs. At last, NU would be the college of my desirability and I would like to be granted for a chance to be part of your university.

Thank You Very Much.

i like it, however i think you spend too much time talking about your background and how you moved to New York, the prompt says reasons for transferring...so i think you should be really direct about it since it's just 250 words.

It's just my opinion though...

also your last line sounds wrong, it needs revision.

Upon finishing secondary school in Hong Kong, My parents and I decided to come to America. That is awesome, and by the way there is something very cool about the rhythm of the name Stephanie Chan - it'll make a good celebrity name -- but, let's start the essay with something powerful.

Start with a sentence that intrigues the reader! And then...

"I left Hong Kong in 2007 and became a student at Bowling Green State University in Ohio."

That is just what comes to mind for me.

nd when I was thinking about where to study next, I heard about Northeastern University from a friend and found that it is where I want to go. First and foremost, All this is inefficient, boring. But, it is good when you write: I love the idea of Cooperative Education. (but what, specifically about this school's program? Be specific.

This is really great; you write very well, and you have a rhythmic name! :)

Thank you so much for the comments. I have edited the essay with these great ideas.
And thanks for your appreciation with the name, I wasn't named Stefanie before, but I have been in love with this name for some time. ^^

By the way, how could you know I left Hong Kong in 2007? It's true but it's incredible that you would know that. haha.

I would also like to ask that should I break the essay into paragraphs, instead of sending a whole piece?
But I could only break it into two, right before I talk about the Co-op of NU.

Million thanks!!

even u have some problem with the structure but u know u can improve it in your future

Hahahahahahah! That must have been weird for you. I was just naming a year, so it was a coincidence. :) Hahahah

It would enable me to combine...

This is all one paragraph! Each paragraph should be a thought, a separate thought. Some people say paragraphs should have 4 to 8 sentences. Good luck! :)

ya I was thinking that you might be someone who knows me because my real name also appears on the thread. hahaha...it was mysterious.

And thank you very much for the help with my essay!!!
^.^

Wow, great essay overall. Here are a few minor fixes and suggestions:

"Since then I have begun to develop a keen interest in business administration."

"but also because of its resources such as the research centers and institutes"

'At last, NU would be the college of my desirability " This phrasing is awkward. Reword.

Thank you so much for your comments and fixes!!

Could you suggest me how to rephrase this sentence? I feel it's not appropriate too, but don't know how to correct it...


Should I say like "Therefore, NU would be the college of my dream and..."?

Therefore, NU is the ideal college for me, and...

Like that, maybe?

Yup! That sounds a lot better! Thank you very much!!