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Common App. - Inspiring person to run for Governor


craving4suga 3 / 6  
Aug 12, 2010   #1
Inspiration - that magic word has for centuries motivated people to achieve the impossible. When I met Sara at Girls State this year that is exactly what she did - inspire me to run for Governor.

As Governor of Girls State 2009, Sara presided over the 2010 week at ... University. With 600 competitive girls eyeing each other with caution and craving for attention, you would think, that there would be little chance of her talking to me. But, the day I met Sara will be etched in my memory forever. Her first question to me was: "Are you running for anything?" I said no, because I was not sure what I wanted to do at Girls State. But her question sparked something inside me. Maybe, I should run for something. The nightmare of fourth-grade SCA elections, when I had ran for historian and garnered only nine votes, came back to haunt me. Of course, I figured popularity played a part in school elections. But how was Girls State any different? Surrounded by gorgeous models and social butterflies, my insecurities flared up. The Girls State world intimidated me. My list of credentials did not matter in the august crowd of intelligent, talented young ladies. I realized I feared failure and decided to undertake this as a challenge.

When I announced to my city that I was running for governor, I received immense support. It felt great to be loved. While I worked on my nomination speech, the girls in my city set out quickly to make witty posters, colorful bandanas, and come up with cheers for me. One cheer in particular made me smile: "You're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind!" Without their support, I would have backed out of my goal. But what really kept me going was the idea of being just like Sara. I wanted to be sophisticated like her. I wanted to be poised in manner and speech like her. I wanted to be everything that I wasn't. But I was different in my own way and that's why my city supported me.

Sara represented Barrett City, my city, last year. She stayed in our dorm for the rest of the week. Before my nomination speech, she asked me about my platform and gave me a couple of tips. I figured it was her duty to encourage everyone, but nonetheless, I felt honored that she took time out of her schedule to talk to me. As the day for the convention approached, I practiced my speech harder because I wanted to make her proud of her former city. On the day of the convention election, while giving my speech, I looked to the back, to find her sitting there. She had come to listen to my speech. She, the former governor of Girls State, had come to listen to me, an ordinary girl with just a dream, give a speech. She probably doesn't know it, but her presence gave me courage. Her presence made me realize that I had potential to always reach for the best. Her presence made me stronger to face failure, if it were to happen again. I won, though. I shed tears of joy, to know that the girls in my party had accepted me.

That night, we went back to the dorms together. She told me about her experience at Girls State and how she prepared for the final election. She told me to relax and take it easy. That night, I went to sleep thinking, "It's not about me. I want to represent my city and the people who support me."With the final elections, I lost to a better and more qualified candidate. The loss did not bother me, because looking back at that week, I had made a personal victory.

We had a chat before Sara left for home. Our open-hearted conversation felt energizing; I cried and I laughed, and I was glad to have met her. She has inspired me in many ways: to overcome my fears, expand my horizons, and reach for the stars. And maybe, Dr. Seuss was right, "There are some things, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on." But on I'll go...

All comments and criticism are appreciated. I hope I didn't make anyone's eyes bleed. XD
I feel that my writing is childish and just bland.
-Harini
zengrz - / 92  
Aug 13, 2010   #2
Hi.

From what you have written, I think you have really grown a lot from this election. I think you are really committed to what you are doing and surely, you did win.

However, I was not sure what kind of victory you are referring to when you say

The loss did not bother me, because looking back at that week, I had made a personal victory.

Are you talking about your supporters, or the experience, and did that person inspired you to realize such victory? I think your reflection is equally important as the process, try to elaborate that a little. Make them feel your victory.

I like the ending, it shows your determination and commitment.

G L~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 15, 2010   #3
No need for comma or 'that'
...you would think that there would be little chance of her talking to me.

I wanted to be everything that I wasn't. But I was different in my own way, and that's why my city supported me.

On the day of the convention election, while giving my speech, I looked to the back (no need for a comma here) to find her sitting there.

Very good!! I hope Sarah gets to read this one day...
OP craving4suga 3 / 6  
Aug 15, 2010   #4
I plan on sending it to Sara once I have it perfected. :)
1. I was really worried on the "showing" rather than "telling" because I'm telling this as a story to the reader. With telling the reader these 'facts', can he/she understand the situation and the emotions in the essay?

2. Is "etched in my memory" and "sparked something in me" - are these common cliches? I hope I don't sound like every other teenager.

3. Is the Dr. Seuss introduced in an awkward way?
4. In regards to the plot of my story, I don't emphasis on my loss in the end. Is this anti-climatic?
What can I improve on, what should I keep?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 17, 2010   #5
I was really worried on the "showing" rather than "telling" because I'm telling this as a story to the reader.

This is a very good question! I'll answer it with an example related to another of your questions...
er, actually, I canot find any spot where you are guilty of telling instead of showing. You told a story that demonstrates something about your character: you are willing to learn, you are humble, you are serious about accomplishment.. it makes the reader like you! It makes the reader know that you are a serious student. The fact that you were selected for Girls State is enough to show seriousness, but in fact you went miles beyond that by telling this story...

So, what you did here really showed the reader what you are about. TELLING would be like this:
"I have always had high standards for myself, and I feel proud of my accomplishments, but I also am willing to listen to the advice of others." This makes a reader say, "Well that is nice, but words are cheap."

About the Dr. Seuss thing... it would be nice if you had a reference to the good doctor in the beginning of the essay, too, so that this would wrap it up by coming full circle back to Seuss... but actually, the abrupt reference to him works, I think. You said he was "right" and that was enough to make me understand that you were ending with a relevant quote. I think it works!

About the cliches... yes,they are cliches. But not bad ones! Change them if you come up with clever alternatives.

:-)
OP craving4suga 3 / 6  
Aug 19, 2010   #6
Oh, wow. Thank you. It makes so much more sense now. I'll guess I'll try to improve my word choice.
Does the 'anaphora" (repition of "she told..." "her presense") work?

Here is my 150 word description on one of my activities:
As I stood in front of a whopping crowd of strangers, I felt nervous and overwhelmed. I forgot what I had to say, mumbled something and sat back down. That was freshman year, when I joined the Model United Nations club at my school. But ever since then, I've worked hard to sound like this; "The Delegation of Ireland has great faith in this body to make conclusive and comprehensive decisions on the current pressing issues."

Model UN, as it is colloquially called, has become the blood in my veins and the passion in my heart. More than debating on current issues and writing resolutions, Model UN has been instrumental in shaping my character as I have come to hold strong opinions on women's rights, human rights, and global development. Moreover, instead of "modeling" the real-life situations, I want to be part of reality and initiate change in the world.

Help, por favour.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 21, 2010   #7
Does the 'anaphora" (repition of "she told..." "her presense") work?

Yes :-)

This is not where to use a semi-colon... use a colon:
But ever since then, I've worked hard to sound like this fearless: "The Delegation of Ireland has great faith in this body to make conclusive and comprehensive decisions on the current pressing issues."

And I changes "sound like this" because it seemed wrong... a sentence I read does not sound like anything...

Model UN as it is colloquially called, has become the blood in my veins and the passion in my heart. --- this 'blood in my veins and passion in heart' thing is okay, but not great. ---- use a metaphor like this only when you can continue it as a theme. Otherwise it just seems like you groped around for some dramatic sounding words.

See if you agree with me about this...
has been instrumental in shaping my character as I have come to hold ....----- less is more.

:-)


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