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Common App - Influential Person (my dad)


answers: 2
Sep 20, 2009, 02:02pm   #
Hey Guys! I could really use some help with my essay. I don't know if i'm doing it right for the question.
Don't have a title either if you guys have suggestions

My dad has been called many things; a crook, a scammer or even a bum, but to me he is something different. To me he is an inspiration. Through all of his ups and downs he has shown me how I should not be and how I should not act. His life has not been perfect in anyway and he will be the first to admit it. He has been in jail for a good chunk of my life and he has taught me to use his mistakes as a way to grow as a person.
When he first came to the country he made sure to put my family first at whatever the cost. Before he brought my mom over he had rented an apartment and had a job ready for her. They soon had me and my sister and me. A few years after my birth he became friends with the wrong people but he did it to get us a better life. At the age of 6 he was arrested for smuggling in illegal substances from the Dominican Republic. Before he went in to a federal prison he made sure to leave us enough money to last us for a while because he didn't know when he would be back. He came back when I was 12. I was the first to see him when he returned. He apologized for not being there but he told me he now saw a man who had his eyes set on the future and wouldn't fall to the world's hardships. He told me he looked up to me and would try to make me proud to be his son.
As I am writing this he is screaming at me and my family through the door. He went drinking after a stressful day at work and returned a bit unwound. He came through the door and slammed a glass on the floor and began to yell about how he gave us everything but never gave anything to himself. I haven't cried since he first came back from jail but today I did. He looked at me and told me to not be like him and go to go for my dreams while I had the chance. I refuse to tell him this but I am like him. We both have dreams of helping out those we care for and are willing to do what must be done to achieve those dreams. I am proud of him and now I want to make him proud of me.

Any criticism is appreciated!

My dad has been called many things;: a crook, a scammer or andeven a bum, but to me, he is something different. To me, he is an inspiration. Through all of his ups and downs, he has shown me how who I should not be and how I should not act.

When he first came to the country, he made sure to put my

Before he brought my mom over, he had

re read and check your grammar.

Your words are very colloquial. Choose better diction to make your essay more vivid.

It's a good start (:

Read mine! http://www.essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/c ommon-app-scar-8050/
loserish:
At the age of 6 he was arrested for smuggling in illegal substances from the Dominican Republic.

^That's a pretty young smuggler.

You need to change the angle of your essay. Right now your essay basically tells me that you aren't going to become a drunk smuggler like your father was. That's not saying much for someone who is applying to college.
loserish:
He apologized for not being there but he told me he now saw a man who had his eyes set on the future and wouldn't fall to the world's hardships.

^Confusing.



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