This is the common app essay on a important person and their significance. Any and all comments are appreciated greatly. I don't really like my ending...any suggestions or thoughts?
Older sisters are never usually the individuals in the family that have an important part in raising children. Mine is. My older sister Candace has been my second mother for as long as I could remember. In some of my earliest memories, when I wasn't able to discuss with my parents on a certain issue, I was able to talk to my sister. When my parents were disappointed with me for not trying my best in any one of my endeavors, it was my older sister who was the one to be behind me. My older sister was always the one to believe in me when no one else would.
With much thanks to my older sister I am an individual who understands that hard work and determination can take anyone as far as they want to go. My sister is a person who has had an extremely great influence on me. My older sister has been the one to be my mentor out of the rest of my family members.
I have a considerably large family with twin older brother and older sister and a younger one. And being towards the youngest, my older sister made it her duty to be not just an older sister, but a mentor as well. The success and accomplishments that my older sister has garnered, has given me a first hand view of what dedication and the will to put in hours could lead to. My older sister was an All-American track star and an honors student. If it wasn't for her, I would not be half of the student, athlete or even individual that I am today. Throughout my life, there was always one and only one person in my family that has fought for me time and time and again. My sister.
I have been through many trials and tribulations and my sister has been there to aide me in all of them. My twin older brothers, older sister, and myself, all took karate lessons at the same time and place as each other. Out of the rest of my siblings, I was without a doubt the least gifted. My older brothers teased and ridiculed me for my poor performance in karate. However, it was my older sister, and only my older sister, that decided to take time off of her busy schedule to help me improve my abilities. This may seem to many as a simple gesture that any older sibling would do for a younger one, but my sister has never known that it was her taking her time off from karate that showed me various life lessons in the extra time we spent together.
I learned how perseverance, hard work, and courage could take any individual either close to or reach any of their goals. After a month of extra lessons, I received an upgrade in my belt color which represented a higher level of ability. To me right now, the difference between a white belt and a yellow belt isn't that big of a deal, but at the age of 7, it was the world.
It's funny how life can change so drastically in 10 years. My world 10 years ago was getting that yellow belt, then once I accomplished that, it was getting stripes on my belt. Now, my world is getting into _____________ University, and a cluster of various things that I look forward to in my future.
When you write a sentence like this, with the name as an "extra" phrase, you should use commas:
My older sister, Candace, has been my second mother for as long...
In some of my earliest memories, memories of times when I wasn't able to discuss with my parents on a certain issue, I was able to talk to my sister.
Let's omit the cliche and separate the two halves of the compound sentence with a comma:
I have been through many trials, and tribulations and my sister...----> Do you like it that way, without tribulations?
Excellent!! You are a really likable person. Your ending... I don't like it either. The ending should reflect on the main point of the essay. Can you somehow connect your sister's influence with your decision to apply to this school? At the end, write about the main idea of the whole essay!
:-)
