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Common App-Evaluate a significant experience; Your husband has been arrested by the police


hvnguyen1311 4 / 8  
Nov 29, 2012   #1
Challenges will sometimes come in your life. It could desperately let you down or an impetus would enhance you to the next ladder of success. Hence, it is more important to ahead towards new future instead of looking back to the awful past.

"Hello ! Your husband has been arrested by the police. He was accused of making some seriously mistaken decisions when managing the corporation." The police officer said to my mother. When I was only in grade 6th, I must get accustomed of the life without my father. My mom, brother and I were desperately so shocked and had to start everything from scratch within the innuendos, suspicions and even embarrassments. And I finally cried. The tears did keep on dropping on my faces at nights when being alone in my empty room. "How dreadfully everything has changed" I whispered to myself. Moreover I got some difficulties in school after these downcast news and became a more reserved boy who never wanted to share anything with anyone. Otherwise, my father was sentenced in a prison far away from my house for the investigation. Thus what I most wanted to do is just to wait for every Thursday when I could visit him. And once again I cried because of a handmade kite. He spent all times in prision making it for me. He knew this was my most coveted present during my childhood. "Don't be depressed, darling. You can not run away your fate, let's fight for it. Regarded what has happened as obstacles you may encounter in life and do your best to overcome. Like this kite, you should fly your dream higher and higher. And I believe you can do it !" "No one can acquire perfection. What I have done would be judged by the court. But I am definitely your beloved father who always looks forward to your brighter achievements." He slightly encouraged me. I couldn't speak anything but a promise that I would study hard.

Over 6 years, I become a stronger, wiser and more mature man who is willing to give helps to anyone or to share sorrows and joys. During that time, I made unceasing efforts to achieve my dream - to be a businessman. I went to school, met up my friends and tutors, worked for a part-time job as well as helped my mother do her housework. I always think that my father will be proud of me. Now it is just a few steps away from my promise on him that I can get admissions to an American university. Hence, by working hard, I believed that every insurmountable challenges could be overcome.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 1, 2012   #2
He wasis accused of making some seriously mistaken decisions when managing the corporation

... You are quoting what the Police said to your mother. So it should be in present tense because you are repeating the words of the Police.

When I was only in grade 6th , I musthad to get accustomed of theto a life without my father.

I guess it is better to reveal your age than the Grade you were studying, because that would have a better punch! : )
I would suggest;
At the age of xxxx I was forced to accustom to a life without a fatherly figure in my life.

My mom, brother and I were desperately so shocked and had to start everything from scratch within the innuendos, suspicions and even embarrassments.

My mom was taken by terrible shock and embarrassment. So did me and my brother.

I think you should pay attention to improve the clarity of your sentences. Use the most appropriate words, yet keep it simple and comprehensible to the reader!


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