Hey friends. This is my common app topic. Please give your reviews regarding this essay and help me edit it to 650 words. Thanks a lot :)
Esaay topic - Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?
The feeling had still not sunk in. It was a feeling of accomplishment and emerging victorious within myself. I had conquered my inner fear. It was inexpressible.
Childhood, I believe pertains to the happiness, and innocence of life. But as one grows one is shaped by what one sees. So as I was nurtured and made aware about the different things happening in the world, I was disturbed seeing the condition of women in Indian society from early civilization. Women are conditioned to accept a secondary role in the family. I was horrified reading about the prevalence of hypocritical rituals like female infanticide and polygamy. On one hand female deities are being worshipped and on the other women are being subjugated to unfair injustice, domestic confinement, and gender discrimination. I wanted to change this perception about woman in this "male dominated world".
I initially thought what could one person even do to change this perception. My family's reluctance always prevented me from doing anything on my own which made me doubt my own self-confidence and ability. But my mother, an independent woman, had told me something that got embedded in my head. She quoted Mother Teresa and said, "We all think that what we do is a drop in the ocean but the ocean is less without that single drop". Inspired by this thought, I was motivated to challenge myself for a trekking camp to Kunwari Pass organized by IAYP, a youth association.
I was overwhelmed with the feelings of nervousness and excitement. The coalescence of my emotions once prevented me from taking this step but yet again gave me thousand other reasons to go for it.
As I arrived at the camp, I felt out of place. Out of fifty applicants, only fifteen were female. It was an alien atmosphere devoid of luxuries. It was my first experience. The boys initially mocked me. But I simply accepted this tough and arduous challenge for the 450 million woman of the country.
We stood in files, ready to trek seventeen kilometers uphill. We were divided into groups of ten. I was selected as a group leader. I was scared but also determined and excited. It was the first time ever I shouldered a responsibility like this.
The valleys were intimidating and so were the mountains ahead. As we began trekking, the road started winding up and so did the gradient. On one side, there were tall coniferous trees and on the other there were snow-capped mountains. In the initial stages I was having difficulties coping up. But soon I pushed myself to keep up the tempo. I was the leader. I had to stay strong.
The heat, exertion, and fatigue discouraged my co-mates enough to give up, but when they looked at me taking the physical difficulties in my stride they started marching to a definite beat. Inspired by the story of "Bonaparte Crossing the Alps', I motivated my co- mates. Buoyed by my infectious enthusiasm and constant shouts of encouragement, they started believing in my leadership. They ignored their pain and we moved on with renewed faith and energy.
After six hours of arduous journey, our grit paid off. I too was tired but, the joy of accomplishment seeing the faces of my co-mates was like a balm on the aching muscles.
Being the youngest in my family , I was always pampered and kept in an over protective environment. Coming out of my comfort zone, I had challenged myself. This trip was not only my personal endeavour but it also brought about a dogged determination of raising the prestige of woman in the Indian society. The most immediate effect of this renewed faith in my abilities was 'Dimensions'- a collaborative effort with the woman folk in my colony. We spent considerable time and efforts making different articles in the aid of the underpriviliged.
The success of this event was not as important to me as my mother's smile on her face and the way she hugged me. The pride that she took narrating this tale of how I was "the single drop in the ocean" will always prompt me to continue my efforts in a positive manner. I know that the problem of women being maltreated in Indian society is not over, but I had done my little bit to make sure it will get over one day.
As I arrived at the camp, I felt out of place. Out of fifty applicants, only fifteen were female. It was an alien atmosphere devoid of luxuries. It was my first experience. The boys initially mocked me. But I simply accepted this tough and arduous challenge for the 450 million woman of the country.
- What camp is this and how does it relate to your conquering an idea or belief? What went on at this camp? You need to develop this idea further because right now, the camp story just came out of nowhere and your reader is officially lost as to its relevance in your essay.
Ayoni, while this essay is interesting since you presented a story that showed how you challenged a belief or idea about women in India, you forgot to mention and discuss the reasons as to why you will still make the same decision in the future. This will help establish the fact that you will continue to fight for your beliefs and that you are serious about solving a particular social problem.
Childhood, I believe pertains to the happiness, and innocence of life.
Remove comma after happiness
This essay is well over 650 words. If you have the essay on a Word document, the lower left corner will tell you how many words on the essay. I'll review again once you get the words down.
There are more areas for commas or semi colon and such. Why don't you scale down and then re post?
