Common App Essay Prompt #5 for Carnegie Mellon, RPI, & IIT

Option #5: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

I need your help with grammar; please give me all possible suggestions; don't worry about being a Grammar Nazi.

I am thinking of changing this essay to be more about my failures rather than my accomplishments and therefore being able to put it in prompt #2 instead.

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When I was five years old, I saw a TV show about FIRST Lego League that impacted the remainder of my life. Little did I know, I would be able to build with Legos long after those early years.

Robotics tournaments require members to multitask teamwork, research, robotic programming and the creation of an original scientific research project. I've had to research solutions to real world issues, from climate change to world hunger. This was an excellent addition to my homeschool curriculum.

I started in FLL on a rookie team when I was nine years old, not knowing anything about robots, public speaking, or teamwork. Although my group rarely succeeded, I learned how to work in a team environment by preparing with the other members to present the robot and research at the tournament.

Several years later, I started a home team; it consisted of me and two other neighborhood kids. By using my knowledge and experience from previous years, we won third place in the state for original solution and scientific topic.

The following year could've been as successful, but my team was too confident and we failed. By the time we realized what had been done wrong, it was too late. I was also preoccupied with my first year of high school. I then became too old to continue with the FIRST program.

However, instead of entering the next level of competitions, I decided to share my knowledge with aspiring FLL teams. I began teaching at local libraries, clubs, and children centers. I practiced everything that I had learned from being on a team by offering robotics, STEM, public speaking, presentation, and teamwork workshops for free. After much support from neighborhood parents, I started up a team as a mentor.

The preparation process was better than ever before. From interviewing scientists about the topic, to preforming county presentations through 4-H, my new team was starting to take shape. After several months, the members of the team were exhausted, but by the time the competition arrived they were the most prepared students in all of New Jersey. The kids excelled with their presentations, had selected an original scientific topic to research, and had excellent robot designs and trustworthy programming. The team came in at second place in all of New Jersey. Their scores were better than my most successful year, a feat I once thought impossible but now see how it's done.

While others consider research a tedious task, I find it extremely motivating. I make sure that I learn every topic to the best of my ability and I have FIRST to thank for instilling this desire to learn.

My greatest joy was their generous nomination in selecting me to receive the mentor of the year award. To my astonishment, I was awarded the title of the most prolific mentor in all of New Jersey by the FIRST Organization themselves. It's an honor revered by mentors from countless teams worldwide. I never expected that a trophy made by the Lego Corporation would be so significant in my life. Through FIRST I have learned team management skills that have improved my entire life and shaped my career to what it is now. FIRST has been an irreplaceable element in the development of my career.

When I was five years old, I saw a TV show on First Lego League that made a huge impact on my life later on.


Are these two paragraphs? Or just the same one? That's not clear to me. Also, the connection between the two also not so clear to me :(

I'm about to upload my newly revised edition, I apologize for any confusion.