Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4


"The city that makes me a human" - Common App Essay 2015


qwerty1234 1 / -  
Aug 14, 2014   #1
I know there will be a lot of grammatical mistakes, because it is my first draft. But I really want to check in with someone before I go on further with this idea. I have some ideas to improve such as strengthening the conclusion while putting less emphasis on the introductory parts. Please give any feedback!

---------------------------------------------------------

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

For me, the single most outstanding thing about Dubai is not its over-invested buildings and man-made island, but is instead the rain. The rain is a rare and peculiar visitor to this city. When it rolls in town, it serves as a reminder, or a wake-up call, to her residents. Not everything in Dubai is always bright and sunny.

This day, too, was a very rainy day - it was hard to discern between night and day. The bus was full of my Global Issues Network group members, who have sacrificed the most precious two days of the week to participate in a conference held in our neighboring city, Abu Dhabi. I do not know how they felt, but I had no high expectations for this trip. I was, indeed, the leader of the group who strive to solve global issues, but I was not confident. A bunch of high school-aged students coming together to solve the world's deepest-rooted problems! Sounds more like a new Avengers plot. We also lacked the urge to act. Dubai is the city where nothing bad ever steals the spotlights of the glamours. Without visualization, there would be no realization.

Without much of a determined heart, I was at the conference. There were two schools present and somewhat pitiful number of participants. "Great, way to add the salt to the wound," I would remark bitterly. Presentations and activities, about transforming into a green school, and expressing woman's right through dance choreography. None of them spoke to me, as I could not relate to them. They were very impressive, and I have to give credit for that. Everyone was passionate. Everyone was inspired. Everyone was ready to act. I felt none of the above.

At this point I started to question my validity as a human being and associated myself as more of a heartless "thing". I was about to give up. As I started to lose confidence of my fit in the conference, I felt uneasy and anxious. Last schedule of the night was approaching and I was ready to be finished. But this last visit was special compared to the other venues. We visited a labor camp for dinner and workshop, a very rare opportunity. This event was the one that finally spoke to me, because this was most definitely within my interest. My desire may be called childish and improbable, but I genuinely wish for everyone in Dubai to enjoy this wonderful environment as much as I do. I was passionate, I was inspired, and I was ready to act

The human right violation and condition of the camp were more horrible than I have heard before. Seeing it so closely, I could feel the melancholic and downcast vibe throughout. To cheer the whole camp up, we set up our buffet catering, brought out some of our sport equipment for a quick match, and initiated many ice-breaker games. However, this atmosphere acted on me, and I felt extremely uncomfortable to approach any of the workers. I felt weak in front of what seemed like a fault of the city that I have been exposed to.

I mustered up enough courage to speak to a lady named Sarah. However, it was not much of a conversation for me. A very one-sided "thank you" was what I got. Her gratitude, and the way we were able to make her and her friends' days better, made me feel - more than anything - accomplished.

With this, I could leave this conference on a happy note. "I have made my fellow Dubaian's day happy" is a result I could be extremely pleased with. Even in an enchanting city such as Dubai, there is always the gloomy rain. Yet, in that day, I made a difference. Many a little makes a mickle; I made a little step to make the people under Dubai's sun brighter.
supreeth97 4 / 8 1  
Aug 17, 2014   #2
One thing I noted throughout was the use of distasteful grammar, i.e. trite or inappropriate words, phrases, and cliches found in your paper, but I must commend your use of transitions. Your usage of transitional phrases is above average. Without transitional phrases, a text will often seem disorganized and will most likely be difficult to understand. Your usage of sophisticated words is on par with other well-written papers!

Grade: 81* -> B
*based on college grading scale
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Sep 2, 2014   #3
For me, the single most outstanding thing about Dubai is not its over-invested buildings and man-made island, but is instead the rain. The rain is a rare and peculiar visitor to this city. When it rolls in town, it serves as a reminder, or a wake-up call, to her residents. Not everything in Dubai is always bright and sunny.

The prompt requires you to write a central story related to your identity. I saw you do attempt to answer it, unfortunately it looks Dubai city's story instead of your identity.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 2, 2014   #4
Dubai can actually be of help to you in responding to the prompt of this essay. Talk about how you grew up in Dubai and have been heavily influenced by the culture and traditions that are uniquely Dubai. The idea here is to present yourself as the embodiment of the city and its human representation to the world. Discuss certain beliefs, customs, traditions, or something similar that only occurs in Dubai. Then explain that you believe those traits as you imbibed them from the living city and its resident, makes you special. Mention how without these traits, you would just be another person in the world, instead of a unique individual who looks towards the future, just like the city that you love the most. I believe that once you accomplish these tasks, you will have presented the admissions officer with a unique and engaging essay that describes a story that is central to your identity :-)


Home / Undergraduate / "The city that makes me a human" - Common App Essay 2015
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳