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why did you choose to work while in high school? - OSU essay Help


answers: 4
Nov 7, 2009, 09:20pm   #1
I looking for suggestion about the essays below. please comment

If you listed work experience, why did you choose to work while in high school?

The committees and athletics at my high school encourage students who share a common interest to work together. However, students have a difficult time getting real world experience through these committees and athletics. Being apart of a work force at Panera Bread seemed like an ideal place to work and to get real world experience. Knowing a few people at Panera Bread convinced me that I wanted to experience what there were experiencing. The work force was cheerful and considerate, and I knew I wanted to be a part of that. Thus, I wanted to work at a place where I felt comfortable with my surroundings. I sought to work because I wanted to be apart of team whose goal was to help people.
The other reason for being a part of the work force at Panera is the flow of income from the employment. I was in need of a job for many reasons besides just wanting money. I wanted to become more independent by buying miscellanies item that parent normally paid for. Also, the money that I made helped to pay for tennis lessons and I will need the money to pay for school supplies and food in college.

Consider your talents and strengths, academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do really well?

Ever since I was young, I have enjoyed mathematic because I established it as fascinating and pleasurable. When I become a part of the Hudson City School as a freshman, I was offered to take the normal math classes or take an advanced route. This meant I would be skipping Geometry which I had no formal understanding of and go directly to Advance Algebra. I have always loved math and was never really challenged before high school and this was the perfect opportunity to start. Then for the rest of my high school including this year, I been trying to push myself to take as many AP mathematics classes as possible.
Another subject I am really fond of is science, a subject which I considered very black and white. Science is cause and effect subject, plain and simple, but this does not indicate that physics and other areas of science are simple. Science is another subject in which I have challenged myself. I sought to take the advanced route, just like math and this year I am taking AP Physics at Hudson High School. Ever since I was young I have had a love of mathematics and science.

Why are you considering The Ohio State University?

Tradition is an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior says Webster. I would like to continue that tradition by going to The Ohio State University. I have had two generation of family that have that have been accepted and have gone to Ohio State. My mother's grandfather and grandmother both attended Ohio State University and all of its glory. Then my mother's parent both went to Ohio State University where they meet and married. I would like to be a part of that tradition and experience what my ancestor experienced. And when I come back, the oval will still be that same when I last saw it.
Beside tradition, I plan to take full advantage of the academic opportunities that the University offers. Ohio State offer over 160 major which means that I will be able to pick the classes that fits my academic interests. I plan on entering to enrich my academic experience at The Ohio State University by entering the Honors Engineering program. I believe I will be able to reach my academic potential at The Ohio State University.
Since the campus and the university have given me all of these opportunities to express myself, I feel I have a responsibility as a student to return the favor by helping with research and volunteering around campus grounds. It would be honor to be apart of a team that facilitate the needs of the student body.
I find the location of The Ohio State Campus has numerous actives and restaurants while not being too far from home. When I need to appear home for the weekend, I will have the luxury of not traveling very far unlike an out state school where the drive would be at least five to six hours. Also, the university offers many restaurants on and off campus in addition to the humongous libraries. I want to be a part of healthy academic environment that offers so much to the students and all that can be found at The Ohio State University.

Nov 8, 2009, 01:17am   #2
attention to your 1st sentence in the 3rd essay
and i think you may develop the 2nd essay by focusing on "do well", like how you do well? how well you do? it seems a little empty````but those are my personal opinion...


good luck!
I think all of this should be cut: The committees and ... world experience. Knowing a few people at Panera Bread convinced me that I wanted to experience what there were experiencing. And I think you should start with this:
The work force at Panera Bread was cheerful and considerate, and I knew I wanted...

I think that would be a great first sentence. All the stuff that comes before it is sort of insubstantial!

I wanted to become more independent by buying miscellaneous items that my parents normally paid for.


Ever since I was young, I have enjoyed mathematic because it was established in my mind as fascinating and pleasurable.

Then, my mother's parents both went to Ohio State University where they met and became engaged.
Nov 8, 2009, 09:55pm   #4
I appreciate your comments and will take them into consideration. i will have a revised draft up soon.
Nov 8, 2009, 11:03pm   #5
Here are a couple more thoughts for you:

First Essay
kuds:
Being apart of a work force at Panera Bread seemed like an ideal place to work and to get real world experience.

This sentence gets a little awkward. First, it should be a part. Being a part of a work force? Being a part of the work force? Being a part of the staff? Perhaps you could just say, Working at Panera Bread ... The awkwardness is, in part, because of this beginning. If you take out the stuff in the middle, what you are really saying is, "Being a part of a work force seemed like an ideal place to work." How about simply: Working at Panera Bread was the ideal way to get real-world experience.

kuds:
Knowing a few people at Panera Bread convinced me that I wanted to experience what there were experiencing.

what they were experiencing. With a limited word count, you won't want to use two forms of "experience" in the same sentence. Mix it up.

kuds:
I wanted to be apart

Again, "apart" needs to be two words. A piece of pie, a part of a team.

This essay doesn't necessarily put you in a good light. It doesn't put you in a bad light either, but you could use it to highlight some of your attributes. Personally, I don't see Panera Bread as being a place that really helps people. I know, I know--people *need* their coffee and bagels, but the restaurant industry isn't normally associated with helping people. You can reword your desire for money in a way that is a little less specific but puts you in a better light. Why not just say that you wanted to take more responsibility for your expenditures and to be able to save for college expenses? The admissions staff doesn't need the impression that the only expense you will be responsible for is school supplies and food. Talk a little bit more about learning responsibility, teamwork, and how to take direction and less about being comfortable because all of your friends worked in the same place.



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