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'Chicken fried rice' - family culture, environment, etc. influenced you?


CarrieC92 6 / 16  
Oct 7, 2009   #1
Hello! I just finished this essay for University of Central Florida and just wanted to submit this on here to see if anyone has any suggestions. It's always good to have someone who doesn't know me look at it.

The prompt is "How has your family history, culture, or environment influenced who you are?"
The word limit is 250, and my essay is 249.

The smell of chicken fried rice, chopped green onions, and teriyaki chicken waft in the air. I hear the clang of the rhythmic banging of the spatula against the wok and the roar of the fire. I pause to savor the warm, familiar feeling of home. Suddenly, a repetitive, electronic beeping brings me back to the bustling present as my dad shouts, "There's a car in the drive-thru!" Back to work.

Food is the central pull that brings families together, and for my family, that is no exception. In fact, my family's life is centered on food. Just this year we celebrated our twentieth anniversary of our family restaurant's opening, a stupendous achievement. My father immigrated to America from China in 1983, and soon after, my grandparents and mother followed. Starting a restaurant was their foundation in the beginning of achieving the American Dream.

Upon this foundation is the start of my own American Dream. My parents remind me daily that in the end, hard work prevails. They serve as an inspiration for me to push harder, to try and achieve the best that I can accomplish. They worked the hardest to provide me with the privileges I have today.

So as I hustle over to silence the beeping and say, "Can I help you?" into the drive-thru microphone, I bear in mind that life's greatest achievements do not come easy. I too will have to persevere to build upon the foundation my family has set out for me.
hyungjiny 1 / 3  
Oct 7, 2009   #2
overall good essay

in my opinion this sentence is kind of awkward
"Food is the central pull that brings families together, and for my family, that is no exception."
it needs better word choice

"They worked the hardest to provide me with the privileges I have today"
I think you meant to say they worked "their" hardest

but I think its a good essay
try reading it slowly and out loud
it will help out a lot
jiggysmalls 2 / 3  
Oct 27, 2009   #3
I really liked your essay. It was unique, fun, and interesting. It started off well and instantly grabbed my attention. I'm doing the same topic for my personal statement and you seemed to nail it! You really focused on answering the question and I'm sure this is just the type of response they're looking because you made it personal and truly about yourself. Good Luck!!


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