once again im back=]]
please tell me if this even makes sense to the topic. and if i should get rid of any of the paragraphs. THANK YOU AGAIN!
this is my UF essay i feel that it is an extremely baby formatted essay ? do you feel the same way?
p.s i got in UCF thank you for all your help!
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
A Cheerleader - known as a snobby girl who is usually self-centered and typically not intelligent.
As a cheerleader I can defend the overuse cliché of what being a cheerleader really is. A cheerleader is someone who is determined to succeed, someone who is school spirited, and someone who is underestimated in almost anything they do.
Cheerleading is the sport I love and the sport that has driven me to be successful in life. I have proven the expectations of many wrong. I am currently the Vice President of Student council to one of the best comprehensive high schools in Florida, I have lead over 250 teenage volunteers to helping find a cure for breast cancer, and I am ranked in the 20th percentile of my senior class, and I am a cheerleader!
Over the past eight years I have spent 5 days a week in a gym that most would consider a "joke". However, the constant reprimands and high expectations from coaches and team members has taught me how deal with failure. My coaches have made it clear to me that if one is determined, one will succeed. These last eight years have all been pivotal moments in my life and have helped me mature greatly.
My will to succeed was tested in my junior year. During a practice I landed wrong and ended up in the hospital with a torn ACL. The morning of my surgery a lady in a Dr. Seuss nurse scrub came to my bed and introduced herself as an anesthesiologist. This in reality meant nothing to me. She began asking me questions such as what I was allergic to and if I had ever had surgery before. I soon became fascinated. I began asking her questions instead of answering the ones she was asking me. I learned that being an anesthesiologist was someone who anesthetizes a person prior to surgery, in order to reduce the pain. From the moment this woman began to talk I felt a sense of passion of what I soon wanted to become.
After 6 months of daily physical therapy and after proving to myself and to my team members that I had more strength than I did prior to my injury, I brought more unity to our team. Our perseverance pushed us to become the best we could be as a whole. This sense of friendship lead us to be ranked 8th in the nation. Growing up as a cheerleader I know I can accomplish anything I aspire to do; the scars on my knee are constant reminders of my determination to succeed, determination that can only contribute to my future and to the University Of Florida.
A Cheerleader- one who never gives up no matter how near or far the end may seem, one who is not afraid, and one who pursues what they believe in, the one who will succeed.
Good evening.
Mechanically, make sure that you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences, and that your punctuation is always enclosed in punctuation marks when using them. Avoid using the pronoun "you" as it is inappropriate in formal academic writing; instead, trying using "I" or "one." When using numbers, the general rule is that if it is ten or under, write the number out; if it is 11 or over, use the numerals. Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing as well; it is inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use.
In regards to content, you've got good reasons in the essay, but they need to be associated more closely with the UF campus and community. How will you use these positive characteristics to contribute to this institution? Also, your closing is very nice.
Keep up the good work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Congratulations!
A few things on this piece. First, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. As such, "Vice President" and "State" shouldn't be capitalized.
Make sure your punctuation is always included inside your quotation marks. For instance, "joke". should be "joke."
Please see your previous posts as to the treatment of numerals in writing.
Nice opening and closing. Good work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
I guess I am missing something here because I thought the main purpose of the essay was not to simply look back on your past but also to develop an important plan for your future as a student at the university. With that in mind, I expected to read something about your high school accomplishments as a cheerleader and then read a specific example regarding how you will apply those accomplishments in college. Perhaps by representing your department in the student government? Leading school spirit activities? Joining a specific sorority house? Or maybe even volunteering to help fellow cheerleaders who are failing in their classes. I just wanted to read something that showed me an idea of what your plans were for the duration of your college stay based upon your past experiences. It seemed like this essay was asking for that kind of information. Like I said, I could be wrong.but the essay prompt did as you to tell the reader/ admission officer;
how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
, I thought I would see that sort of connection. Right now, the connection, in my point of view, is very weak.
