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Changing Community (a problem of perception)


tkkt1 11 / 47  
Sep 8, 2009   #1
If you could change one thing about your community, what would it be and why?
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*I haven't quite finished the conclusion. I'm looking to clean it up and make sure that its not too cluttered. Thanks for your input!

The greatest and most pressing issue in my community is not related to curing diseases, combating hunger, reducing global-warming or eliminating crime. My community faces a problem of perception. From the outside looking in, San Jose High Academy seems like any other troubled urban public school-an institution riddled with substandard test scores, disadvantaged students, and rundown facilities. But within the school of less than 1,000 students, teachers and students have worked to develop a sense of community that is both supportive and academic. My school is only hindered by ugly rumors that mar our reputation. I wish to bring change to my school by showing that it is the educational heart of the community.

San Jose High Academy's pride and spirit are obscured by discouraging statistics and inconsequential facts/numbers. Only 15% of adults in the San Jose Unified School district have college degrees compared to the state average of 32%. The state has been monitoring my school's curriculum for (X amount) years. People glance over San Jose High Academy because they just take a look at the empty numbers; as a result, they fail to seize the opportunity of contributing to our achievements that have gone leaps and bounds. As the second oldest school in California, San Jose High Academy has achieved many successes. This year, we have raised our standardized test scores by (X amount) - enough to once again be independent and out of state control. But facts and figures do not define the essence of this small community- the students do.

Inside the walls of the classroom,does not lie a group of undisciplined teenagers. There lie young adults with hope filled endeavors that can potentially improve the other people's lives or even the world. These aspirations may later provide counsel or shape public policies on issues of direct relevance to us one day. My friends, classmates, and I believe in great ambition because we are from a community that has demonstrated great success in taking risks. In 1985, a federal judge ordered involuntary desegregation in what was known then as the Mexican Unified School District, which not only resulted in creating an International Baccalaureate program at San Jose High Academy but in developing the pulsating diversity of my school now.

My community has encountered countless trials and tribulations, but in the face of adversity, students and teachers have united and transcended differences. We have overcome difficult hurdles as we gained pride and confidence in our community.
eternal flame 6 / 18  
Sep 9, 2009   #2
I think your first sentence is redundant. Save space for more vivid details that you can write about. And please put less statistics, or at least make the number more interesting. I felt completely lost when reading your figures. Trust me, having gone through AP statistics classes, I know how boring statistics can be.


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