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To challenge oneself and take risks, common application/reasons for transferring


answers: 2
Mar 12, 2010, 03:11am   #
Hello. This is JD.

Could you please look over my essay about reasons for transferring? Please, this may seem a lot, but I truly appreciate it if you read over them.

I have two versions. Please tell me which one is better, and please correct my grammar.

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

version 1.

I want to learn in an environment where a student is not bounded by a "course curriculum" and is encouraged to challenge oneself and take risks.

One day, I went to see a professor because I had a new idea for the community service project. However, I was turned down and told to stick with the course curriculum. He told me when the curriculum is done, and then I can do my project.

In everything I do, I try to go beyond and take risks. However, the atmosphere here is contrary to what I believe: adequate. Many students here are complacent. They work hard, but they don't go beyond just adequate amount. So far, all the students I have asked said they rather choose a safe option than a risky one. To my friends, most of the advice that I give is, "go for it." But When I ask for advice over here, I usually get, "why are you trying to make your life harder?" Even professors share similar qualities.

The University of Iowa is a great school, but it doesn't fit with my character. I want to be at the environment where a student's idea is respected and encouraged to proceed whether it is under a course curriculum or not. I want to be at the environment where a student is advised to take risks and try new things, not the safe path. In an institution like that, I could try new ideas without concerns, give and get advice that enriches other peers and me. I believe there is an institution out there that truly practices this idea.

Version 2.

I want to learn in an environment where a student is not bounded by a "course curriculum" and is surrounded by infinite possibility.

One day, I went to see a professor because I had a new idea for the community service project. However, I was turned down and told to stick with the course curriculum. He told me when the curriculum is done, and then I can do my project.

I realized people's potentials are usually bounded by their surrounding environments, except a few rare cases. For example, I had a friend who goes to a local gym. The heaviest dumbbells in that gym were sixty-five pounds. I know he can lift more than sixty-five pounds, but to him, sixty-five pounds was the maximum because that's all he can see.

I exercised in the same gym, but I decided to move to another gym where it had dumbbells that weigh more than hundred pounds. So I challenged myself and lifted the weights beyond sixty-five pound dumbbells. Later, sixty-five pound dumbbells became a warm-up for me. However, when I went back to the old local gym, I found myself warming up with forty-five pound dumbbells and treating the sixty-five pound dumbbells as my maximum. Suddenly, I wondered if human potentials are bounded by environments. One could object there are historical figures that have risen up despite their surroundings, but Russell Crowe indeed moved to Hollywood to become an Oscar-winning actor, not in other country.

The University of Iowa is a great school, but it doesn't fit with my character. I want to be at an environment where a student's idea is respected and encouraged to proceed whether it is under a course curriculum or not, an environment where students can exploit their potentials without boundaries. In an institution like that, I could try new ideas without concerns, give and get advice that challenges each other's potential. I believe there is an institution out there that truly practices this idea.


Thank you.

Hey,

Here are a few points that may be helpful.

-USFBullie

Version 1

"One day, I went to see a professor because I had a new idea for the community service project."

As a reader, I am curious as to what project. Introduce the project or change the sentence to say "...new idea for A community service project."


"He told me when the curriculum is done, and then I can do my project."
I would reword this sentence because it is not clear. Perhaps... Once the curriculum was completed, the instructor informed me that I could do my project.


Provide an introduction for the reader to understand which University you currently attend and the school to which this essay is intended. Also, include what the service project is and what is it for.

Version 2

"One could object there are historical figures that have risen up despite their surroundings, but Russell Crowe indeed moved to Hollywood to become an Oscar-winning actor, not in other country."

The end of the sentence does not flow.
Version 2.

I want to learn in an environment where a student is not bounded by a "course curriculum" and is surrounded by infinite possibility.

One day, I went to see a professor because I had a new idea for the community service project. However, I was turned down and told to stick with the course curriculum. He told me when the curriculum is done, and then I can do my project. He told me that i could execute my project when the curriculum has been completed.
I realized people's potentials are usually bounded by their surrounding environments, except a few rare cases. For example, I had a friend who goes to a local gym. The heaviest dumbbells in that gym were sixty-five pounds. I know he can lift more than sixty-five pounds, but to him, sixty-five pounds was the maximum because that's all he can see. -using was with can is wrong-two different tenses. you can use was with could or change was to is and use it with can

I exercised in the same gym, but I decided to move to another gym where it had dumbbells that weigh more than hundred pounds that had dumbells which weighed more than a hundred pounds. So I challenged myself and lifted the weights beyond sixty-five pound dumbbells. Later, sixty-five pound dumbbells became a warm-up for me. However, when I went back to the old local gym, I found myself warming up with forty-five pound dumbbells and treating the sixty-five pound dumbbells as my maximum. Suddenly, I wondered if human potentials are bounded by environments. One could object there are historical figures that have risen up despite their surroundings, but Russell Crowe indeed moved to Hollywood to become an Oscar-winning actor, not in other country.

The University of Iowa is a great school, but it doesn't fit with my character. I want to be at an environment where a student's idea is respected and encouraged to proceed whether it is under a course curriculum or not, an environment where students can exploit their potentials without boundaries. In an institution like that, I could try new ideas without concerns, give and get advice that challenges each other's potential. I believe there is an institution out there that truly practices this idea.

i get the general idea you are trying to convey and i think you can do it in a better way. i think the first version is better than the second because you gave examples pertaining to the school and not the outside world.
Goodluck



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