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'My Carnival Prize' - interests and learning materials


answers: 2
Dec 28, 2011, 09:54pm   #
Write a brief essay (250 words maximum each question) in which you respond to the following questions. (freshman applicants only):

Tell us something about yourself or your interests that we wouldn't learn by looking at the rest of your application materials. (While you should still pay attention to sentence structure and grammar, your response is meant as a way for us to get to know you, rather than a formal essay.)


My Carnival Prize (is this a good title?)


The goldfish slowly wafted in the water instead of swimming around and I wondered if this was normal. I carefully examined its plain, orange gill, watching for signs of shallow breath. This delicate creature was the only prize I won from the carnival and I treasured it.
I re-homed it into a shallow bowl and filled it with water as soon as I got home. I dropped tiny pieces of bread into the water and watched as it gobbled up the pieces. That was when my researching began.
I immediately bought it some real goldfish food and when the pet store owner told me that tap water had to be neutralized with conditioner, I bought a bottle of that too. Over the next few weeks, I added pebbles and leaves into the bowl to make it more comfortable for my new pet. One day, I decided that "Jelly" needed a friend, and so I went to the pet store to seek him one. This was the beginning of my marine biology hobby.
Now I have 4 fish tanks and as much as 160 fishes at once. I've owned and even bred goldfish, koi, mollies, guppies, platys, cichlids, eels, tetras, Siamese fighting fish, shrimps, snails, crabs, and so on. Like the aquarium geek I am, I know all about pH ranges, water hardness, and suitable temperatures for fish.
From this experience I've learned that sometimes interests grow out of the most unexpected things. I'm willing to try anything because I would like to discover where my next passion lies. Who would have thought that this plain, orange fish I won at a carnival would have made such an impact in who I am.

Hi! an interesting essay!
a few suggestions here:

I re-homed it into a shallow bowl and filled it with water as soon as I got home. I dropped tiny pieces of bread into the water and watched as it gobbled up the pieces. That was when my researching began.
I immediately bought it some real goldfish food and when the pet store owner told me that tap water had to be neutralized with conditioner, I bought a bottle of that too. Over the next few weeks, I added pebbles and leaves into the bowl to make it more comfortable for my new pet. One day, I decided that "Jelly" needed a friend, and so I went to the pet store to seek him one. This was the beginning of my marine biology hobby.

I think this paragraph contains too many "I did this and that" ??
Maybe, if you restructure the sentences, it would be more engaging =)

And maybe you might consider putting semicolons here: I've owned and even bred goldfish, koi, mollies, guppies, platys, cichlids, eels, tetras, Siamese fighting fish, shrimps, snails, crabs, and so on.
??

I'm willing to try anything because I would like to discover where my next passion lies. Who would have thought that this plain, orange fish I won at a carnival would have made such an impact in on who I am.

I hope this helps =)

Overall, a very good essay!
good luck!

And pls help with my essay if you have time =)
thanks
Dec 28, 2011, 10:50pm   #
this is good. interesting activity! interms of content you could mention something about what you have learnt form it and how it has helped you. You could say how your approach to certain things changed or something. if you can get a little more across about your character it would be really help you essay.
I would appreciate it you could take a look at mine!



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