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Carnegie Mellon Supplement Essay- "The Magic of Moving Objects"


answers: 7
Dec 29, 2008, 10:41pm   #
Prompt:Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

REMOVED



I feel this is a rather weak essay...
I know it is a long essay and I would appreciated any suggestions. Also, I slightly went over the 1 page limit, what should I cut out? Thank you!

Dec 30, 2008, 05:41am   #
Hey! :)
Since you read my huge Carnegie Mellon essay, I'll try to help you out on yours :D
Let's see...

You have some awkward sentences in your introduction that can be reworded.
For example:

"My first encounter with a robot when I was 11 years old reinforced my decision to become an engineer."
In my first encounter with a robot, my decision to become an engineer was only reaffirmed.

It's only my opinion, but I don't believe that the eleven years old is necessary because you started the paragraph saying "from a young age." I also think that the phrase "a robot" seems kind of vague and awkward. I don't know what to do with it...but yeah.

"The robot awestruck me with its barrier evading abilities which I soon learned was a result of simple programming and ultra sonic sensors. Little by little my interest in robotics grew while I learn more about it online."
The robot's barrier evading abilities, put me in awe. Desiring to learn more about the robots function, my interest in robotics gradually developed as I learned more about it online.
The information about the "simple programming and ultra sonic sensors" is unnecessary because through your online research, it is obvious that you learned more about its functions.

The rest of the essay seems to be good overall. As you have noticed in my own essay, I approached the topic with more focus on my intended major and colleges. I did this because I did not want to simply tell them information about themselves. I focused the essay on myself, in order to better reflect my personality instead of their own as a university. Although I do think the prompt asks for why we chose to apply, I think that it is important to concentrate on revealing your personality. Anyways, that's just my take on the task and my opinion! I hope my advice helped..maybe? Haha.

It's nice to see someone who is also interested in the same majors as I am. Hopefully we'll see each other there...Maybe. It's so damn expensive.

PS: Your twelve page design thing seems really awesome!
Dec 30, 2008, 05:57am   #
Hey!
Thank you so much for commenting on my essay. It helped a lot!

I use the robot example because is the result of electrical and computer engineering and computer science (along with mechanical engineering).

The reason I put so much info about the colleges I'm interested at CMU is because of this:

"Thanks for your email to the Carnegie Mellon University Office of Admission.

The exact phrase on the application is "explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s)."

You should concentrate on why you are interested in the particular program you have applied to and specifically why you are interested in that program at Carnegie Mellon. If you are applying to multiple programs, please address each program with a separate paragraph in the essay.

Best regards from Carnegie Mellon's Office of Admission."

Good luck! Hope to see you at CMU! I haven't even check the price...I'm going to be in so much debt after I graduate lol.
Dec 30, 2008, 06:33am   #
Aw crap. Now I have to refocus my essay.

And I think your robot example was fine. It was just the word "a robot" seemed a little vague and impersonal. But reading it over, I think it's fine.

I don't know where you live, but it's 7:32 AM here, and I'm going to sleep. :)
Thanks for showing me the email from CMU!
Dec 30, 2008, 04:34pm   #
Here is my revised version. Still a bit too long! I appreciate ANY suggestions that you might have. Thank you!

From a young age, I have been captivated by the magic of animated objects both virtually and in real life. My captivation with animated objects coupled with my innate ability to take anything apart ultimately sparked my interest in engineering. In my first encounter with a robot, my decision to become an engineer was only reaffirmed. The robot's barrier evading abilities put me in awe. Desiring to learn more about robots, my interest in robotics gradually developed as I learned more about it online. Little by little my interest in robotics grew while I learn more about it online. Within a month, I had drew a twelve page detailed design for my ideal consumer robot that was integrated with a volumetric display that I mistakenly called a hologram at that time. As I was on my quest to make my dream into a reality, I encountered a problem: my trial and error engineering knowledge would not have helped any on this complex project. Today my desire to be an engineer and a programmer is not only because I want to find the solution to the problems in my design, but also because of a strong belief that robots will become the computers of tomorrow and that innovative engineering and programming can change the world for the better.
After looking through many universities and the various programs each offer, I have no doubt that Carnegie Mellon university is best institution for me. Carnegie Mellon's diverse student body is what first caught my attention. By working with a diverse group of students, I can learn the different points of views and solutions to engineering problems, which will broaden my horizon and allow me to think more creatively. Also interacting with students of different cultural background will allow me to improve my social skills which will better prepare me for the future. Furthermore, Carnegie Mellon allows its student to pursuit two undergraduate degrees. This means that I can pursuit an electrical and computer engineering degree at the Carnegie Institution of Technology and a computer science degree or a robotics minor at the School of Computer Science since they are where my primary interest lies. Both of these schools offer what I am looking for: a rigorous curriculum taught by innovative professors and a hands on approach to learning.
CIT not only offers an excellent engineering curriculum, but also helps students develop leadership and management skills, which is crucial to any successful engineer. It is my intention to utilize the resources available at CIT which is why I find the honors research program that CIT offers really attractive. It will allow me to work in close proximity with a Carnegie Mellon professor in first-class research facility during my senior year. The experience and knowledge I gain from this experience will surely benefit me, especially if I decided to apply the IMB program that CIT offers. The IMB program will allow me to directly obtain my masters in ECE without the need to apply for graduate school.
The School of Computer Science has been a pioneer in computer science. It is my desire to contribute to and learn from the innovation thinking at the School of Computer Science and develop a ground-breaking artificial intelligence program. The research topics offered at this School such as the Cognitive Robotics on the Sony AIBO will help me achieve this ambition. Also the school of Computer Science offers similar advantages like the ones CIT offers such as the fifth year masters program and the BS Computer Science & MBA 3/2 program. This means if I have a change of plans and would like to focus on one subject, I will still have many options.
Whether I decide to work the industry or perform research on the subject that I am interested in, I believe Carnegie Mellon can provide me with the excellent education and experience I need to succeed.
Dec 30, 2008, 05:46pm   #
"Desiring to learn more about robots, my interest in robotics gradually developed as I learned more about it online. Little by little my interest in robotics grew while I learn more about it online."
You forgot to erase the second sentence. I also just realized that the sentence I revised was wrong because it makes it seem like your interest in robotics desires to learn more about robotics. It's supposed to be:
Desiring to learn more about robotics, I gradually developed my interest in robotics through online research
Or something like that. The "I" must come after the comma because..that's just correct grammar. Silly meee. :)
. Little by little my interest in robotics grew while I learned more about it.

Within a month, I had drawn a twelve page detailed design for my ideal consumer robot that was integrated with a volumetric display that I mistakenly called a hologram at that time.

After looking through the brochures of many universities and the various programs each offers, I have no doubt that Carnegie Mellon University is the best institution for me.

Also, interacting with students of different cultural backgrounds will allow me to improve my social skills which will better prepare me for the future.

Furthermore, Carnegie Mellon allows its students to pursue two undergraduate degrees.

This means that I can pursue an electrical and computer engineering degree at the Carnegie Institution of Technology and a computer science degree or a robotics minor at the School of Computer Science since they are where my primary interests lie.

The experience and knowledge I gain from this, will surely benefit me, especially if I decided to apply to the IMB program that CIT offers.

This means that if I have a change of plans and would like to focus on one subject, I will still have many options.


Whether I decide to work in the industry or perform research on the subject that I am interested in, I believe Carnegie Mellon can provide me with the excellent education and experience I need to succeed.

:)



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