The first thing I noticed while reading your essay is that it's week grammatically. I will try to point out the awkward phrases. I find that reading the essay out loud can really help make it flow smother.
Completing college and searching a
school to transfer, I have realized that finding an appropriate match school
both academically and socially is not an easy task. While college offers lower-division major courses, university
has a variety of majors and professional fields to qualify
students' career goal. The same thing applies to my situation
; my career goal is to become a Pediatrician which I have to complete a challenged path
. Therefore, I always have to look
for a reputable school that can make a difference in my academic and social life.
* "searching for a"
* several ways you can go here, "appropriately matched school" "an appropriate match"
* don't forget your "a"
* "qualify"doesn't seem like quite the right word...
*this essay is about you, you shouldn't have to remind the reader that it's your situation you're talking about
* this doesn't quite make sense to me
*maybe substitute something like "I searched/looked for"
In the academy
, I am seeking a school that can give me the most academic
preparation for my career goal. Also, I look for a school that provides students with supporting services such as full
communication between students and instructors, research
and internships for every possible major so that they can complete the academic plan successfully and develop potential skills. No matter how hard it is, I want to achieve as many as accomplishments
while I am still in school. Knowledge will never end
; thus, I would like to gain knowledge not only in my main major chemistry but also many other fundamental science majors
. Transferring is the only way that I can broaden my learning and prepare myself step-by-step
before entering medical school.
* this may or may not apply, depending on the school you're applying to, but What academy?
* If you keep the previous "academy" then you risk sounding too repetitive with "academic"
* "full" isn't the word I would use there, maybe "open" "easy" "informal" ...
* this is a run on sentence, it's easily fixed by placing a "as well as" in front of the "research"
* "as many accomplishments" as what? finish the thought
* I know what you're trying to say here, but it's a little awkward... it could be just me though
* only science majors, or the humanities as well?
* "step-by-step" doesn't seem necessary in this sentenceSocially
, I would like to place myself into a new social
environment so that I can be more confident. One of my disadvantages is shyness; it is too
hard for me to express myself and confidently tell my own ideas
. That is one of the reasons why I feel so isolated among other students. I hope that an excellent school socially can cheer me to participate in social clubs and organizations
, which will give me some chance to adopt and join in a different atmosphere. That would be an opportunity for students to express themselves and improve communication. I hope to become a new
open-minded person when transferring a best-suited school
* repetition of socially takes away from the pacing
* cut out the "too" it makes your shyness seem more crippling than it actually is
* this is a little wordy
* this is dangerous because it implies that you will rely on the school to drag you into a social circle instead of making choices that would put you in the middle of the action
* this implies that something is fundamentally wrong with the way you are now. Don't focus on that. Sell yourself!
* this paragraph worries me because you only focus on how your shyness is a draw back and hope that simply changing schools will make you more outgoing. Focus more on how you've either overcome some aspect of your shyness, or now how you use it to your advantage. does it help in studying? has it made you more independent? Have you been put in positions that force you to overcome your shyness?
I expect to transfer to a school that may
fulfill my academic and social concerning
, and I believe a student
will do the best when both studying in the most comfortable, convenient environment and being supported by an outstanding college.
* may? aren't you sure?
*wrong word, I'm not sure what you mean
* this essay should be about you, not "a student"
The essay addresses the prompt, but there are grammatical errors you need to fix. Also, and more dangerously, the essay is very general and doesn't stand out much. You tell us about your shyness and major, but your word is all we have to go on. Also, be careful talking about your weaknesses, in a short essay like this, they may overpower everything else about you. Right now, the most memorable part of the essay was that you're shy. I don't think that's the message you were trying to send.
Good luck with admissions!