I don't want to be another statistic.
Growing up in Camden, a city of poverty, violence, teen pregnancies made me realize so much. It made me realize that I don't want to be statistic. I don't want to be another statistic to fit into some mold of what society thinks of kids today. Having a single mom and growing up in one of the most dangerous city's in America with three other siblings was rough. Seeing my mom break her back to put food on the table for her children with no support was heart breaking. Having a father that was always in and out jail basically my whole life. It has always been a challenge for me. My freshman and sophomore year of high school weren't really the best. I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend college. I wasn't really sure of myself. I really didn't know who I was as a person. I didn't think I was good enough. I was lost and nobody understood me. Sometimes I often wondered to myself why me, why did I get put in to this situation. There were days were I thought my life was over. There were days were I cried myself to sleep. I always had to remind myself of one thing for every dark night there's a bright day after that. Up until my junior is when I actually knew who I was as a person. I have had years and years of experiences that completely shaped my perspective and the person that I have become. It made me realize that there's no harm in trying. I became a stronger person because I wanted to. I started to believe in myself. Now, I appreciate the things that I can do. Only by taking risks and doing absurd things, I can achieve the impossible.
Hi, Jailene1026. I LOVE your opening sentence. It's powerful and dramatic. It makes the reader want to read more. Very, very excellent. I'm going to fix some punctuation and grammar issues that I noticed:
Growing up in Camden, a city of poverty, violence, and teen pregnancies, made me realize so much.
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I don't want to be another statistic to fit into somethe mold of what society thinks of kids today. (You had already stated that you don't want to be a statistic, so I think you need to vary your word choice in this sentence. This is one way to do it.)
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Having a single mom and growing up in one of the most dangerous city'scities in America with three other siblings waswere rough. I know "were rough" sounds awkward, but I'm pretty sure it's grammatically correct since you are discussing two things (having a single mom and growing up in a single city). You would use "was" if you were just discussing one thing. To avoid this awkwardness, you might try something like this:Life with a single mom in one of America's most dangerous cities was rough.
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Seeing my mom break her back to put food on the table for her children with no support was heart breakingheartbreaking .
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Having a father that was always in and out jail basically my whole life. It has always been a challenge for me. The first statement is a sentence fragment. It needs to go on to explain how having a father like that affected you. Maybe you could combine it with the following sentence, like this:Having a father that was always in and out jail basically my whole life was extraordinarily challenging.
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I hope this has helped you a little!
OK, I'm back to work on your statement some more:
My freshman and sophomore yearyears of high school weren't really the best. You are using the word "really" a lot, so I'm going to omit it from this statement. It's important to vary your word choice.
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I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend college. I wasn't really sure of myself. I really didn't know who I was as a person. I didn't think I was good enough. I was lost and nobody understood me. There's a little bit of repetition here. Let me suggest a way to present all of these ideas without sounding repetitive:I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend college. More importantly, I wasn't even sure of myself. I didn't know who I was as a person, and I doubted whether I was good enough to accomplish much in my life. I felt lost like nobody understood me.
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Sometimes I often wondered to myself why me, why did I get put in to this situation. There were days were I thought my life was over. There were days were I cried myself to sleep. My recommendation is to omit these sentences. You've already spent a lot of "word time" in the preceding sentences describing how life was really bad for you at this point. In my opinion, this is where you need to show how things turned around for you.
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I always had to remind myself of one thingthat, for every dark night, there's a bright day after thatto come .
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Up until my junior is when I actually knew who I was as a person. This sentence is unclear. Are you trying to say that things turned around for you in your junior year (junior year of what, by the way?). Here's how I would phrase that:It was around the time of my junior year of ? that life started to improve. It was then that I came to truly understand who I am as a person.
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I have hadI discovered that the years and years of hardship I faced in my early lifeexperiences that completely shaped my perspective and the person that I have become. It made meI came to realize that there's no harm in trying (trying what? to achieve one's goals?) . I became a stronger person because I wanted to be stronger(do not end a sentence with a preposition) . I started to believe in myself. Now, I appreciate the things that I can do. Only by taking risks and doing absurd(brave? I wouldn't use "absurd" - it has negative connotations) things, I can achieve the impossible.
I hope this has helped you!
Dear Jailene1026, have 1 note for you:
Growing up in Camden, a city of poverty, violence, teen pregnancies made me realize so much . It made me realize that I don't want to be statistic. This both frazes are the same, maybe you shouls correct the 2-nd one.
I also used to have such way of writing before I have ordered some works at writepaper4me.com. It is a good way to find your mistakes, coz you see the real professional paper works!
