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BYU short essays - what set you apart from other applications


answers: 5
 ME lee337  
Jan 5, 2009, 06:38am   #1
Topic: what set you apart from other applications, based on life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievement? (200 words or less)

It was my 16th birthday. My mother lost her job, which led me to look for a job to support my family and my studying-oversea dream. And I got a part-time job with Universal Company as a sale-man. However, I soon found that job full of stressful. On busy days, I would have to struggle with choosy customers; and on slow days I would have to stand around all day in the shop. My Boss constantly threatened me with salary cuts. On top of this, I still had to study assiduously and keep up my grades. Sometimes I thought I couldn't put up with the job anymore; but I didn't give up Gradually, I got used to my job; I got satisfaction from pleasing customers; I learned how to handle stress and balance my workload. Eventually, things got better for my family. My mom found a new job and does it well. My life becomes normal again, but things are not exactly the same as they were before. I seemed to become totally different person: more mature and more active. At last, I realize that there's one thing that I maybe stand out: my never-give-up spirit.

Jan 5, 2009, 08:32am   #2
It was my 16th birthday. My mother lost her job, which led me to look for a job to support my family and my studying-oversea dream (dream of studying overseas). And I got a part-time job with Universal Company as a sale-man (salesman). On busy days, I would have to struggle with choosy (demanding/picky) customers; and on slow days (other days,) I would have to stand around all day in the shop. My Boss constantly threatened me with salary cuts. On top of this, I still had to study assiduously and to keep up my grades. Sometimes I thought I couldn't put up with the job anymore; but I didn't give up (persevered). Gradually, I got used to my job; I got satisfaction from pleasing customers; I learned how to handle stress and balance my workload. Eventually, things got better for my family. My mom found a new job and does it well. My life becomes (became) normal again, but things are not exactly the same as they were before. I seemed to (have) become a totally different person: more mature and more active. At last, I realize that there's one thing that I maybe stand out: my never-give-up spirit. (At last, I realized that the thing that sets me apart is my perserverance.)

I take it that you are Vietnamese? I think the basic structure of the essay is fine, but possibly there might be ways to make the essay slightly more convincing (e.g. use a personal tone?)
 ME lee337  
Jan 5, 2009, 08:47am   #3
wow, thank you so much for your help,Letian. I guess you are Chinese, right? and how do you know that I'm Vietnamese? is my English or my essay so bad?
Jan 5, 2009, 09:35am   #4
You're welcome! Yes, I am Chinese :) I guessed you were Vietnamese because when I went to Ho Chi Minh during Tet last year, I think I remember others with your same first name? I don't know, it just sounds like a very Vietnamese name I guess. :)

Apologies if I sounded a bit harsh on the comments, don't worry, your English isn't so bad, it's just that some of the word choices could be better made. Good luck!
It was my 16th birthday, and my mother lost her job, which required me to look for a job to help support my family and my studying overseas dream. And I got a part-time job with Universal Company as a salesperson; however, I soon found that job full of stressful. On busy days, I would have to struggle with choosy customers; and, on slow days, I would have to stand around all day in the shop. My boss constantly threatened me with a salary cut. On top of this, I still had to study assiduously to keep up my grades. Sometimes, I thought I couldn't put up with the job anymore, but I didn't give up. Gradually, I got accustomed to my job. I got satisfaction from pleasing customers. I learned how to handle stress and balance my workload. Eventually, things got better for my family. My mom found a new job and does it well. My life is normal again, but things are not exactly the same as they were previously. I seemed to become a totally different person: more mature and more active. At last, I realize that there's one thing that I maybe stand out: my "never give up" spirit.



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