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"Busy day" - College Essay - Why Penn?


ruffruff999 3 / 5 1  
Aug 24, 2014   #1
Can you please take a look at my college essay for content and grammer.

"The Admissions Committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice (College of Arts and Sciences; School of Nursing; The Wharton School; Penn Engineering). Please tell us about specific academic, service, and/or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interests, and goals."

400-650 words

September 26th, 2018
Today, I woke up knowing that it was going to be an exciting and busy day. In the morning I hustled over to Starbucks in the 1920s commons to grab a venti coffee and a piece of glazed pound cake. I had slept in and did not have time to take a shower before my Management 231 class with Professor Amstrup. I had finally finalized my business plan and application that was to be submitted for the Venture Initiation Program. I had developed my business plan back in my Management 230 class during the spring semester of junior year. My business plan was based on a company I started during junior year of high school, Palmae. Palmae is a snowboard outerwear company focused on developing snowboard gloves. I had always wanted to combine my passion for snowboarding and business, now Wharton has provided with me an opportunity to obtain funding for the prototype of my glove design.

After, class I took the time to walk over to the Penn Museum and talk to my first Penn professor. Joanne Baron had taught me intro to archeology the summer before my senior year in high school, which happened to be the same summer I decided I had to go to Penn. I wanted to tell her about my trip to Machu Picchu that I had taken over the summer through the Wharton Leadership Venture. I told her about how besides learning more about the Incas, I had really grown as a leader. Despite developing my leadership skills through Boy Scouts, Order of the Arrow, and school clubs, my ability to lead is constantly developing through new experiences.

After talking to Professor Baron I had to run over to my finance energy class. The purpose of the class is to discuss cooperate structures and the business side of the energy industry, a field I am particularly interested in. But to be able to manage an energy company you need to be able to understand it. That is why at the same time I am taking energy and its impact. This way I can graduate with a degree in the Bachelor of Sciences in Economics with a finance and management concentration, along with a minor in energy and sustainability from Penn Engineering. Penn's unique interdisciplinary study allowed me to study both business and the sciences.

The rest of the day I had to myself, so I met up with my friend Griffin who lives in South Philly and was in town for a few days before going back to Penn State. Griffin had given me my first taste of Philadelphia from the eyes of a local back in high school when I spent the weekend at his house. Griffin met me in the middle of Penn's unique and beautiful campus located in University City, just out side of center city. We grabbed a quick snack from Allegro Pizza & Grill, which is right across the street from Gregory College House. Every fall I help organize a Red Cross sponsored blood drive there, one similar to the blood drive I organized for my Eagle Scout Project. Griffin and I ended the day by catching a Phillies game together.

After the game I went back to the dorm and figured out what I needed to do for the clubs I am involved with, which include the Investment Club, Private Equity/ Venture Capital Association, and Wharton Trading group. I also talked to my snowboard sponsor, Marhar, about getting me a new snowboard for the upcoming season so I can crush Princeton in the New Jersey Series of the USSCA.

Today was truly a busy day going to class, meeting up with an old professor, hanging out in Philadelphia, and getting organized for the week. The only problem was when I woke up and realized I was still a senior in high school.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 24, 2014   #2
I had slept in and did not have time

Maybe it is better to say slept late instead of slept in. That just might be a little clearer for the reader, but I think the way you have it is really okay.

I am trying to decide if I think the word "Today" is helpful or not at the beginning of the essay. Less is always more when it comes to content; readers like to figure things out on their own. They get really entranced when you allow some room for their imagination to fill in details.

At the end of the first paragraph you have a run on sentence, but it is a good one. I like the content of that sentence, and I wish the first paragraph focused more on the idea behind that sentence. If you have a business idea, and you are entering the business program, you are automatically impressive! And it is great to do business that involves something that is your hobby or interest, because you won't get bored with it.

I think if you focus the essay more on the business idea, and specifically talk about steps you can take toward achieving your goal while you are a student at Penn, it will persuade the reader that you are serious and driven student. Most students have their heads in the clouds and do not have a clear goal.

I like your writing style!
wilguen 2 / 3  
Aug 25, 2014   #3
I think that this essay should be a little bit more abstract in terms of the concepts of leadership or integrity. People reading your application will know your extracurriculars and other ventures, they don't want you to list them off in an essay which is a supplement to your application.

The last sentence also threw me off a little bit. Were you dreaming? Why did you wake up and realize this? I think that could be a little bit clearer.


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