This is a common app prompt that my teacher wanted me to do but unfortunately i got a well below. The prompt was: Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
I also had to communicate three qualities about myself. i chose Harmonious, Problem Solver, Ambitious
This Essay was about the bus.
My teacher wrote that this was weak in meaning and i didnt show any of my qualities. Could you help me with my problems and give me advice on what to change?
Where is it?" I thought to myself at sunrise. I kept looking into its path waiting apprehensively for its arrival. Here it comes "one minute left...oh I see it!" A gust of cold wind rushes by as the bus decelerates a few feet away. As the bus was slowing down gravel cracked under the vehicle's heavy tires every inch it went. Finally the bus came to a stop and the door opened revealing the usual scheduled bus driver. As I stepped on, the sound of the hydraulics leaning the bus towards me went off. At that same moment I flashed my bus pass and greeted the bus driver with a simple "Hi". Once I got on, the doors quickly closed and the bus surged on to the next awaiting bus top.
I walked down the aisle finding that my usual seat beside the window wasn't taken. As I planted myself on to the seat, I felt the cold material give me a chill down my spine. The morning bus was packed and yet I felt isolated. Every person on that bus all sat by one another, but didn't even blink twice to know each other enough to start up a conversation. I laid my bag on my lap and crossed my arms over to get into position for an hour long ride to town. All my worries slowly drifted away and all the pressure on my shoulders was lifted. The tranquility of the engine and coolness of the ac brought my mind at ease. I leaned my head over to the hazy, morning chilled window and let the vibration of the bus drift me off, I was at peace.
I hopped on to the afternoon bus and greeted the bus driver with a smile. This time the bus was filled with people just trying to get home without having to deal with traffic. I reached the overhead handle, cold at the touch; the handle creaked forward as I pulled it. I stood there thinking to myself and planning my day ahead. Suddenly my thoughts shifted, I was now thinking about my past recollecting my memories that I had that day. All these thoughts in my head charged in one by one as the bus veered onto the highway with sun shining through the windows. As I there ruminating my problems finding a way to fix them until I reach the right solution, then suddenly the bus came to a stop and I snapped back to reality.
The bus shot out onto the freeway, ignoring every car it went past. The rain patted against the window in heavy droplets like the tears of the heavens was brought upon us. I started to think about the world and how every peace fits together so perfectly. The entire ride like in that serenity everything makes sense and the pieces for this enormous puzzle were finished. All that I want is waiting for me, all my things belong at that place, and I know what my purpose is at the end of this journey. Every person on that bus has somewhere to go and somewhere to be, each person with their individual path to go. I am just like them knowing my future and prepared to deal with it.
I pulled the stop line and the monitor blinked red with the words stop requested. This long awaiting ride has come to an end and I'm only a few yards from it. As I slowly walked towards the rear door I noticed that I have a clear vision of what my road will be and that any problem that I face on the way I can get through. All I need to do is to keep calm and stay collected. I reach my foot for the warmth of the ground ready and confident to do anything.
The main problem with the paper is that you spent too much time describing the bus ride instead of the way you felt while riding it. You should have talked about your 3 characteristics that emerge each time you ride the bus. Then explained how the bus ride helped you achieve each status through a series of interactions with other bus riders. Each experience ending with how you felt content at the end of it. The bus is where you feel content. That is clear. But why you feel content is really unclear. You should revise the essay in order to explain yourself better. The actions you take on the bus are not important. Your sentiments or feelings about the bus ride are. That is what makes you feel content while riding the bus and that is what we are interested in finding out about.
Thanks Vangiespen how would i go about explaining my three qualities? Could you give me an example that would be a huge help. thanks
Hi JacobCub. Let me make some comments and suggestions that I hope will help you get your essay on the right track :-)
The main problems I see in your essay are the character traits that you chose to describe yourself. Those 3 traits do not easily fall into a story about a bus ride. If you don't mind, I would like to change your character traits in order to make the essay work. I would instead choose the traits of friendliness, being a sharer, and accommodating because those will fit perfectly in a bus ride story. I would also indicate that you feel a sense of inner peace (contentment) while on the bus.
For friendliness, you can relate a story about how almost everyone on the bus knows one another because you all take the same bus everyday. Then a new person came onboard one time and, sensing his discomfort, you helped to welcome him on the bus so that he could feel relaxed during the long ride.
As a sharer and an accommodating person, you could talk about how sometimes, the elderly would get on the bus when it is already crowded and, because you get on the bus early on the route, you always get a seat. But every time you see an old person get on the bus, you offer your seat to the person because it is the right thing to do. It shows your respect for others and also allows you to do a good deed for the day.
Now you can talk about how all those three character traits of yours allow you to get on the bus and know that you will start the day feeling content in the knowledge that you started your day doing something good for others.
I hope my suggestions help you with your revision :-)
Thanks bro for everything , like seriously total life saver. So should I take out the intro then and make a new one? If so any tips? Also wouldn't it make accomadation and sharer the same?
By all means, write a new introduction for the essay using my suggestions as a guide or prompt. As for your question, the answer is no. An accommodating person is an agreeable person who is helpful in manner and behavior. A sharer or sharing person on the other hand, is someone who is willing to share his belongings or talent for the benefit of other people. A sharing person is not acquisitive / selfish. While an accommodating person may or may not be acquisitive / selfish by nature. Good luck with the rewrite. I am looking forward to reading it :-)
The problem is , as vangiespen says, that you do not explain the importance of the bus ride and why it makes you feel content. But overall, the way you described the bus was interesting.
