Question: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
- Helloo! So this experience really shaped who I am today. I talked about multiple incidents in camp so its not one story but the entire experience. -- I am not done yet so any feedback or suggestion would be great! :D
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At the age of 8 I traveled alone to attend a 2-week summer camp in Switzerland, which is 1,848 miles from home, for the very first time.
Maggots! For the first week of camp I cried every day to my mother on the phone and refused to unpack, believing that a plane was on its way to take me home. After I accepted the fact that I was "stuck-here" for another week, whether I liked it or not, I decided to unpack my bag and to my surprise I found a rotten banana and maggots everywhere! My friends and councilors both refused to help me and told me that I must clean the bag/room myself. In my time of need I found no one. Ultimately, I managed to get rid of the maggots with the help of my roommate(although there was still some living in my socks, which I shockingly discovered later).However, through this experience I learned to depend on "me" and that in rough times, only the people who really care will stay and help. This shaped the way I chose my friends. When I went back home I distinguished between the ones who would be there for me and the ones who were only there for the fun times.
Additionally, traveling abroad for the very first time, I was very ignorant of the cultures and religions that existed outside my country. In the first day of camp I was roomed with a girl who was from a country that was not on good terms with mine. Our countries actually considered themselves "enemies" and I was brought up to believe that all citizens of this country are my enemies. However when I interacted with this girl I realized that this was not the case. When I shared my piece of KitKat with her we instantly became friends and were able to break these relation barriers created by our countries. This girl also had completely different religious views than I did. Coming from a very conservative and religious country, I was shocked to see someone believing in something different than what I believed. Being friends with someone who came from a different culture with different beliefs allowed me to be tolerant, knowledgeable and aware.
At camp, I also experienced bullying for the first time, which shaped who I am today. In school I was crowned "princess of the grade" by my friends and was treated almost like royalty to the point where they would carry me in on their shoulders from the playground to the classroom so I can make an "entrance". However at camp, I surprisingly wasn't a princess and the campers certainly did not treat me like one. They made fun of me and talked behind my back. I felt terrible; as it was the first time I was put in such a situation. This was my first worst experience but without it would have probably become an arrogant little princess.
I also entered my very first talent show at camp, which sparked my interest in music. Although I did a rendition of the theme song from the move Fat Albert and probably looked like a fool, the audience really liked it and that positive reaction was what encouraged me to start singing/performing. Because of that experience music became a central part of my identity and, I now perform live in in music shows and have my very own successful singing channel.
All in all, with its ups and downs, attending summer camp in Switzerland at the age of 8 was truly a wonderful experience. I got home sick a lot but when it was finally time to leave, I wanted to stay. Looking back at this experience, it truly made me who I am today and everything I experienced there surely became part of my identity.
This is good! I would run it through spell check because I noticed a couple typos. I think your essay would end on a stronger note if you developed the last paragraph further. Maybe elaborate a little bit more about how it shaped your identity, just with a couple extra words. Also some phrases like "all in all" are regarded as too casual and I would possibly reconsider, maybe use "consequently" instead. Good luck!
This is a very good essay indeed! However, I think that the information you want to convey to the readers is not very clear and strong. For example,in the story of the religious conflict, you have not mentioned about what religions both of you belong to and what is the conflict and different beliefs you have. Well, that is my personal opinion.Good luck!
Hey, thank you for your feedback :) Religion is a pretty iffy subject and so i wanted to stay clear of the specific religions and the conflicts and just keep it broad as to not offend the reader. I might try to make it a little bit more clear though
At the age of 8, I traveled alone for the first time, to attend a 2-week summer camp in Switzerland...1,848 miles from home.
The first week of camp I cried every day to my mother on the phone and refused to unpack, believing that a plane was on its way to take me home. After I accepted the fact that I was "stuck-here" for another week, whether I liked it or not , I decided to unpack my bag. and To my surprise I found a rotten banana and maggots everywhere! My friends and councilors both refused to help me and told me that I must instructed me clean the bag/room myself. In my time of need I found no one.Why was this a this a time of need? Was it because you had never traveled by yourself before? Or because of the maggots? Tell the reader how you felt! Ultimately, I managed to get rid of the maggots with the help of my roommate(although there was still some living in my socks, which I shockingly discovered later).However, through this experience I learned to depend on "me" and that in rough times, only the people who really care will stay and help. I am not able to understand how this helped you conclude the idea of choosing your friends This shaped the way I chose my friends. When I went back home I distinguished between the ones who would be there for me and the ones who were only there for the fun times.
The essay is good, but you need to work on the overall structure of the essay and grammar. Good luck!
Salma, I can understand how traveling alone for the first time and attending camp can be a traumatic experience for an 8 year old. However, you are trying to present an autobiographical account of your stay at the camp instead of just presenting a life altering event that occurred there for you. That is why the essay has become cluttered with too much information, lacks direction, development, and a central theme. The only way you can do that is to concentrate on the one event that affected you the most while you were at camp. Try not to discuss religion because there is a great chance you might end up offending the reader of your essay. Religion is always a topic that causes misunderstandings and is best left out of an academic essay. Traveling alone is a good topic, as is bullying since these two are almost standard essay responses to the given prompt. If I were writing this essay, I would concentrate on the talent show instead and how I performed in it because by discussing that, I can effectively touch on discussing bullying, camp cliques, and other related information, without having to go into too much detail about the experience. I hope you take my advice into consideration as you continue to draft this essay :-) We are all looking forward to reading it.
