Dear all!!!
Here is my admission essay draft for Berea College. Any critics are welcomed! PLease give me your feedbacks. I also will check yours and give feedbacks. Thank you very much!!!
What ties these people together? Arnold Swarznegger (Austria), Madeleine Albright (Czechoslovakia), Sergey Brin (Russia)... The answer is UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. They moved to the US and became great leaders and famous people by taking advantageous chances that found there. They studied in the USA and nurtured themselves in the way that they should be and took offered opportunities to be who they could be by the help of US Education. The educational and social life in the US, especially in Berea, is quite supportive for a person to develop. As that is in mind, I see Berea College as a place of opportunities. Living and studying at Berea for my entire Bachelor's academic years is a great chance to be improved as person and leader. I want to take ultimate advantages of the opportunities created by the land of opportunities.
I have gained theoretical information about the USA, its society and culture by learning from classes and up-to-date articles. Practical experience is in a high demand by my mind and soul and Berea College will facilitate me to crack theoretical knowledge about the USA. Berea College will open the way for me to explore America and I believe that I will enjoy its lifelong benefits. I will boost my personality as I will experience multi-cultural society and the diversity of people by face to face interactions, and I will expand my worldview by living in the US. Moreover, I will be able to achieve a pinnacle of my educational success. It is undeniable that the highly developed education system is a magnificently considered in the development of every sphere in the USA. Particularly, the political science field is in the center of liberal arts and takes stable outstanding place in governmental regulations, internal and external affairs and politics. Learning Political Science deeply, understanding the governmental regulations will lead me towards the state regulation systems of my country that I will be able to apply my knowledge and experiences to improve the governmental system of my country. In the study of the field, highly qualified professors and the availability of resources will be great assistants for me to be highly educated.
There is another reason to call Berea as a place of opportunities. College never lets the financial problem be a main factor for prospective students not to apply or be worried. Love and care towards every individual student of Berea makes every student much stronger. Once Bill Gates quoted, " receiving bachelor's degree is ...." However, Berea makes his words weaker. When I talked about my dreams about studying in the USA to my parents, I felt the sadness from their faces when they looked to each other, knowing nothing to say to me. They tried to explain the financial situation of our family, how they should buy new houses for my two elder brothers and pay for my last brother's marriage in this autumn. My face down, I said nothing, even blamed myself for making my parents sad. My parents have always been being afraid of money matters to my study. Free specialized boarding school and boarding academic lyceum were for their fortune that money was second role to my academic success. I believe that money always is in a second role for me to achieve my academic pinnacles. I am strongly convinced that Berea is for not only my parents fortune, but also, for mine too.
I faced new, different educational teaching system when I took extra English classes in Edelweiss Progress Center (EPC). The director of EPC provided students with American Educational teaching style by involving 2 teachers who have been to America. The English Advanced and the preparatory group of IELTS that were taught by these 2 teachers were very exciting and supportive for me to develop mentally, morally and personally. I learnt their good interpersonal skills and enjoyed the individual care and helpful class, simultaneously. They sometimes used to tell about their experiences in the USA when we had free time. They would tell about the development of social and educational life, and the differences of cultures, people and lifestyles in the US. Whenever they began talking about their experiences, I got really impressed and visualized my own academic and social life in the US. They gave me the high passion and motivation to study in America during my study in EPC. I enhanced my interests and intents on America for years and I strongly believe that Berea is a big opportunity for me to satisfy my interests, passion and academic thirst.
As it is said, "challenges make a person stronger." I clearly understand the life and study in Berea College will bring me challenges that will influence my entire life. I have been preparing myself to the new challenges for a long time and now, I am completely ready to take a big step. I will nurture myself and shape my individuality, widen my world outlook and receive excellent multi-cultural experiences by studying at Berea. After my return to Uzbekistan, I see myself as working in one of the state places, benefiting to society and my country. I strongly believe that all the experiences derived from Berea College will assist me to grow personally and professionally and most importantly to become a top leader in this modern society.
What ties these people together? Arnold Swarznegger (Austria), Madeleine Albright (Czechoslovakia), Sergey Brin (Russia)... The answer is UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (don't caps). They moved to the US and became great leaders and famous people by taking advantageous chances that found there. They studied in the USA,and nurtured themselves,in the way that they should be and and took offered opportunities to be who they could be by the help of US Education. The educational and social life in the US, especially in Berea, is quite supportive for a person to develop. As that is in mind, I see Berea College as a place of opportunities. Living and studying at Berea for my entire Bachelor's academic years is a great chance to be improved as person and leader. I want to take ultimate advantages of the opportunities created by the land of opportunities.
Learning Political Science, deeply understanding the governmental regulations will lead me towards the state regulation systems of my country that I will be able to apply my knowledge and experiences to improve the governmental system of my country.
Good! You have a clear goal but expand on it. Do you want to be a politician later on? Give specific examples and elaborate your goal.
Is there a word count for this? What is the prompt for your essay?
Overall, your essay is a little bit wordy and disorganized in structure. Try to say things in a more succinct way, it'll help improve the overall flow of your essay a lot.
Critique mine and return the favor. Thanks :)
Good luck!
Nice job with this essay. Also, thanks for being such a good example and encouraging collaboration. That is what makes EF great.
Living and studying at Berea for my entire Bachelor's academic undergraduate years is a great chance to be improved improve as person and leader.
I want to take ultimate advantages advantage of the opportunities created by the land of opportunities.---It is good to trim away extra words and be concise.
This college never lets financial problems become main factors for prospective students. not to apply or be worried .
This is a powerful sentence, very good: Love and care towards every individual student of Berea makes every student much stronger.
Once Bill Gates quoted remarked, "Receiving bachelor's degree is ...
Use an apostrophe:
...is for not only my parents' fortune, but also, for mine too.
Capitalize:
As it is said, "Challenges make...
I am very impressed. If you have any trouble getting into the program you want, try another and another, and let everyone share in your enthusiasm. Your enthusiasm will energize every system you enter and make you successful!
