"I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN!"; Music never goes unnoticed.

Prompt: Consider something in your life that you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you.

"I believe that we will win! I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN!" The Sauk Prairie student section chants above the crowd. That chant always happens at least twice at a football game, no matter if the eagles are winning or losing. High school sports, like football, bring students and community together to support a common goal. Sports are essential to Sauk Prairie High School, and the majority of students are involved in sports. Being a part of volleyball, track, soccer, and cheer throughout high school has taught me teamwork, self-discipline, and respect. Aside from taking part in athletics, I am also a member of the chamber singers and Executive Session, the school's varsity show choir. Music has taught me many of the same lessons that sports have, but it has also taught me two important lessons that I did not get from sports: take risks and know yourself. A lot of students know little to nothing about the music program, and most of its funding was cut a couple of years ago. The 2013-14 yearbook even failed to include the two music teachers, Mr. Brennan and Mr. Koscinski, in the staff section. Talk about awkward! Although it is vital to it's students lives and teaches many of the same lessons as sports, the importance of music has been forgotten in many schools lately.

The Sauk Prairie music program has taught me to take risks, because "the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing." A large poster of a poem entitled RISKS hangs on a wall in the choir room. It reminds me to take creative risks during choir class and show choir. Outside the choir room, the poem has given me the courage to take risks in academics, like taking a challenging AP class or conveying my concerns about a bad grade to a scary teacher when I could have just taken the score like the rest of the class did. Learning to take risks has helped me to succeed in every aspect of my life.

My experiences in show choir have led me to get to know myself on a deeper level and become independent in my beliefs. During the show choir season, my teacher asks us to come up with a character for ourselves that fits into the show we are performing. Last year, the show comprised of selections from the broadway musical Hair, a story about young people living in the controversial sixties. This assignment really made me consider my values and beliefs and connect my opinions of current political issues to the issues that my character would have faced in the mid-1960s. Creating my "hippie" alter ego for Hair helped me get to know myself and deeply understand my views on the issues our country faces today.

Taking risks and knowing myself are two lessons I learned from being a part of Sauk Prairie Music. Joining show choir in seventh grade has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. Music has had such a great impact on my life, and I hope that middle and high school music programs throughout the country can continue to survive and make a difference in people's lives. My favorite aspect of performing is the ability my group has to move people with our shows. Music not only has a positive impact on it's members, but it also affects the audience. And that never goes unnoticed.

A personal statement should SHOW not tell your personality/accomplishments
EX
" Being a part of volleyball, track, soccer, and cheer throughout high school has taught me teamwork, self-discipline, and respect. Aside from taking part in athletics, I am also a member of the chamber singers and Executive Session, the school's varsity show choir."

-- this portion just TELLS, rather than shows how you are respectful, disciplined or good on a team/group
"Talk about awkward!"
-- delete this...while the statements should reveal some aspects of your personality, this line seems hackneyed and awkward.
"This assignment really made me consider my values and beliefs and connect my opinions of current political issues to the issues that my character would have faced in the mid-1960s. Creating my "hippie" alter ego for Hair helped me get to know myself and deeply understand my views on the issues our country faces today. "

-- again, show not tell; you keep mentioning "knowing myself" but you never really say/elaborate on how or what exactly you discover about yourself

- Paige, my suggestion is that you revise your introduction so that you can immediately introduce your experience with the music program of the school. Don't mention anything else about your school activities because, as we all know, the music programs in high schools in the United States are in danger of becoming extinct. So this is truly something that goes unnoticed and should be of importance to you. Bring the second paragraph up as an introduction and merge it with what you said about the music program. Then jump to your choir participation and talk about how important your participation there was to you. Mention the lessons you learned from the choirmaster or from competitions that you won and lost.

At this point, your draft is not really going int he direction of the prompt. You spend too much time discussing unrelated events at the beginning so it really distracted from the focus of the paper. I would rather that you choose just one topic and build it up based upon the essay prompt. I know that it can be hard to do that but that is why we are here to assist you and give suggestions. In this case, focus on either music or your membership in the choir, both are dying educational departments whose importance is going unnoticed these days. We can slowly help you bring this essay towards the prompt direction as you continue to revise the essay. I look forward to your next version :-)

A large poster of a poem entitled RISKS hangs
why did you make risks in capital litter ?
i think it is better with small litter