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Babson Letter- "I am different!"


answers: 4
Dec 28, 2010, 03:45am   #1
Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him, or her, what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college

To my future Babson Roommate,

First, I would like to extend my sincere congratulations to you for being accepted into Babson College. Attending Babson has been my dream ever since I moved to the States—an all business school that will help me focus on my career amongst people with who share the same goals as me. Going to Babson is a great opportunity and hopefully together we will make the best of it.
I was raised in an Indian family where every member became either an engineer or doctor and I utterly shocked my parents when I chose to pursue a degree in the field of business. After shifting my interest in career choice numerous times, from being a scientist to a radio jockey, I chose marketing because of its inevitable nature in everyday life. Marketing is essentially about convincing people of one's point of view. Marketing is my passion because it intrigues me on various levels—psychologically, socially and economically. I hope to that I can take this passion to the next level, here at Babson.
At Babson, the one thing that I look forward to is the diversity of campus life. The mix of American and international students provides a perfect blend and learning environment. Furthermore, being amidst students who have similar goals is an experience I am truly looking forward to. High school is a mixture of a variety of people with different goals and moving onto college unites people with the same goals to achieve success more efficiently.
It is quite evident that sharing space with a friend or stranger is a new experience for most students, but hopefully my experience in this aspect will make the transition easier for both of us. I have lived by myself before in Malaysia and Thailand, and look forward to starting a new adventure with you at Babson. I migrated to the United States a year ago, so I will come across very different compared to the average teenager in terms of my mannerisms and, of course, my accent.
I have always wanted to live in a dormitory—a desire inspired by the vast amount of Enid Blyton books I read when I was younger. I have a very competitive nature which drives me to achieve my best. I love being gregarious which helps me because of the nature of my profession and the multiple interactions with people. I do have to warn you that I am not very good with time which is why people usually provide me with a half-hour cushion; but I am working on that. One more thing—I am a shopaholic! I cannot stay away from the smell of newly boxed shoes, tinkling earrings reflecting light from the store, the smooth fabric of dresses on display or the big bold signs that spell S-A-L-E, pulling me toward the store involuntarily.
This letter only reveals the tip of the iceberg; the whole will be revealed when we meet to begin our first year in college. I look forward to meeting you.
Sincerely,
Jesar Shah

This is a letter to a future babson roommate. My question is: Is the style of writing i employed alright? And is the content relevant to the prompt?

Any other feedback is appreciated.

Thankyou :)

Dec 28, 2010, 05:28am   #2
Hi.

From this essay I can tell that you are a dynamic person. Your essay covers a lot about your habit, your past and your believes. However, I think you need to organize them in order to make the ideas sound coherent. Many sentences needs to be rewritten, such as this one:

jshah:
At Babson, the one thing that I look forward to is the diversity of campus life.


I look forward to the diversity of campus life at Babson.

and this one:

jshah:
One more thing—I am a shopaholic! I cannot stay away from the smell of newly boxed shoes, tinkling earrings reflecting light from the store, the smooth fabric of dresses on display or the big bold signs that spell S-A-L-E, pulling me toward the store involuntarily.


on display or the big bold signs that spell S-A-L-E that pulls me toward the store involuntarily.

G L~
Dec 28, 2010, 06:09am   #3
Attending Babson has been my dream ever since I moved to the States—an all business school that will help me focus on my career amongst people with who share the same goals as me. Going to Babson is a great opportunity and hopefully together we will make the best of it.

Attending and going are the same...possibly rephrase the second sentence?

I hope to that I can take this passion to the next level, here at Babson.
At Babson, the one thing that I look forward to is the diversity of campus life.


Repetitive "at Babson." Incorporate the "I hope..." sentence into previous sentences?


Style of writing is perfect, and you definitely answered the prompt! :)



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