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Auto-biography and serious advice


i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 9, 2010   #1
MY HW:
A 500-word biography that outlines your educational and extracurricular interests. Please include an explanation of why you wish to participate in the International Baccalaureate program and what you believe you could contribute.

I am about 100 words over 500. I really don't know how to shorten it. You can pull out information if you think it is irrelevant. Also, please check over my English and give serious advice. Thank you a lot!

P.S. I have just blanked ''------------'' some places because I want to remain anonymous. BTW: The mini school program allows a student to finish grade 8,9, and 10 in just 2 years.

I was born in China, where I attended 2 years of school. In China, there is a big workload starting from grade one. Self-discipline is a must, which I developed at a young age. I remember begging my parents to enroll me in Piano lessons. With long hours of practice consisting of many mistakes, I learned what determination and perseverance were really about and was able to improve. Sometimes, the workload and lessons brought me near tears, but in the end, the feeling of achievement was always worth it.

Then I moved to Canada. I learned English within a year. Canada is so different from China. In China, they try to teach as many things to you as possible, while in Canada they set plates of knowledge and you must take them yourself. I try to learn as much as I can because knowledge is power and infinite. I can never know enough; I may need something in the future, or I might never use it again after my high school career.

I joined a variety of teams, from football to badminton. I didn't know anything about basketball when I first joined, but I love to experience new things. I applied learning how to play the piano to sports. I also learned how to cooperate with others and work as a team. By the end of the season, I was not only a strong player, but I also earned Most Inspirational and Captain Sports Award. I involved myself in things like Student council, Library and Drama Club, and always participated in as many things as I can.

In grade 4, my English was good, but not great yet. I was striving for an A in English, and always came close with a B. I started reading, and I found out books are powerfully engaging containing the most fascinating wells of knowledge. I read from Fiction to Historical to Self How-To books. Within, a year of reading, my English skills shot up.

While other kids seemed to be groaning about school, I absolutely loved it! I was always looking for ways to challenge my self and learn new things. I went to -------------Secondary's Mini School Program. It provided a challenge and required high academic achievement. In the beginning, I found the Mini School program hard, I even almost failed a class but I was able to pull though 1st term, adjust and now I find Mini School quite easy. I continued to involve my self in sports and clubs. I joined the International Action Club, where we try to raise money to build a school in a developing country. I wanted to provide some other child with at least one opportunity like school. I'm a big fan of art, from textiles, to drawing to painting. Just this year, I realized how much I love the theatre arts, and I am very interested in becoming a part of my school's Theatre Company or even --------------'s.

I wanted to continue challenging my self and I found the International Baccalaureate Program. IB would be my biggest opportunity to be challenged not just at a provincial or national level, but on international standards. At the core of the IB program is making the world a better place and having a balanced education. I can make the world a better place and will contribute to ---------------s many clubs and the global community. I plan to participate in things like fundraising for charities. I am a well-rounded learner that could apply my knowledge to the world. IB would fulfill my love and need of learning.
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 9, 2010   #2
give serious advice

lol, why so serious?

I want to remain anonymous

haha how can you expect to remain anonymous when you've posted your name?

where I developed self-discipline and my love for learning

e.g, you can take this out. It's absolutely impersonal and very unsupported. Instead, jump to your story and HOW you developed these qualities.

On my own time

on my free time?

I often drew

drew what? paint? sketch? not that it matters, but it gives insight on your life, which is nice

I loved anything to do with the arts.

i'd take this out, you said enough.

intro: you've used 3 "love"s...sounds like frivolous to me. Also, you don't provide a clear enough thesis. Do you want to talk about academics/learning, or arts?

the land of opportunities

lol that's really not necessary. Plus, it's US the land of opp.

I knew I had to take every opportunity because so many children don't get those opportunities

don't say generic statements. jump to what exactly have you done instead of wasting words summarizing

I learned English within my first year by my self, and easily interacted with other children.

by myself and easily interacted
(btw no offense, but this is not really a huge accomplishment. all immigrants go through this. I'm not discrediting your efforts, but just to make sure that you understand that this does NOT make you unique)

avoid you's

seriously, your first body paragraph is a bunch of unecessary details in which the reader learns only 1 thing about you: you learn quickly, and you "claim" to love learning. The reader will be very skeptical if you don't provide specific examples.

football team, basketball team, track and field team, soccer team, badminton team, and volleyball team

you have a resume for naming your sports

Student council, Lunch Monitor, Safety Patrol, Library Club, Drama Club, Crafts Club

once again, that's what resume is for

Secondary's Mini School Program

you prob want to explain what it is to the admin, not just to the EF people

ok, i pretty much skimmed over the rest. My overall opinion on this is that it is just empty talk, you declaring yourself as a person who loves to learn everything and join every club. However, a big problem is that you don't provide events about your life. You list things, but don't go deep in them, which makes them sound like fluff.

I know that the prompt might mislead you in thinking that it's the way to go, but let me tell you that many people will do the same as you, which isn't helping at all in the differentiation process. You need to be different to stand out, and you won't do it with this impersonal and fact-filled essay.

Here's my suggestion: take two or three things that really matters to you: music, sports, and school let's say. find 1 event in each that "show", not "tell" the reader that you are a very persistent and open person. Instead of: I play this and this and be done with it, say: My piano teacher used to call me clumsy, but after months of practice, I finally made to this this competition and earned her approval (of course, it has to be longer than that). try to "touch" the reader and incite some emotional response.

Then, in your conclusion, summarize your qualities that you've shown through the paragraphs, and say how you'll use these in the IB program (btw, show that you know what this program is, and say SPECIFICALLY how you will use your qualities in different aspects of the program). avoid generic statements like

enormous supply of knowledge

or

make the world a better place

and say what you actually plan to do.

good luck.
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 10, 2010   #3
Thanks for the great advice Yang! I didn't realize my name would be shown. LOL, so much for remaining anonymous. I tried to follow your advice, and revised it. I think it's less 'fluffy'? Any further advice would be great and much appreciated!
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 10, 2010   #4
I was born in China, where

no need for comma here

In China, there is a big workload starting from grade one. Self-discipline is a must, which I developed at a young age.

Since there is a big workload starting at first grade in China, I developed a strict self-discipline at a young age.

I remember begging my parents to enroll me in Piano lessons

There's a lack of transition here. You just said that self discipline is a must, but suddenly switch to begging your parents for a piano? Try coming up with a transition that would link the idea of school to music, to do that you'd probably change the "begging my parents" part

E.G: outside school work, I also took piano lessons, a combination that almost brought to tears sometimes. When I overcame the obstacles, however, the feeling of accomplishment made all the effort worthwhile.

Then I moved to Canada. I learned English within a year. Canada is so different from China.

try to avoid short and scattered sentences. These make you sound unsophisticated if you know what I mean.
A few years later (It's better to say exactly when, like at the age of 8 or something) my family moved to Canada, a drastically different country from China.

Also, the English part is out of place, we'll see where we can put it later.

In China, they

hmm...standard mistake, it's like in SAT lol. Who's they?

... ...

Alright, this essay sounds like the first draft, except structured in a different way.
What I was suggesting is what you did in paragraph 5, except more in depth. How exactly did you overcome your problems? You almost failed, but how did you finally succeed EMOTIONALLY and PSYCHOLOGICALLY?

You need an essay that truly go in depth about a few things, not just naming what you did. This draft is better than the previous one in that you drop out a lot of completely useless comments, but still your attention is way too scattered. You try to cover every aspect of your life, yet that's not how a good auto-biography should work. You need to talk about things that are truly meaningful to you and write things that can touch the reader.

The admin needs to feel sympathy for you or feel that you are a really strong person psychologically and that you will succeed. Think about it this way. Nothing you do will impress them honestly. All the stuff you put on, how you moved, how you learned english, how you did all these things, are standard package. How do I know? I pretty much went through the same thing. Therefore, what truly separates you from the other candidates?

It's the way you think, the way you react to problems, NOT how many clubs or sports you have done. The reader is honestly more interested about how you met a problem and solved it, and what was going on in your mind when you did that, or why did you not fail when the odds were against you. Therefore, you need to put emotions in your essay and convince the reader that you are a great candidate for the school. Again, you can't show this by simply listing facts and hope that the reader will be overwhelmed by the number of things you did, because he/she won't.

My suggestions are the same I had previously. Focus on 2 or 3 elements of your life (SPECIFIC ELEMENTS, like piano, math, badminton) and tell STORIES about these things. Instead of "I was good and got this and this." You need to say: "at first, I was discriminated against and blabla, but through my efforts and blabla, I succeeded in winning my team's respect and we won multiple tournaments together blabla. Through this experience, I learned to be persistent and blabla" You need to SHOW the reader your qualities, not list them.
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 11, 2010   #5
I just focused on that one part in paragraph 5. I revised it again, do you think I'm going along the right track?

In the beginning, I found the Mini School program hard. I even almost failed French, my weakest subject. I didn't have any time to work on my French when I had 5 other accelerated subjects to worry about. A big problem of mine was procrastination. I decided to start using my agenda, and planning every hour of the day. I would finish this subject's homework, then eat dinner, then finish another subject's homework. At first I felt I had no time to hang out with my friends or do anything fun. After a few weeks of careful time management, I started having whole weekends to relax! Tests were no longer stressful. My organization skills developed and I had learned from my mistakes. My little agenda, a thin book pulled me though 1st term. I adjusted and now I find Mini School quite easy.
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 11, 2010   #6
The idea is right, you want to go in depth about 1 specific challenge and how you psychologically and physically overcame it.

The way of telling the story, however, could be improved. Your sentences are still kind of scattered, like:

A big problem of mine was procrastination.

followed by

I decided to start using my agenda, and planning every hour of the day.

Instead, you could merge these two ideas and make your text flow better:
I was quite a big procrastinator for a while, until I began to use an agenda and planned minutely everything I would be doing during the day.

I would finish this subject's homework, then eat dinner, then finish another subject's homework.

I would finish homework in one subject, eat dinner, then move on to another subject.

At first I felt I had no time to hang out with my friends or do anything fun. After a few weeks of careful time management, I started having whole weekends to relax!

or do anything fun, but after a few week of careful time management...

My organization skills developed and I had learned from my mistakes.

Since this is your conclusion of this paragraph, I would literally tell the reader that this is what you got out of your experience.
As a result of this experience, my organization skills tremendously improved and I became a much more efficient person. (learned from my mistakes isn't quite as strong here)

The rest isn't necessary. It distracts the reader since you've already covered that you were doing well after having an agenda.

well, this is good stuff. You could make it better tho by merging your sentences and try to make your essay flow smoother.
if you've got 2 more paragraph like this, I think it would be a much stronger essay and would make an actual impact on the reader, rather than listing every activity you've done.
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 11, 2010   #7
I wrote a few paragraphs trying to go in depth on the subject. Which three do you think are particularly strong? Any other advice would be helpful. Thank you so much, for all this expertise and taking your time to help me.

One inspiration for me to challenge my self and strive for excellence is my mom. She raised me all by her self since I was born, and brought me to Canada when I was 8, so I could have more opportunities. She worked so many different jobs into late hours. She could have stayed in China, and had an easier life, but she chose Canada instead. She told me never to worry about her, but to concentrate on my own goals. She is like Super Women to me taking on challenges everyday. One philosophy she taught me, that I believe in very strongly is to learn as much as I can because knowledge is power and infinite. (I thought I would put my mom in a paragraph, because she is a big part of my life. Also, I could like blend coming to Canada in here.)

I joined a variety of teams, from football to badminton. I didn't know anything about basketball when I first joined, but I love new experiences. Everyone thought I would be terrible because I was a short, clumsy girl; they under-estimated me. Though I was not great, I listened carefully to the coach and never missed a practice. I also learned how to cooperate with others and work as a team. By the end of the season, I was not only a strong player, but I also earned the Most Inspirational Award. (I didn't really change anything to this paragraph, it has always been like non-thinking when I played basketball. That's why I love it so much.)

I always had a love for reading. I read anything from Fiction to Historical. In grade four, I tried to read Harry Potter. I couldn't understand it, so my mom made me search up every word I didn't know in the dictionary. Then I had to search up unknown words from the definition. It was exhausting, but I finished the book. This skill had stayed with me and the dictionary has been immensely helpful. Ever since, I found out books are powerfully engaging containing the most fascinating wells of knowledge. Books are an addiction to me now; I always have a pile of books on my nightstand.

In the beginning, I found the Mini School program hard. I even almost failed French, my weakest subject. I didn't have any time to work on my French when I had 5 other accelerated subjects to worry about. I was quite a big procrastinator for a while, until I began to use my agenda and planned minutely everything I would be doing during the day. At first I felt I didn't have any free time. After a few weeks of careful time management, I started having whole weekends to relax and tests were no longer stressful. As a result of this experience, my organization skills tremendously improved and I became a much more efficient person.
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 11, 2010   #8
expertise

lol, just another HS senior who's tired of writing "perfect" essays that'll be read in about 20 sec :P

my self

you've got to correct this. it's myself

One inspiration for me to challenge my self and strive for excellence is my mom.

avoid passive tense if you can put it in active. this will make your story more impactful and fast paced

her self

again, you've really GOT to correct these. herself. I'll stop finding these mistakes from now on

I was born, and

no need for comma here

was 8, so

nor here

She worked so many different jobs into late hours.

She worked in so many late hour jobs (in order to support our family and my education maybe?).

She could have stayed in China, and

again, watch your commas. If you only have 2 things linked by "and", you don't put comma before and.

but she chose Canada instead

but instead she chose to move to Canada, for my sake.

She is like Super Women to me taking on challenges everyday.

this is out of place and sounds childish. You've started to build emotions until now, but this sentence RUINS the momentum

One philosophy she taught me, that I believe in very strongly is to learn as much as I can because knowledge is power and infinite.

She kept reminding me to learn as much as I could because as she puts it: "knowledge is infinite power" (cliche, I'd suggest asking her and put what she says, preferably in bad English :P to make it sound real, but that's just my preference)

yea, so far so good. The mother paragraph is very real and an essential element of your life, and the reader gets a lot of insight in your situation. The only thing that you might considering adding (again, I'm not sure you should, but think about it) is how the things your mom taught you helped you to succeed in school. For example:

...my own goals. Seeing how hard my mom works everyday truly moved me and pushed me to try my hardest in school to learn English and other subjects. then continue with your last sentence.

I joined a variety of teams, from football to badminton.

WHERE IS THE TRANSITION? Sorry for the caps, but I'm really frustrated here. You've got ALL this good stuff previously with the mom and you build tremendous momentum, but suddenly, you give this...no warning whatsoever. The end of a paragraph DOESN'T mean the end of an essay. It's a constant flow, and the link between paragraphs, the carrying of emotions and all the good stuff from one paragraph to another is beyond essential to a captivating essay. You've GOT to master the transition skill.

oh, and something that might shock you, the reader can put down your essay at ANY TIME. think about this. I'm the admin, it's friday night, and I WANT TO GO HOME. I pick up this last essay and I read...intro, ok, first pargraph...mother...hmm...that's good, she seems to have had a tough life, but she went through (mental check)...sports? what? when did this happen? where? WHAT? (mental XXXX) ok...keep going about sports...nothing more interesting...puts down essay.

See where I'm going at? You need to capture the reader every sentence of your essay and don't give him or her the chance to doubt you or drop your essay.

alright, after skimming over the rest, you've got 0 link between paragraphs. How exactly do you move from mother to sport, sport to reading, and reading to...academics? minischool?

now, the only paragraph that is GOOD is the first one, frankly. Don't be discouraged or ashamed or anything. It's NORMAL that you don't get this right away, but it's GREAT that you understood what a good essay requires in at least 1 paragraph. Try modeling the rest of your essay based on your first body paragraph and think about making the reader cry, that's your goal.

oh, and please please don't put paragraphs together and think that they'll stick. you need to use glue.
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 11, 2010   #9
Sorry, if I'm frustrating you. xD LOL, I'm pretty much ripping out clumps of hair my self trying to make it awesome. I was trying to focus on a paragraph at a time, so I could get the in depth idea down. Again, much thanks! I tried to put in transition. HAHAHAHHAHA, I could imagine the admin dude getting confused with the metal checks. P.S. I haven't really done anything for the Introduction and Ending paragraph, so I just didn't add it in. Here it is.

My mom inspires me to challenge myself and strive for excellence. She raised me all by herself since I was born and brought me to Canada when I was 8 so I could have more opportunities. She worked in so many late hour jobs to support our family. She could have stayed in China and had an easier life, but instead she chose to move to Canada, for my sake. She told me never to worry about her, but to concentrate on my own goals. Seeing how hard my mom works everyday truly moved me and pushed me to try my hardest in school. She kept reminding me to learn as much as I could because as she says in Chinese: "knowledge is infinite power".

(Hmmmmm, I'm kind of over 500 words, but that is not the problem now. I think adding the my mom's hard work moves me isn't that important beauase I have already said it in the beggining of the paragraph. I might erase it. If you think I should keep it, then I will)

Growing up, my mom has read the most exciting stories every night. That has sprouted my love for reading. I read anything from Fiction to Historical. In grade four, I tried to read Harry Potter but I couldn't understand it, so my mom made me search up every word I didn't know in the dictionary. Then I had to search up unknown words from the definition. It was exhausting, but I finished the book. This skill had stayed with me and the dictionary has been immensely helpful. Ever since, I found out books are powerfully engaging containing the most fascinating wells of knowledge. Books are an addiction to me now; I always have a pile of books on my nightstand.

(My friend actually told me she loved this paragraph and should keep it the way it is. xD)

When I'm not reading, I focus on schoolwork. I went to Gladstone's Mini School program and found it hard in the beginning. I almost even failed French, my weakest subject, because I had no time to work on it when I had 5 other accelerated subjects to worry about. Three of my friends had already decided to drop out of the Mini School, and a few low marks really discouraged me. I, of course had thoughts of quitting my self, but then I thought of my mom. She told me that setbacks will only make you better, never quit half way. I looked at my problems more closely and realized I been a big procrastinator for a while. I began to use my agenda and planned minutely everything I would be doing during the day. At first I felt I didn't have any free time, and frustration often took over me. After a few weeks of careful time management, I started having whole weekends to relax and tests were no longer stressful. As a result of this experience, my organization skills tremendously improved and I became a much more efficient person.

Challenges come mentally, but physically as well. I joined a variety of teams, from football to badminton. My favourite would be basketball. I didn't know anything about basketball when I first joined in grade 4, but I love new experiences. When I joined, all the other players were at least a year older. Being the youngest, shortest, and a clumsy girl, I got made fun of few times and everyone thought I would be terrible. I hated it when people under-estimated me; it only made me try harder. Though I was not great, I listened carefully to the coach and never missed a practice. When it comes down to sports, I fight through injuries and discrimination to play my best on the floor. Basketball taught me how to cooperate with others and work as a team. By the end of the season, I was not only a strong player, but I also earned the Most Inspirational Award.
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 11, 2010   #10
I'm pretty much ripping out clumps of hair my self trying to make it awesome

haha, you really need to get in the habit of writing myself instead of my self

knowledge

Knowledge

yea, it feels out of order, take it out
However, I really feel that you should add more about YOU in that paragraph. It feels like you talk a lot about your mother, which is good, but adding more of how that impacted you would make it even better.

again, the link between paragraphs are missing. Sorry for the glue thing, I know realize that it wasn't what's missing.

Try to think about it this way. The ideals you've got in the first paragraph needs to be transported into the second one, and the second to the third one, and the third to fourth one. What you're doing here is:

first paragraph: mom works hard, sacrifice
second: mom tells me stories, continue to talk about stories, WITHOUT anymore of the main themes in your first paragraph, so no working hard, no sacrifice.

third: when I'm not reading, I'm doing hw. That's all the link there is to the second paragraph. no more of the stuff in your second paragraph

...

Now, I see the weakness in your essay because I've written one that has a similar mistake.
intro: talk about things I learned from China, Canada, and US. (very weak btw, I realized later)
first paragraph: I got good work ethics from China
2nd paragraph: I learned French in Canada, and overcame troubles such as loneliness
3rd paragraph: US was the ultimate sharpening stone, furthered my skills in everything
conclusion: I learned many things from these cultures, not just languages. Therefore, that's what I'll contribute to the school.

See the problem in this structure? Apart from the intro that links the paragraphs, there's not real substance that makes this an essay. I mean, each paragraph could be separately written and it would make sense, which is TOTALLY BAD because you don't want your essay to be read separately; if this happens, then you're giving the reader plenty of chance to drop your essay and move on right?

What's the solution to this problem? FIND A MAIN THEME. You can talk about your mother, sports, reading, academics. THere's nothing wrong with choosing multiple SUBJECTS to talk about. However, YOU NEED TO HAVE A MAIN THESIS. What is one thing you've learned through everything you have done? I mean, there's gotta be 1 thing, whether it is perseverance, or something else, that you've learned in your life right? And once you find that something, write your entire story around it.

For instance, if you choose say perseverance.
Your mother would be the inspiration to your perseverance. Your mini school would obviously be an example. Try to tie sports and academics/reading (i'd combine these) to this idea of constantly overcoming problems and never giving up.

Hope that helps, there's still quite a lot of work ahead, but I believe that the result will be a gem.
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 11, 2010   #11
Sometimes, I feel like I'm moving away from the biography and outlining interests prompt with all this stuff. Am I? xD I'll work on it and hopefully have a really different revision tmr. Ganna try to tackle this a different way. WORK BRAIN WORK! Uhhhh, LOL, I don't want to come off as 'lonely' because I'm a very social person naturally. They just didn't think I was good at basketball, and thought of me as a little girl. xD I'm sure this will be a gem. :D Also, the director of the IB program is concerned about social problems because if I do get into IB I will be at a completely different school and in classes with people a grade older. I'm sure this won't be a problem for me, because I have in the past dealt with this before with moving so many times across my city. Don't want to come off to the director the wrong way.

edit:
....OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you're talking about your essay xD I think I'm too tired.
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 11, 2010   #12
Sometimes, I feel like I'm moving away from the biography and outlining interests prompt with all this stuff.

true, but realize that you shouldn't be restrained by the fact that normal biographies list things (they really don't). Biographies tell stories, and that's ultimately what they're trying to find out about, your story. Yet, realize that your goal isn't anything else but to convince them that you will be a good choice, and one of the way of doing so is revolve everything in your life around 1 quality that you possess, that you think will be a big plus in their decision. For instance, many people suicide in college. Why? cuz they don't have the persistence, or the will of going on. Therefore, showing this will be a plus.

I'm not saying that you should take away all your interest and focus on 1 subject. I meant, and believe said, that you need a central theme to TIE all your interests together. So it's answering perfectly the prompt, just in a much more interesting fashion.

I don't want to come off as 'lonely' because I'm a very social person

hahaha, I think you've made a mistake. That outline was...my own essay before I rewrote it. Surprising isn't it? You've got hundreds of students out there who have the same profile as you and me, same background, same grades, same EVERYTHING...except ideas. How do you make a difference then? Through the essays, and that's why essays are so important and so...hard to write. Try to be unique, don't get stuck in the pattern of writing SAT's and school work. College essays should really be who you are, and an unique style is just as important as the contents.

Hope that this discussion helps. How do I know this stuff? My English teacher, graduate from Harvard (I'm only saying this for credibility) opened my eyes and made me realize that my background isn't special, unless I make a story out of it. The essay I've written was pretty much listing the stuff I've done, not what I felt or how I reacted toward these immigrations. What ultimately differentiate you from me is how we react differently to the same event, and that's what you need to show in your essay.

1 more thing. Is IB the same as I'm thinking of? Are you applying to college, or to a HS program?
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 12, 2010   #13
High school program, I'm technically in grade 9 now. (Taking Physical Education 9) I'll be done grade 10 this year. International Baccalaureate is for grade 11 and 12 and finishes a lot of 1st year university. If you want, the website is ibo.org, but not really useful for you to look. xD

Ya, I really admire your pro skills and approach. :D
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 12, 2010   #14
Oh, lol i completely missed my target.

Sry, keep doing what you were doing. My advices--if you could really call them that, since they are completely useless to a sophomore--are misplaced and I apologize for that.

Yea, i recommend you going back your first way and just write like that. I mean, it should be enough for a simple IB program. You'll have enough time to develop an unique style when you get to senior year.

sry for wasting ur time lol, your first draft, with minor corrections, are good for a sophomore and whatever you need to get in with that.

hahahahaha man i was dumb :D

oh, btw, have you taken the SAT yet? well your approach is the standard one and definitely applicable on the essay you have to write for that test.
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 12, 2010   #15
hahahahahaaaa, NO! It's ok. You are very very very helpful, and part of this IB program is all about writing essays. I will have to do that all day long if I do get into this program. I'll combine my first version, with all my other versions and make the most awesomest thing ever. Those directors better watch out, cause I have a pro University dude helping me write my thing. xD You are totally right about the being different thing. Also, you, yourSELF (I REMEBERED) have taken so much time to help me, and I learned a lot. :D So thank you. I'll write my very last version, and post it by Friday. (I hope it's the last unless I need more help) Can you help me check that? Again, I don't know how to thank you enough.

I live in Canada, so I don't take SATs. I will have to take grade 10 provincials this year. They have an entry test end of this month for IB.
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 12, 2010   #16
A canadian trying to get in the IB program...hmm...i see why it would be a challenge. Here, students in some public schools just get in the program if they took some honors classes or such, which makes the program really really easy to get in. Btw, what part of Canada do you live in?

pro University dude

lol i'm nothing but a frustrated 12th grade finding ways to write essays that would help me in the stupid and impersonal college selection process

haha, you sound like a very enthusiastic girl (please don't tell me you're a guy :P), which is a great thing :). I wish you the best of luck on your provincials (i'm so glad that i missed those by 1 year lol) and I enjoyed editing your essays. I'll gladly check your final version.

Bonne chance!
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 12, 2010   #17
IB is all over the world. There are two Ib program schools in my city.

Yup yup, I'm a girl, unless I go though puberty and turn up into something else. JK JK. xD
I live in Vancouver.
My choice for next year would be try to get into IB, or go to A.P. classes or go enriched. IB is my first choice. :D
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 12, 2010   #18
IB is all over the world. There are two Ib program schools in my city.

only 2? lol here there's 1 per almost every school. Personally, i favor schools with AP (advance placement)

so are you aiming at a school in US?

unless I go though puberty and turn up into something else.

haha, you could be the guy who had a baby lol

vancouver, city of the Chinese lol. I lived in Montreal, the exact opposite side come to think of it. How'd you learn french? vancouver doesn't enforce french right?

ah, so you do have AP programs...does the AP exam come with it? lol i love those...except for the prices haha. you should take AP...simply they're more awesome and they actually have standardized testing that doesn't make everyone look smart.

well IB's cool too. I don't exactly know the system you abide by, nor how IB works (although i know people in IB...who def. shouldn't be, but the AP exam shows who shouldn't be in AP, which is awesome in my humble opinion) so i can't judge (i've done enough of that right? haha)
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 12, 2010   #19
LOLOLOLOOOLOOLLLLLLLLLL! Are you phychic? hahahaha, last year we had this terrible Mini School Math teacher and he was such a terrible teacher, that many kids failed and dropped out of Mini because of him. He has like the biggest beer belly, but he's soo skinny! We all called him the pregnant man and made whole bunch of jokes behide his back. LOL, like planning to kill his baby. We're like maybe we should ask him when he is due? Man, kids are mean. xD

We only have AP in one school. Enriched in all schools.
IB is in a different box when you go into university, just like AP. If you really want to know about it, then visit the ibo.org place.

Ya, City of the Chinese! HIYA, we are going to take over the world.
You have to take French in grade 8, but I chose to continue taking it till grade 12, because I live in Canada and that would be more useful than any other lanuage. Chinese is my native lanuage, so no point in trying to learn it.
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 12, 2010   #20
ok, i completely don't get the psychic part with the rest of the terrible teacher story...my guess would be psychic part's for college, then the rest's a digression?

He has like the biggest beer belly, but he's soo skinny!

how does that happen?

We all called him the pregnant man and made whole bunch of jokes behide his back.

lol i wouldn't do that! i'd just tell him in his face lol

IB is in a different box when you go into university

That, you're wrong. We are all in the same box, you know why? cuz we all got the same stuff lol. Chinese/pacific asian = AP, honors, IB, whatever you call those

we are going to take over the world.

haha, we already have *blink*

because I live in Canada and that would be more useful than any other lanuage

true, so you want to stay in canada? if so, then why bother with the IB crap? just go to Mcgill or U Toronto or something.

Chinese is my native lanuage, so no point in trying to learn it.

还记得中文么?well, if you came here at the age of what? 8? it'd be surprising if you've got any Chinese left...unless you have a freakish liking of books (i still looove chinese books) and your mom doesn't speak any other language (or very poorly)...like me lol :D
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 12, 2010   #21
Well, you said: haha, you could be the guy who had a baby lol
That totally reminded me of that prego teacher. Ya I'm pretty random.
LOL, once my friend asked in class if he was a woman and on maturnity leave, would he still get paid. The class just like bursted in laughter while prego man tried looking like he was pregnant. HAHA Obviously it wasn't very hard for him.

hahaa, if we say it to his face, he will fail us all on purpose!

I have no idea how he has a beerbelly and skinny at same time, IT IS A MIRACLE! ONLY EXPLANATION: PREGNANCY.

Me and you are in the same box? lol, I think you misunderstood. Probably because I didn't really explain it. During the info. night for Ib, they said on University applications, they have a separate boxes for you to check if you went to AP, or IB because apparently Universities recognize the 'superiority' of the IB program.

Ya, I found this letter I never mailed when I first came to Canada about my expierences with little ducks I saw and stuff. I had great hand writing and could write whole sentenses! I had no idea how I did that, because I don't remember any Chinese now.

It's not that I want to stay in Canada, it's that I want to keep my options open. I would be very open to moving to US.

OK.... on to actual biography work, we getting sidetracked. xD Can you check it for me, and shorten it in anyway? I'm more than 100 words over 500. I found out my friend who got in IB and is almost done IB actually listed all her interests in point form and submitted it. She did Pre-IB for a year, and didn't really need to send in a biography, because the directors already knew her and her work. This same friend also told me not to write I want to join IB because I want to challenge myself. The IB directors which she already knows told her that is much of lies and crap. hahaa I didn't want to erase all my time-consuming revisions, so I decided just to keep it the way it is. Sorry, I just completely got rid of transition because it wouldn't fit into the page. (1 page is max)

I was born in the beautiful province of -----------, China. The heavy workloads in China's schools and Piano lessons made me develop self-discipline at a young age.

The major influence in my life is my mom. My mom inspires me to challenge myself and strive for excellence. She raised me all by herself since I was born and brought me to Canada when I was 8 so I could have more opportunities. She worked in so many late hour jobs to support our family. She could have chosen the easier life in China, but instead she chose to move to Canada. She told me never to worry about her, but to concentrate on my own goals. She taught me to learn as much as I could because as she says in Chinese: "knowledge is infinite power".

Bedtime stories always excited me, and sprouted my love for reading. I read anything from Fiction to Historical. In grade four, I tried to read Harry Potter but I couldn't understand it, so my mom made me search up every word I didn't know in the dictionary. Then I had to search up unknown words from the definition. It was exhausting, but I finished the book. This skill had stayed with me and the dictionary has been immensely helpful. My English skills shot up from reading and ever since, I found out books are powerfully engaging containing the most fascinating wells of knowledge. Books are an addiction to me now; I always have a pile of books on my nightstand.

I went to ------------'s Mini School program and found it hard in the beginning. I almost even failed French, my weakest subject, because I had no time to work on it when I had 5 other accelerated subjects to worry about. Four of my friends had already decided to drop out of Mini School, and few low marks really discouraged me. I wasn't a quitter, and I have been through tougher obstacles before! I looked at my problems more closely and realized I been a big procrastinator for a while. I began to use my agenda and planned minutely everything I would be doing during the day. At first I felt I didn't have any free time, and frustration often took over me. After a few weeks of careful time management, I started having whole weekends to relax and tests were no longer stressful. As a result of this experience, my organization and efficiency skills tremendously improved.

Challenges occur mentally, but physically as well. I love sports, and I joined a variety of teams, from football to badminton. My favourite would be basketball. It was new to me when I first joined in grade 4, but I love new experiences. Being the youngest, shortest, and a clumsy girl, everyone thought I would be terrible. I hated it when people under-estimated me; it only made me try harder. Though I was not great, I listened carefully to the coach and never missed a practice. When it came down to sports, I fought through injuries and discrimination to play my best on the floor. Basketball taught me cooperation and teamwork. By the end of the season, I was not only a strong player, but I also earned the team's respect and the Most Inspirational Award and MVP.

I participate in many things. I'm in the International Action Club that fundraises to build a school in Ecuador. I'm also a big fan of art, from textiles to painting because I'm a creative person. Just this year, I realize I'm passionate about Theatre Arts and hope to join a school's theatre company. Performing just feels natural and exhilarating to me.

Ultimately, I have always loved learning and IB would be my biggest opportunity to learn. I do want to contribute to --------------'s many clubs, teams and the global community. I can make the world better by doing small things like planning fundraisers, and volunteering. I love nothing more than the feeling of accomplishment and knowing my efforts are worthwhile. I am a well-rounded, self motivated learner that could apply my skills to any obstacle.
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 13, 2010   #22
they have a separate boxes for you to check if you went to AP, or IB because apparently Universities recognize the 'superiority' of the IB program.

2 things here. AP should be different cuz here, it's like classes. There's no program you go to for 24/7 where you just do AP, but rather they are high leveled classes you can choose to take.

Also, they're bullshitting as far as i'm concerned. colleges don't really go through the efforts of "boxing" IB programs and putting them separately cuz they're superior...that's purely for marketing purpose. Well...it depends on what kind of college, but i can assure you that where you want to go (assuming it's somewhere good) won't do that. good colleges are WAYYYYY too pretentious to care about IB programs, plus, it'd be like...a huge box.

yea...programs are like businesses, and the info night people are like salesmen...THEY LIE

I think your ideas are good, so I'll just point out every repetition you've got.

Then I had to search up unknown words from the definition.

This skill had stayed with me and the dictionary has been immensely helpful.

Books are an addiction to me now; I always have a pile of books on my nightstand.

5

Four of my friends had already decided to drop out of Mini School

Above are things that you either need to take out, or merge with the next/previous sentence.

I was 8 so I could

eight so that

search up

look up.

found it hard

found the workload

At first I felt I didn't have any free time, and frustration often took over me

i think i said this already, when you only have 2 elements, you don't put a comma before and

I love sports, and I joined

sports and joined...same prob

but I love new experiences

hmm...i missed this, but it's unnecessary.

4

btw, it's FOUR

everyone thought I would be terrible

so everyone

I hated it when people under-estimated me; it only made me try harder. Though I was not great, I listened carefully to the coach and never missed a practice.

Since I hated being underestimated by others, I decided to try my hardest to gain their respect.
Although I was not a great player...

When it came down to sports, I fought through injuries and discrimination to play my best on the floor. Basketball taught me cooperation and teamwork.

kill these

By the end of the season, I was not only a strong player, but I also earned the team's respect and the Most Inspirational Award and MVP.

I became a strong player and earned the MIA (what you had) and MVP. Basketball taught me to persist and do my best even when odds are against me.

I'm also a big fan of art, from textiles to painting because I'm a creative person.

idk, i'd leave this out simply cuz the fact that you're creative doesn't mean that you have to be a fan of art

Just this year, I realize I'm passionate about Theatre Arts and hope to join a school's theatre company.

This year, I realized my passion for Theater Arts and hoped to join...btw it depends on your preference but i'd use theater since it's an english word as opposed to its french version.

I participate in many things. I'm in the International Action Club that fundraises to build a school in Ecuador. I'm also a big fan of art, from textiles to painting because I'm a creative person. Just this year, I realize I'm passionate about Theatre Arts and hope to join a school's theatre company. Performing just feels natural and exhilarating to me.

this entire paragraph feels...weird. it's like you're simply trying to add stuff to sound more diverse and passionate. I prefer quality over quantity, so since you don't actually have anything to say about those activities, i'd suggest dropping it or integrate, very concisely, into your conclusion. Like say: I also participate in many other activities such as blabla and blabla. All these passions of mine culminated into the forming of a girl who is motivated to learn and try new things. I hope that with blabla, I'll contribute... add another or 2 sentences for your conclusion to sum it up. This way, I feel that your conclusion can be less...frivolous and more concise.

btw, this thread is out of place. that's why i misunderstood you for a senior at the beginning.
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Jan 14, 2010   #23
hahaha, those people are really salesmen. You have to pay like 10 dollers just to send in your application. Then if you get in, you have to pay 1200 more for 2 years, while they said The School Board pays for most of it.

lol frivolous, what a cool word. xD

I just patched up those mistakes you told me, and I think I really do have a gem compared to my first version. Hopefully, IB people are really looking for a well written essay instead of a list.

OOOOO, few more years till I'm a senior and I'm sure enjoying my carefree life now. :D

I think you spent quite a lot of time helping me, even though it was because of misunderstanding in the beginning, so I THANK YOU. THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES A BILLION WHICH EQUALS A ZILLION. (I think?)

March 5 is when the Acceptance notices are sent, and I think it would be cool to let you know if I got in or not. If I did, I bet your help in my biography was a major deciding factor ;D
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 14, 2010   #24
You have to pay like 10 dollers just to send in your application.

lol, that's so...little. We have to pay from like 45-80 for an application, depending on the level of the school
Also, for those AP exams i was talking about, we have to pay 86!!! i took 7 last year, so i payed 602 for all my tests...

frivolous

i know, it's cheesy (hahaha, word play)

Hopefully, IB people are really looking for a well written essay instead of a list.

if your resume/your life is as varied as you put it in your essay, you'll get in for sure. Unless they are just blind people

few more years till I'm a senior and I'm sure enjoying my carefree life now

yea, well for me it's over lol, good life!

well, yea, lemme know just post something here if you can. but we both know what the decision will be XD
OP i_m_mimi 1 / 13  
Mar 22, 2010   #25
Hey Yang, long time no talk. xD
I just wanted to say thanks a lot for helping me again. :D
I GOT IN :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
They lost my acceptance letter in the mail and then my friend's mom went to the IB office and found out I got in and that they were kind of sad that they lost my mail.

So yay

Well the acceptances notices were sent on like March 5 and the deadline for response is March 22 and I just found out today. I better go beat the deadline. xD


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