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Is my asian immigration essay too cliche?


jessie270 1 / 1  
Aug 31, 2009   #1
A week before my thirteenth birthday, my parents got divorced. Shattered and wounded, I stumbled into another life-altering event: my mother decided to move to America with me. Having said the hardest goodbye to my dad, I abandoned fifteen years of life in this small town of western china and landed in a world of unknowns.

I retrieved to a vulnerable newborn infant. First day of school blurred into a memory of being surrounded by indecipherable syllables and feeling helpless. I spoke broken English. I was placed in the most basic ESL classes. One day, I was told by a teacher I could hardly get into the state college: It felt like a bucket of ice-water poured onto my face, enraging the invincibility in my blood. For the next few months, I read like mad, from children's book to Pride and Prejudice, carrying a dictionary everywhere. Although nervous, I raised my hand more often in class, accumulating bits of confidence as I made coherent speeches. I would stand in front of a mirror, changing how my tongue moved to correct the eccentric accent. Desired to improve articulation, I made a brave decision: joining Forensics and Debate team.

That debater's words flew towards me like bullets from a machine gun; it was so fast I struggled to grasp its meaning. Panicked and embarrassed, I stuttered a speech that made the coach frowned on the first day. After countless practice rounds though, I gradually became accustomed to the speaking style, learned to form impactful arguments and expressed them clearly. It was amazing how far I had come; I was once rated the top speaker and qualified for the state tournament.

My confidence in speaking transformed me: no longer was I the introverted, inarticulate recluse, I enjoy having many friends. I was chosen to represent our robotics team by giving speech to hundreds of people; I promoted school activities by talking to individual classes; I organized school dances and community service. Finally, I was elected Student Council class treasurer and National Honor Society President. Raised above the crowd to be a leader, I am so glad that I made the decision of being strong and obstinate on that day, when someone told me success was impossible.

is this too cliche? how should I make it standout?
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 31, 2009   #2
is this too cliche? how should I make it standout?

This is the question that have the most trouble with because I sincerely believe that it is up to the writer to make their essay shine.

Desired to improve articulation, I made a brave decision: joining Forensics and Debate team.

Joining the Debate team should be counter productive in terms of articulation. ;) Although I admire your courage.

That debater's words flew towards me like bullets from a machine gun; it was so fast I struggled to grasp its meaning.

This is when you ask for all of his card during crossex and read them all to yourself. I digress...

My confidence in speaking transformed me: no longer was I the introverted, inarticulate recluse, I enjoy having many friends.

I don't see how debate can make you less introverted in real life. Debate always seemed like an alternate reality to me. One filled with 100% nuclear war in the forecast.

I don't think that your essay is cliche. It would be nice if you supplied the prompt also.
OP jessie270 1 / 1  
Aug 31, 2009   #3
lol. Hi we are all debaters! I usually just go up to the speaker and take all his/her cards during the speech.. don't know if that's legal though.

the thing about nuclear war is it gets confusing when both aff. and neg. pull the same card about nuclear war at the end.. haha I don't know if you know that famous 95 card.. (digress)

sorry that I forgot about the prompt. it is:
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced. How did you manage
the situation?
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 31, 2009   #4
I retrieved to a vulnerable newborn infant

Nope. Try again.

enraging the invincibility in my blood

And again, no.

I was once rated the top speaker and qualified for the state tournament.

Top speaker in your class? your school? your country? the world?

I am so glad that I made the decision of beingto be strong and obstinate on that day

"obstinate" has negative connotations. Try "determined" or "resolute" instead.

Your essay isn't really cliched. The topic is fairly common, but being on a debate team looks good to admissions officers, and doing it in a newly acquired second language is especially impressive.
eaglez1177 2 / 6  
Sep 1, 2009   #5
I dont think its too cliche, just as long as you think the readers will see it as "unique".
dccb 1 / 10  
Sep 2, 2009   #6
Cliché? No. It feels unique and personal to me.


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