Ilani,
Thanks for sharing your essay. Please review my corrections and let
me know what you think about them. Overall, well done.
I changed the tense in the first paragraph so that the reader isn't confused
about when these forts were constructed. I also noted places in the essay
that would benefit from more detail. In the admissions department, there are
two types of essays: decided majors and undecided majors. Unfortunately, yours
falls into the latter type. It's the reason I crossed out the last sentence. If you
had said you were going to major in so-and-so and discover this theory or have
written a published novel and wanted to further develop such-and-such, then I
may have neen more sympathetic. However, that's not the case here. Peter Pan
has been used so many times over the years anyways. If you want
original you have to come up with something original yourself. Originality is an art.
PS I chose to respond to your essay, b/c I too constructed many many pillow forts.
It was one of my favorite things to do aside from balancing on the top of an old sofa
and jumping down steps. How did I never break a bone?