Hello. This is my first time on this site, so please do correct me if I do anything wrong. I had to answer ApplyTexas Essay B for a class assignment and have decided to use this essay for admissions. I would very mcuh appreciate any and all feedback.
CONFLICT LIFE
PROMPT: Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how?
Growing up I was always the wallflower, the ugly duckling, the odd one out. All I craved, all I wanted was to have a place in this world. To find out just exactly where it was that I belonged. I tried looking for this place at home, but my three sisters were like the three musketeers; they had their own interests and mine just didn't add up to theirs. When I finally went to school I hoped to find my niche there, but for a good while that too did not go down as planned. I eventually felt quenched of all hope and accepted the fact that nowhere is where I belonged.
It was not until the spring semester of my freshman year that things began to shake up for me. That spring I signed up for an advanced placement computer science course. I had always had an interest in programming, but the one thing holding me back this time was the fact that it was a class notorious for being a "guy's class". Signing up for the course was basically equivalent to me signing up to stand out. After much consideration I finally submitted my course list for the upcoming school year. I basically had realized that I had nothing to lose. I had no external expectations, my pride was at an all time low, and embarrassment and failure were two of my best friends. Come that fall I was in the class and out of about twenty-eight guys there was only five girls. Even with five other girls in the class I still felt self-conscious. I was clearly outnumbered and bound to stand out. I contemplated dropping the course, but finally just decided to stick it out and do my own thing. As time went on I did eventually stand out, but it was not because I was a girl or a weird one at that. It was because I was good at programming and with the risk of sounding pretentious I must say I was one of the best in the class. By the end of the year I knew I had found where I belonged and what I should be doing and made the choice to continue onto the second year and although only five others continued with me, none of whom were girls, it did not seem to phase me one bit this time around. Now I am in my third year of computer science with plans of eventually getting a degree in it and making a career out of it. It is crazy to think that three years ago I was struggling with trying to find my place in this world. It is even crazier to think that I almost gave up that chance to find out where I belong because of what others would think of me.
For years I had tried so hard to fit in and to find my place in this world. It got to the point where I was ready to settle for whatever as long as it made me blend in with everyone else, but as said time and again even when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I made the choice to dance as if everybody was watching, I marched to the beat of my own drum and finally I refused to conform and that has helped me realize that the place where I most belong in this world is the place of programming.
I eventually felt quenched of all hope and accepted the fact that nowhere is where I belonged.
Perfect! Wow, we are lucky to have your participation..
For years I had tried so-- This sentence can be omitted, because it expresses the idea that has already been expressed.
I hope you help some other people in this community sometimes, because we can all benefit from your great way with language. I like a lot of the sentences in this essay; you probably know the ones.. those excellent sentences like "signing up to stand out"..
I refused to conform and that has helped me realize that the place where I most belong in this world is the place of programming. -----Maybe you need another sentence to explain how nonconformist = career in programming. (It's a little ironic that you belong in programming when you are someone who, as a nonconformist, resisted the programming.)
- When you say the three musketeers, you mean your sisters all share the same interests and you were not allowed to join them even though you had the same interests as they.. So you were D'artagnan, the unofficial musketeer in this scenario? That does not sound like the way described this. You sounded more like you were describing your sisters with individual interests and each of them refused to let you into their specific worlds. Perhaps the musketeers would not be the best way to describe them?- To quench means to finally remove the thirst or dry sensation. That is not what happened to you. I suggest you use the word defeated instead.- Bring this up to the first paragraph. Place it at the end of the last sentence so that this can serve as your transition sentence into the next paragraph.but the one thing holding me back this time was the fact that it was a class notorious for being a "guy's class"
- Notorious has a negative connotation. Just because a class is more often enjoyed by men does not make it a bad thing for women to join. Perhaps using the term "known" in place of notorious would put a more positive spin on your predicament.I basically had realized that I had nothing to lose. I had no external expectations, my pride was at an all time low, and embarrassment and failure were two of my best friends.
out of about twenty-eight guys there was only five girls
- ... there
were only ...
- You should already be discussing the method by which you overcame your desire to drop out of the class. Explain how the computer studies helped you find a place to belong. Right now, you are telling us a lot of things, but nothing that shows how your activity helped you overcome your obstacle of finding a place in this world or in school.- This is a strong closing statement. I suggest you keep it without changes as the final message of your essay :-) 