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'Who do you want to be' - My answers would vary daily, from baker to ballerina


powwow 1 / -  
Aug 5, 2015   #1
Help on my admissions essay! Any tips to make it better? Also needs help with grammar.

Considering lifetime goals, discuss how your current and future academic and extra-curricular activities might help you achieve your goals.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" It's a question every child is asked a countless amount of times. My answers would vary daily, from baker to ballerina. Although young, I couldn't help but feel the approaching life-changing decision I would have to make when college came around. I was worried I would never come across one career that I loved the most. It wasn't until I stopped the search and simply took a look right in front of me, at my personal doctors, otherwise known as my parents. Growing up with both my mom and my dad as doctors have made me a different type of student than most of my classmates. I learned at a young age a strict work ethic, a need to excel beyond average, and an intense desire to help people. Realizing this, made the path to medicine not only the obvious choice, but the only career that would truly fit.

Since I knew that the medical field was one of the hardest out there, and in order to prepare for what was to come academically, I insisted on taking on the most vigorous classes my school offered. Advanced science classes, such as biology, chemistry, and physics, and advanced mathematics, such as Pre-Cal and Calculus, helped push my boundaries of studying. Scoring anything less than an A became unacceptable, which taught me to become accustomed to putting school first. I also took a Health Science class which focused on medical terminology and anatomy. Through this class, I was accepted into the clinical rotation program at my high school where we will shadow and perform rounds at local hospitals. This coursework gave me an insight of the types of classes I will be expected to take during college and the subject matter my major would focus on. My choice to go into medicine was confirmed when these classes quickly became my favorite.

Outside of school, I shadowed doctors at a hospital my father worked at. I was able to learn so many things just from observing, such as what it truly meant to be a doctor. It was easy to tell that a doctor's life is a busy and tiring one, however, I learned it was always worth it when a patient left satisfied. This summer, I was hired at as a student intern at an oral and facial surgery practice. I spent my summer helping patients and witnessing surgeries, it was one the best experiences I have had the chance to be a part of. I learned first hand how to interact with patients and was taught the basic runnings of a practice.

Throughout it all, my aspiration was always to attend the best university in the state and major in biology. It was this aspiration that led me to the University of Texas at Austin. I know this school will give me the most proper and prestige education to further my goals. With the help of my past schoolwork and all my experiences, I hope to be able to fulfill my childhood dreams, follow in my parent's footsteps, and become a doctor that wakes up every day feeling eager to go to work.
zeperte 1 / 1  
Aug 7, 2015   #2
I was able to learn so many things just from observing. I think you can use "simply" in this meaning.
ChristineB - / 108 55  
Aug 7, 2015   #3
Hello. I'll help with your word choice and style.

It's a question every child is asked a countless amount of times.

You don't need "a" or "amount of." Let me show you:
It's a question every child is asked a countless amount of times.

Although young, I couldn't help but feel the approaching life-changing decision I would have to make when college came around.

You need another descriptive word for the "life-changing decision." Try not to end sentences with prepositions if you can avoid it ("around"). Here are my suggestions:

Although young, I couldn't help but feel the weight of the approaching life-changing decision I would have to make when it came time for college came around .

It wasn't until I stopped the search and simply took a look right in front of me, at my personal doctors, otherwise known as my parents.

The second half of this sentence is wordy but incomplete. Let me suggest a way to improve its style:
It wasn't until I stopped the search and simply took a look right in front of me, at my personal doctors, otherwise known aslooked at my parents, both doctors, that I arrived at my decision .

Growing up with both my mom and my dad as doctors have made me a different type of student than most of my classmates.

You should omit the word "have." Let me show you:
Growing up with both my mom and my dad as doctors have made me a different type of student than most of my classmates.

I learned at a young age a strict work ethic, a need to excel beyond average, and an intense desire to help people.

There needs to be a verb in front of "a strict work ethic;" "a need to" should be omitted; and a verb is needed before "an intense desire." I'll demonstrate:

I learned at a young age to uphold a strict work ethic, a need to excel beyond average, and cultivate an intense desire to help people.

Realizing this, made the path to medicine not only the obvious choice, but the only career that would truly fit.

I think you need to clarify what "this" is. Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "this." Here are my suggestions:

Realizing this,my passion for becoming a doctor made the path to medicine not only the obvious choice, but the only career that would truly fit.

I hope that helps you a little :)
magged - / 1  
Aug 9, 2015   #4
I like your essay, but it seems like you tried to sum everything up into one essay. You go from your parents being doctors to taking advanced courses to shadowing. I would choose one specific moment like maybe one of your days shadowing, and then describing that moment. State how you got there, why you chose to shadow, how as a child you never thought of being a doctor. When admissions officers read your essay they already see your rigorous classes and experiences.This essay is for them to see you as a person. Remember to show, don't tell. Show them your interest in biology and not just tell them. I hope I helped.
jojony1 4 / 5  
Aug 9, 2015   #5
I would have to agree with the person that commented before me you have your topic but i want to know who you are, why your really wanting to help people, what kind of doctor do u wanna be etc its nice that you did these classes and interned but expand on it how it shaped you and grounded u as a upcoming doctor in the near future schools will see the classes u took but maybe go more into detail about ur interning like the person that commented before me said show show show right now what i read was more about all that u did which we can see from ur transcripts which i like u added how u wanted to get into these classes to be in the top of ur game because u wanted to know everything and be fully prepared for what was to come for what u confirmed as ur life calling medicine something like that take it deeper
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Aug 30, 2015   #6
- ...every child is asked a countless amount of times.
- ...have to make when college camecome around.
- At a young age I learned at a young age a strict work ethic,..

- I insisted on taking on the most vigorous classes my school offered.
- ...it was one of the best experiences...
- ...taught the basic runningsrun-ins of a practice.
- Throughout it all,..
- ...that led me to the University of Texas atin Austin.
- I know this schoolinstitution will giveprovide me the most..
- ...properguidance and prestige education to further my goals.
- With theThe help of my past schoolwork and all my experiences,
-...follow in my parent's footsteps,...

Way to go doctor!!! I hope my little help matters.


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