Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application

Part A "We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment
on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

My hand shakes as I grip the buzzer.
The moderator asks: "In Erwin Schrodinger's model of the atom, what did he replace electrons with?"
As I try and recollect information from my physics class, I hear a buzz. I glance to my left and see my teammate's box light up. "De Broglie Waves" he says. It's correct and we are given a bonus group question. This question rings a bell, but I am uncertain. After discussing it with my teammates we arrive at a final answer. We get the extra point, which ends the round.

Andover High School has a science team, although the word 'team' should be used loosely. They compete separately, even against each other, and the points are added up at the end. While it is an excellent academic experience, I was looking for something that involved working with others. After many Google searches, I found the perfect competition: National Science Bowl. I put up fliers and began recruiting. While our team studied, I had the opportunity to work with some of the brightest students in our grade. The top five students from our school competed at the regional competition and although we did not place first, it was unbelievably worthwhile. Each student on the team was brilliant, but had a distinctive thought process. Having a thousand students who think exactly the same does not even begin to compare to just five students with completely different ways of thinking. I have a unique reasoning that will contribute to the diversity of University of Michigan.

Part C
Describe a setback that you have faced.How
did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect
you? If something similar happened in the
future, how would you react?

"Could she be any slower?" I thought to myself as the middle-aged woman finally appeared from the big metal doors. I studied her face which was completely void of any happiness. Before she even said, I had known it. We missed our flight. But even just hearing her say, "I'm sorry, they are already for take-off", was like getting sucker-punched in the gut. Any other time, missing my flight would be okay, but I had to be on that flight back to Massachusetts. The following the day I would be attending a summer pre-college program, and I had already missed orientation. Being late even one more day would mean missing classes, which result in not being able to attend the program. Hyperventilating, I attentively studied the "Departures" board, looking for the next flight to Munich and calculating whether or not we would catch our connecting flight from there.

We were sent to the Transfer Services, who then informed us that we had to call our airline company, all the while losing precious minutes. At this rate we would never get on the next flight. Finally, we found a phone in a lounge and while my dad was on the phone, I paced nervously behind him chomping down potato chips. My brother snatched the bag away from me, so I began chugging soda. I could not function; all I could do was gape at the fact that my dad was now listing dates and times that were in the next week. I glanced around hoping my mother and brother would share this incredulity. Instead, I was shocked to find them leisurely on the computer playing Text Twist and checking their email. Why were they not _______ (freaking out)? And then I thought "Why am I freaking out?" I was stressed and with all the bad outcomes zipping through my mind, I did not even stop to realize how unproductive (WC?) I was. Stuffing my face and ____ over my dad would not change anything.

So, I took a deep breath, walked over to the nearest computer and googled every local college I could think of. I was not taking any chances; if I could not attend the summer program, I was not going to slum around (WC) at home all summer. Hours past and while searching for dance classes, my dad's face appeared behind my computer screen. The next flight with openings was four days later. It was disappointing, but it was okay, because in just those few hours I already had a summer course, dance classes and job lined up.

My summer, by no means, worked out the way I had planned. Instead of meeting new people from all over the country (<does this make sense?), I was taking a class with students in their mid-twenties and serving fried food, while sore from a day of dance. If I had not calmed down, I am not sure I would have ended up with the same summer. Pacing around will not magically make four seats appear on an airplane. Being able to relax, allowed me to solve my problem. I know that frantically dwelling on the past will not change anything, but if I relax, I can begin to find real solutions.

I know my closing needs work. These are all rough drafts! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

The last sentence is neither backed up nor does it flow with the conclusion.


This experience fills up half of your essay but has nothing to do with the question at hand. It does not lead up to your attempt at answering the question either in your second paragraph.

With the first essay, i got a little lost especially with the ending. how did your unique reasoning contribute? what is it like? i never heard of it it was just that you put up fliers and found 5 people and it was a great expirience. could you maybe explain why the expirience was worthwhile?

i liked the second paragraph all the way to the part when you start "While our team studied, I had the opportunity to work with some of the brightest students in our grade."

and for the second essay, i would like you to explain that maybe you liked how your summer turned out even thought the summer program didnt work. it sounded like you ended up with that summer and it happened and yeah it wasnt the program you wanted but you still had an almost exciting summer. so try to maybe make it sound a little more chipper, it sounds sad cause you didnt get in. also the ending you could turn into something like

"thanks to that expirience i know that dwelling on the past wont solve anything and in the future i will look with my head high, not flip out and think up solutions/not waste time". maybe something like that so that you can show that that is how you would act in the future to situations like that.

just my two cents.

There are grammar essays, but I will point out the most obvious one, which is that your first paragraph needs to be in the past tense.

You do not really say why the whole thing was worthwhile.
If everyone on your 'team' thought differently, then how did you share ideas?
A 'unique reasoning'? Please, do not flatter yourself like this with your essays. If your reasoning really was unique, you would have reasoned parts of your essay that need the necessary reasoning.

Also, you do not talk about diversity at all. You just say that you were in a group with five kids, all of whom thought differently.

In your second paragraph, in the early parts, you ramble way too much . As a reader, I already knew where it was going however I did not need five other sentences reading what I already knew in advance. This encouraged me to skim read the essay, and I may have also missed out some important parts just because I assumed that they were unimportant.

So advice: Trim out unnecessary sentences.

The first essay is a lively and engaging narrative that has next to nothing to do with the prompt. You can stay with this story if and only if you are able to describe the different cognitive styles of yourself and your teammates and if your own style is sufficiently singular that you can explain your assertion that your way of thinking will bring diversity to a university already teeming with thinkers.

Hi, Yeah, originally my first essay was for an activities prompt and I tried to change it..clearly I failed.

I was wondering if I could have more feedback on the second essay! Thanks

Revised Ending:

My summer, by no means, worked out the way I had planned. Despite not being able to attend the program, I found myself thoroughly enjoying my summer. If I had not calmed down, I would not have ended up with the same experience I had that summer. Pacing around will not magically make four seats appear on an airplane, but being able to relax allowed me to solve my problem. Thanks to this experience, I know that frantically dwelling on the past will not change anything. In the future, instead of being disconcerted, I will find solutions.

Is this better?

New Diversity Essay: "We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment
on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

As I walked through the back door, I was immediately hit by the stench of fried food. It was my first day working at a local amusement park in a Mexican food stand. I was introduced to my fellow coworkers and was shocked to find that I would be working with people actually from Mexico. But it wasn't only Mexicans; there were people from China, Turkey and the Dominican Republic too. They were all apart of a program that brought international students to America to work. Having a terrible ear for accents, I thought it was going to be difficult for me to communicate with them. I soon learned that connecting with someone relies on more than just words.

When the park was busy, as I took an order, one of my co-workers would begin to prepare the food. It may be confusing, as five or six people worked per shift. Yet, when I turned around, I would know who was helping with that certain order, just by eye contact. We were able to connect, despite a language and cultural barrier.

I have gained a lot of respect for different cultures and the vibrant environment the blending of cultures creates. Through this experience, I know how diversity can actually bring people together. I feel my respect and knowledge will enhance the diversity of the University of Michigan.

Much better! Still very lively but now on point.

Thank You!!