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ambitious, challenging and adaptable, why BU? and three words describe myself


answers: 1
Dec 28, 2009, 11:19pm   #
Hi,
This is my first time ever writing a thread in the essayforum, and I have to confess that I am not a good writer. So, I am really thirsty of critics on my two essays for Boston University. Any comment regarding any (or even both!) of the two essays would be much appreciative :D



In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us. Characters available 750

Boston University is located in Boston, the place where many colleges and universities are located. This single fact already establishes the incentive for applying to Boston University, as I can have opportunity to interact with other people, share diverse ideas, and also get higher access to internship programs. From both college talk I had in my high school and BU's website, I found internship programs in political science of working in five world's leading countries particularly intriguing. Moreover, BU's Collaborative Degree Program allowed me to achieve my ultimate goal of studying law in a graduate school by taking both College of Arts and Science and College of Communication.



Essay #1: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

Upon the arrival in the Philippines, I experienced culture shock. The school system was different, the culture was different, and I was bullied by some of Koreans for me being unwelcomed outsider to them. It was difficult to adapt to the environment, to study in foreign language, and to make new friends under the hostile condition, all at once. However, I managed to solve these problems within an year through active involvement in sports, clubs as well as through establishing bonding relationship with teachers by seeking their advice to overcome the difficulty. As I solved one problem over another, I found myself gaining high honors from the freshmen year of high school, and being recognized by almost all of freshmen for my active involvement in drama. I was then confident of myself. This is the first definition of me: I am adaptable person who can easily deal with any kind of environment I would be.

But I did not satisfy with just adapting to the environment for I am ambitious person who holds idealistic goals under the realistic method. It was time to contribute what I could do to the school that raised me up, shaped the characteristic of who I am now. So, I assigned myself a new task, a new challenge, which was different from maintaining high honor while getting into varsity sports team or having oneself involved in various community services and spends most of the weekends carrying blocks, shoveling or playing with children. The challenge was simple yet difficult: to create something from nothing.

From junior year, I was in technical editor in newly established online publication and started to create a new publication website that would disseminate information to students. In terms of attracting students, the school was more of laissez-faire economy driven by the 'invisible hand' of students' demand. In a competitive system like this, it was obvious that the website must stand out, visually appealing and interesting. Through expanding its structure and function beyond news, our publication managed to obtain substantial number of users regularly visiting the website, and the contents became richer. Though I have achieved my original goal, I did not satisfy with it. My ambition on the publication was to make it sustainable. That is, it needs to maintain the same degree of popularity and efficiency all the time, and I am not certain to declare that the publication stands out longer.

To conclude, I am a person who is ambitious, challenging and adaptable. Our era is perhaps the only period that experiences rapid change around the world, with political power being transitioned from one to another, new mobile phones are introduced, and paradigms are shifted amongst minds of people. Boston University is the great place to excel my ambition as it has diverse student body. At the same time, it also provides numerous, almost infinite numbers of activities to students. This is the great setting to show one's ability not only in academics, but also in my interest areas.

Dec 28, 2009, 11:35pm   #
First off, some corrections on the second one. I have to say, there are a lot of mistakes...

1. I managed to solve these problems within an year through active involvement in sports...
Make sure to change to to "a"!

2.However, I managed to solve these problems within an year through active involvement in sports, clubs as well as through establishing bonding relationship with teachers by seeking their advice to overcome the difficulty.
I recommend: However, within a year I managed to solve these problems through active involvement in sports, clubs, and through establishing strong relationships with teachers who gave me advice about overcoming my difficulties.

3. As I solved one problem over another I found myself gaining high honors from the freshmen year of high school, and being recognized by almost all of freshmen for my active involvement in drama
As I solved one problem after another I found that I gained high honors in my freshman year of high school. Almost all my classmates began to recognize me for my active involvement in theater.

4. I was then confident of myself. This is the first definition of me: I am adaptable person who can easily deal with any kind of environment I would be.
At last I began to gain confidence in myself as I began to realize one of the things that defined me: I am an adaptable person who can adjust to almost any kind of environment.

5. But I did not satisfy with just adapting to the environment for I am ambitious person who holds idealistic goals under the realistic method.
However, I am an ambitious person and simply adapting to a new environment did not satisfy me.
(I am not sure what you are trying to say in that part about goals and methods... try rephrasing)


That is about all I can do for now. You are off to a good start, and when you get past all the basic structural and grammatical mistakes this is a good essay. Try to get a friend or a teacher who is good with words to go through this with you. With some help it could answer the question well. Good luck! :)



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