Almost dead - A ruff lesson; interesting interaction you've had with someone different than yourself

I am not sure of spelling and grammer ussage. Please comment and critique freely. I always appriciate the feedback I get on this website! Also, can this be the college essay for the common app prompt about the background story or a person that influenced me...?

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

The essay was actually written to the following Yale-NUS prompt:

Please describe an interesting interaction you've had with someone different than yourself. Who was the person and what was the nature of the interaction?

Almost dead

A girl lay unconscious between two desks, completely ignored by Aleksey Michialovich, our teacher. Aleksey Michailovich continued walking around the room in his usual confident strides, knowing the students would not dare defy his direct demand. He had ordered all of us to ignore the girl and go on studying: "I will not lose any time on this. Everybody listen, we will now check your homework." Being well known for applying overly strict measures upon his students, Michialiovich was confident that we would not dare defy him because of fear of being punished for even the most minor infraction of the rules he laid out for us.

Anya, the girl who felt sick right before the all so important test but refused to see the school doctor, was completely ignored by Aleksey Michailovich. We were all students at a crucial crossroad of our education, so nobody dared to help Anya because Aleksey Michailovich had threatened to fail anybody who interrupts the class. Since my father was a doctor, I knew that leaving Anya there was a very bad idea. I found myself contemplating whether I really had a strong enough desire to defy our teacher and help Anya.

I did not want to lose the golden medal for excellent studies that I had been working on for so long but I felt a need to do something. No doubts, Aleksey Michailovich would be held responsible for whatever happens to the poor girl, but his legal responsibility doesn't take guilt of my shoulders, surely. I would never forgive myself if something happens to her due to my indifference. The situation couldn't be ignored any longer.

Getting to my feet, I walked over to her, in complete defiance of our teacher, and shook her by the shoulders. Not having any actual medical skills, this was the best that I could come up with to help her. Relief washed over me when Anya opened her eyes and hissed: "Finally!" What exactly was going on? Aleksey finally took control of the situation and explained that this was an experiment he had connived with Anya in doing. He wanted to see if the class would help a person in need and if we could do the right thing given overwhelming odds, even if it meant defying authority.

For me, it was like a blow in the stomach that saved me from suffocating in my childish world and broke its walls of belief that elders are always right. Had I come to help Anya that day and she were not a part of an experiment, my shaking her would have come too late, she could have been dead by then. Human life is more valuable than golden medal even though the life is hers and the medal mine. Learning to think with my own head was a rough experience, but the one I appreciate highly. I learned the importance of making my own decision rather than letting the others' rules define my actions. This was the vital lesson that Aleksey Michailovich has left for me. I need to stand up for what I believe in when I know it must be done. And I will.

Alina, in answer to your question, yes, you can definitely use this essay to answer both essay prompts. It has all the factors that will help you deliver a very vivid statement to the admissions officer. However, for the transition to adulthood, I would suggest that you expand upon the discussion somehow, varying it a bit in order to better depict the event as an adult defining moment for you. Perhaps you can expand upon it by explaining how it helped you change your point of view by taking everything that adults say as a sacred fact. Or you can explain how it helped you learn to be more responsible for your neighbors in need.

Right now, the essay is perfect as it is. You have shown a great maturity in your actions and have allowed the admissions officer to see a side of you that may not have been visible in the other common app essays you filled out. Good work on this essay. You should be proud of it :-)

Now for the comments and grammar corrections. Sorry about that, I could not help myself :-)

- Clarify who Aleksi is from the very start. Don't just give us a name. His character is important. So tell us what his position of authority is in the class.The part about going on with the class, who is talking? Aleksi or Anya? That is a bit confusing to the reader.


-It was our senior year...
- Let test your knowledge of tense usage in this essay. You have some improper tense uses in this and other paragraphs that need to be corrected, can you spot the mistakes and correct it yourself? I want to see if you were just in a hurry while writing this paper so you forgot to use the correct tenses of if you really do not know how to use the right tenses. I have corrected those mistakes for you before.


-I did not want to lose the golden medal for excellent studies that I had been working on for so long but I felt I needed to do something.



- ruff, is the sound a dog makes, rough is a word that explains the difficulty of a situation. I am sure you did not mean to make the sound of a dog :-)

- ... rough lesson...

Let's work on these problems for now and proceed with more edits after alright?

This is for the other prompt.

Please describe an interesting interaction you've had with someone different than yourself. Who was the person and what was the nature of the interaction?

Almost dead
[...]

I think you really need to develop your point better. I'm kind of confused about the point of the essay. Also, I think the title is supposed to be "A Rough Lesson". There are some tense mistakes that need to be fixed as well. I love the hooks though, they keep me interested!