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Admission essay - Grandfather


dcqqqq 1 / 1  
Aug 23, 2009   #1
The question asks you to talk about someone who is significant to your life.
Is there anything wrong with my essay? Tips?
Thank you!

He is the man I am most compelled by. His life is the center of the web that connects all loose strands.

The end of the Vietnam War left hundreds of thousands crying for freedom. Villages transformed into ash and cities wiped clean. The fall of Saigon evoked an exodus of disillusioned Vietnamese immigrants. Only two thirds of the men and women escaping communism survived the ravaging sea. My grandfather was one of the "boat people" traveling to an Indonesian refugee camp. He escaped oppression with his wife and my mother in 1984. Their wooden ship transported fifty helpless passengers through arduous waves. The journey lasted seven days without stops and scarce amounts of food. His most dreadful moment fell when the ship was too heavy. In the heart of the sea, the captain nearly considered losing men to the blue abyss.

There was only hope because he risked everything. Seven days over the ocean had finally seen the land ascending from the horizon. The sixteen feet long boat stuck the shores of an Indonesian refugee camp. They lived in deplorable conditions of theft, murder, and abduction. On good days, he could let his family sleep on cots and eat enough to see the sun rise once more. They had defeated the sea and survived the camp. Within months the new world was on the horizon and he was the first person to engrave our family name on American soil.

They were penniless but optimistic. With help from fellow Vietnamese refugees, my grandfather established the roots for our family to grow. He took handyman jobs and learned English to support his wife and daughter. They had warm food, clothing, and a home as a result of his endurance. My mother speaks of her father to illuminate the darkness. Because of him, I discovered hope. I saw the true meaning of sacrifice through his actions. He bribed officials, he gave up food and shelter, and braved the seas for our future. His inspirational tale makes me proud to say I am the hero's descendant. My grandfather died five years before I was born, but he is still alive to me.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 23, 2009   #2
You need a complete remodel of your essay to fit yourself into it. Your conclusion is not enough.
The only thing you got out of this was that you discovered hope. This is confusing. What kind of hope did you discover?

"Talk about someone significant to your life."
This essay does nothing to answer the prompt. Your life has not been effected by your grandfather in this essay. A significant person must bring about change or provide guidance. You do not change in this essay. Your actions and thoughts are not guided by your grandfather.
Gabrielle 6 / 24  
Aug 23, 2009   #3
^ I agree 100 percent. This essay goes into great depth of your grandfathers actions, and what his life was like. But not yours.

Also, don't take offense to this, but if he died 5 years before you were born, how could he have been much of an influence on you? I'm sure the stories you were told of him would be enough to suffice, but really, you might want to focus on someone who helps/influences who today. That's just my opinion, though.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 23, 2009   #4
"Talk about someone significant to your life."
This essay does nothing to answer the prompt. Your life has not been effected by your grandfather in this essay. A significant person must bring about change or provide guidance. You do not change in this essay. Your actions and thoughts are not guided by your grandfather.

I disagree. The prompt is not "talk about yourself, disguising it as talking about someone else," which is of course what most applicants do. The writer does a good job of telling the dramatic story and also, in the last paragraph, explains that "Because of him, I discovered hope. I saw the true meaning of sacrifice through his actions." The only thing needed, content-wise, is to perhaps add an anecdote showing how the writer puts this hope or this dedication to others into practice.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 23, 2009   #5
The only thing needed, content-wise, is to perhaps add an anecdote showing how the writer puts this hope or this dedication to others into practice.

I misspoke. This is exactly the thing that you are missing in your essay. Forgive my confusing attempt at directing you haha...
OP dcqqqq 1 / 1  
Aug 24, 2009   #6
Well I was trying to spin it in a way where someone I've never met still had an impact on my life because of his experiences and struggles.

Thank you so much for your input!
I'll improve right now!
MieMie09 4 / 30  
Aug 27, 2009   #7
I love this essay. I think it was creative to use someone who you never met before. You don't have to meet someone for them to inspire you. Martin Luther King is someone inspires me and I was born in 1988. But, I agree that you should incorporate yourself in the story more. Explain why he inspired you, not just how? What did he inspire you to do in your life?

Last sentence suggestion: My grandfather died 5 years before I was born, but he will be an inspiration to me for years to come.

Not necessarily like that, but something more powerful than your last sentence.


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