There is a space for additional information after the personal essay on Common App and I would like to put this essay on it. But I am wondering whether the story in it is a little horrifying and if it focuses too much on the childhood but not now. Could you please give me some suggestion on the content as well as on the language? Thank you very much.
Ever since I was born, nothing had succeeded at scaring me. I reportedly tried to crawl right after I could sit and to walk right after I could crawl. A few months after I was able to walk, I 'flew' from the top of a ladder with a pair of 'angel's wings', which was my favorite Christmas gift, and unluckily, broke my leg. This made my mom a little upset, 'SHE is a girl, isn't SHE?!'
Yes, I am a girl, with subtle brand of feminism and also a bold and adventurous soul. When I was eight years old, I was invited to my friend Lucy's birthday party at her villa, which had a nice swimming pool that went along with a beautiful back yard. During dinner, Chris knocked a candle over and it fell into a bowl of olive oil, causing a small fire on it. While others were busy putting out the flame, I stared at the bright flame and said to myself, "Why not make it bigger?" When Lucy was saying goodbye to her friends at the door, I stole all the oil in her kitchen and poured it into the swimming pool, making a very thin oil layer floating on the water. 'What are...', before Lucy could start yelling at me, I lit a match and touched the surface of the oil with it gently. The 50-meter-long and 21-meter-wide surface was burning. There was a dead silence. I was shocked by the spectacular scene and Lucy was frightened by my insanity. More to her dismay, I jumped into the water for a better view as the fire was even more incredible viewed from the bottom of the pool. The water blended with fire in harmony. The picture was so unbelievable that I almost forgot to get out of the water and breathe. "Lucy, come on! Get into the water! It would be the best birthday present in your life!" As I took her hand and pulled her to the edge of the pool, she kept stepping back and saying "You must be crazy!"
As I grew older, I did not do frightening things like that any more, but my courage has never stopped growing. I mailed my essays and poems to publishers regardless of a good many refusals my friends had received. I took part in swimming, painting and speech contests though they were not my strong attributes and my opponents were very skilled. I opened an account in the stock market only having limited knowledge of how the stock market worked. I have been keeping learning how to invest through trial and error, which has cost me almost all of my savings. Though I failed from time to time because of my audacious actions, the sporting blood was like the birthmark on my left arm; both could never be erased.
Some elders were always giving me advice like "Be prudent and do only what you are sure of." However, I think the undying misgivings are exactly what weakened the courage and aborted the blooming ideas that I always had. We live in a world which we barely know. The courage and the curiosity of adventurers are all that is needed. Call me an adventurer.
This made my mom a little upset, 'SHE is a girl, isn't SHE?!'
Change that to:
This made my mom a little upset. "She is a girl, isn't She?!" my mom asked, rhetorically.
Wow, this is great. IT IS a little horrifying, but in a good way. If you pulled your friend into a fiery pool within the last few years, I would advise you to take it out, so that they do not think you are crazy. It is okay, though, because you were only eight!!
:)
